Reading your teen's text messages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you read your kids' texts, go through their room, etc., you have calculated that the benefit of losing their trust is worth the chance that you will find something. That is just not the case for me. I want to be the one they come to when they need help, not the one they hide everything from. I mean this as a parent, not someone who is trying to be a friend.

My friends with the snoopiest parents somehow were the ones who took the most risks. Those of us who were not so carefully managed seemed to learn how to self-regulate...

You are isolating yourself to only one outcome in either scenario.

There are parents who hand their kids phones and are hands off and nothing terribly wrong happens. At least, as far as the parents know.

There are parents who are hands on and look through their kids' digital activity and successfully intervene and block irreparable harm from happening.

There are also parents who are hands off where something tragic happens and they WISH they hadn't been so hands off. Take the MoCo 15 year old high schooler who got entangled with subway surfing from social media, who was in contact with distant strangers who encouraged him to engage in the dangerous trend, only for him to end up getting killed: https://www.marylandmatters.org/2023/10/02/heartbroken-parents-warn-of-the-dangers-of-subway-surfing-an-online-trend/

“When he posted his train surfing photos, he would get more likes than he normally did. So I think that certainly was a rush of people liking his scary adventures,” his mother said.

Jay’s parents also discovered that their son was in constant contact with other young people, some as far away as New York City, discussing and encouraging urban exploration and subway surfing.

“They would say to him, ‘You’re a legend.’ And gave him these great compliments. So there’s that sort of validation, a lot of it coming from the social media community,” his mother said.

In exchanges with fellow urban explorers, his parents discovered, their son and his contacts knew the risks they were taking. Some had tragically lost their lives during such activities.

His parents only found out the truth once they gained access to his devices. If they had been monitoring, they could have intervened and stopped their son from taking a risk that ended up with him losing his life.

So with either a hands-on or hand-off approach, there are negative and positive outcomes that can happen. You're not guaranteed one or the other. You just have to decide which one you can live with as a parent.

And for me, I'd rather live with my kid maybe resenting me for monitoring their digital communications on a phone that I pay for, than for them to end up dead or in jail because I was too scared to break their trust or sense of privacy to take a look at what they were up to.

Subway surfing is not even within the realm of possibility for my kids. Imagining far-fetched scenarios like that is no way to live. Besides, I track them on Life360. That is usually enough to figure out if your kids are hanging out at train yards. Agree that this is all risk calculus. I def don't think snooping is worth it if I am just doing it for .00001% scenarios like this.

M'am. Obviously subway surfing is not the ONLY trouble teens can get into via digital technology. It's just one example of many things teens get into when parents don't monitor their teens online behavior and how it can reach an irreversibly sad and tragic conclusion. But there are a range and spectrum of negative things they can get into. Pick whatever may or may not be relevant to your child.

The point of the example was not look at your kids' phones or else they'll get into subway surfing. It was an example of the trouble kids can get into that parents will be ignorant too if they take a completely hands-off approach. The fact that I have to spell that out for you makes me wonder about your analysis and comprehension skills.

[Anonymous]

I would never do this.

[Anonymous]

My DD wants a phone and one of the conditions is that I'll be able to access the phone anytime I want and I'll read the texts. The fact is that phones are a huge problem and parents that think that they don't have to stay on top of it are kidding themselves. We're inundated with stories of 18-20 year old's being catfished all the time. A 19 yo young man killed himself because he was catfished for nudes. I think that responsible parents need to monitor smart phone usage.

[Anonymous]

I have access to read all my DD’s texts in and out. I can read them on my phone. So deleted texts can’t really occur. I see them all.

Usually I forget, but there’s been a new bf. He is a nice kid. I’ve been reading it way too much in this new experience of him asking her out.

I need to stop because I need to show her trust.

I’m going to dial it back. Because what I don’t like is reading them, knowing there’s stuff (in my opinion) she should be telling me. And somewhat holding it against her that she’s not telling me.

So I’d rather not know, and allow her to just fully tell me (or not). Trust. I do like having it just in case. Maybe checking it once a week only during times where things are changing or I see her texting up a storm.

[Anonymous]

To OP, one of our specific rules is every contact has to have a first and last name.
1. Legally, and safety wise, I think this could be important.
2. Even if kid doesn’t alwwaaays put in the honest name, it’s worth an attempt.
3. In college I was asked out by an EX(!) who called a girl of my same name. Bet he wished he had saved our last names. It was so awkward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When we gave the device we made a contract spelling out that the parents are the owner and the kid is using it as a privilege. They understand we can read messages at any time and they have been told to expect parents of kids on the other end of any communication may also be reading them. Or anyone. Basically no expectation of privacy so "don't ever write anything or photo anything you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper, the school's Instagram, your best friend's tiktok or seen by your grandmother."

I love this. Because it’s true

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

And if kids suspect, they can check and see the last time someone logged in or opened their phone and will know it wasn’t them so even if you don’t tell them they can find out you are reading their texts. There is also a ways for them to find out if you’ve hacked into their Snap and have their snaps sent to your phone. Talk to them.

You can sign into their imessages on your computer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one

The hands-off, permissive parents have really deluded themselves into thinking they've got it right by being their kids' friend rather than their parent. It's sad. In the end, the one who ends up losing is the kid who needs structure, boundaries and someone who's strong and willing enough to tell them no when they inevitably engage in poor decisions.

I disagree. When we were kids, my parents didn’t monitor my communication with my friends. Same rule here.

- SVU prosecutor

When I was a kid my momma would pick that kitchen phone up at anytime. Definitely pretended not to hear chicken frying in the background and changed the topic real quick. Kids knew someone momma was on the phone when you hear that click, just didn’t know whose

[Anonymous]

The things they don’t want you to see are on Snapchat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The things they don’t want you to see are on Snapchat.

YES. Aside from taking it away what can you do? Snapchat is the one that worries me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have access to read all my DD’s texts in and out. I can read them on my phone. So deleted texts can’t really occur. I see them all.

Usually I forget, but there’s been a new bf. He is a nice kid. I’ve been reading it way too much in this new experience of him asking her out.

I need to stop because I need to show her trust.

I’m going to dial it back. Because what I don’t like is reading them, knowing there’s stuff (in my opinion) she should be telling me. And somewhat holding it against her that she’s not telling me.

So I’d rather not know, and allow her to just fully tell me (or not). Trust. I do like having it just in case. Maybe checking it once a week only during times where things are changing or I see her texting up a storm.

How do you do this?