Reading your teen's text messages

[Anonymous]

Do most parents do this? I have a 14 year old son and while I have access to his phone and he knows that I can look at it at any time, I generally do not read any texts and when I have occasionally in the past they have all been totally fine. Well, a few days ago I noticed a text thread from an unnamed person so I did read that text and looked at another.

The non-named thread was between him and a girl, nothing odd except that she was unnamed and they clearly did not know each other well. A meet up at maybe a soccer game was mentioned which worries me, but it's probably ok aside from the fact that he hasn't mentioned this to me. I want to discuss it with him but I know that if he thinks I'm looking at his messages he will just tell me less. I do of course require him to tell me where he goes and who he is with, and mostly have that parent worry that this "girl" could be a predator. Deeper down the text message line were some texts with another girl, who I do know, that was less appropriate. Sexual questions of what have you done or not done, etc. Not terrible but I really do not like it or feel like it was respectful to ask her these questions.

I'm not sure the best way to handle. Any suggestions? I do think that he deserves his privacy, room to grow and make mistakes, etc. without mom knowing and reading everything, but I also want to be sure he is both safe and respectful. I can take devices and apps away etc, but things that result in him telling me less and hiding more won't be beneficial. I am not ready for a hormonal teen!

[Anonymous]

When we gave the device we made a contract spelling out that the parents are the owner and the kid is using it as a privilege. They understand we can read messages at any time and they have been told to expect parents of kids on the other end of any communication may also be reading them. Or anyone. Basically no expectation of privacy so "don't ever write anything or photo anything you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper, the school's Instagram, your best friend's tiktok or seen by your grandmother."

[Anonymous]

My DD recently found out her long time BFs overly controlling mom reads his texts. He saw her doing it. As if there wasn’t a divide between them already he will tell her less and find a way to communicate with his GF and others around her back. She means well but he cannot wait to get out from under her clutches and she has no idea. Frankly I’m not thrilled she is reading my DDs texts but it’s her choice and I tell my DD to assume anyone can see what she writes.

If your son isn’t ready to handle texting take it away or limit his contacts. Otherwise you need to be having regular conversations about safety, what is appropriate conversation, and consequences.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a normal teen 😅 I often read messages but I don't mention it. Just to keep an eye out but mine really resents me doing that sometimes (even tho same thing where she knows I have the right etc). In terms of what you want to talk about, I do it in a way that seems a little more natural. Like bringing up in conversation a few days later and using our friends kids as examples, sharing i formation but making it about other people (indirect) is what works for me. Good luck with the hormonal teens!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD recently found out her long time BFs overly controlling mom reads his texts. He saw her doing it. As if there wasn’t a divide between them already he will tell her less and find a way to communicate with his GF and others around her back. She means well but he cannot wait to get out from under her clutches and she has no idea. Frankly I’m not thrilled she is reading my DDs texts but it’s her choice and I tell my DD to assume anyone can see what she writes.

If your son isn’t ready to handle texting take it away or limit his contacts. Otherwise you need to be having regular conversations about safety, what is appropriate conversation, and consequences.

This is what I am thinking. I could either say I read your texts and did not like them etc, which will absolutely result in him sneaking more, or I continue to hit home about morals, respect etc and safety. He will be suspicious of the timing but it seems like its potentially better. I do need him to know there are clear limits though so its hard for me not to bring up or worry about specifics and I am not sure which is best. My mom was controlling, well meaning, but I felt like a caged animal sometimes and I don't want to do the same to my kids. But again I don't want him out there being a jerk or thinking some man is an interested girl.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t directly bring up that you read the messages. But take this as cues to have conversations about 1) online interaction with people you don’t know in real life - never share info like address, location, etc. share recent stories about boys being catfished, etc. 2) respectful, consensual relationships.

The messages sounds normal but o would keep an eye on the one with the unnamed girl & meeting up. If he asks you for a ride, you can ask about who he is meeting, how he knows this person. Or if they set a date & time and he doesn’t tell you, I’d maybe come up with something he has to do that day & see. I think the question is do they know each other from school or an activity or is this a complete stranger he’s never met in real life.

[Anonymous]

I did for the first year or two when they got phones. But I was very direct about it. "Hand me your phone." I didn't care about them b***hing about me, or using curse words. I cared about them using the N-word, and talking crap about people.

We had a lot of talks about online predators and how if they wanted to meet up with someone they met online that was fine, but I would go with them, it'd be in a public place and I was fine sitting at a different table not interacting. DD actually made friends with a girl in Canada on a forum about 5SoS or Panic at the Disco and that was like six years ago and they're still friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t directly bring up that you read the messages. But take this as cues to have conversations about 1) online interaction with people you don’t know in real life - never share info like address, location, etc. share recent stories about boys being catfished, etc. 2) respectful, consensual relationships.

The messages sounds normal but o would keep an eye on the one with the unnamed girl & meeting up. If he asks you for a ride, you can ask about who he is meeting, how he knows this person. Or if they set a date & time and he doesn’t tell you, I’d maybe come up with something he has to do that day & see. I think the question is do they know each other from school or an activity or is this a complete stranger he’s never met in real life.

This. Never let them know you got the info from the texts.

Also, 99 percent chance the meet up with the girl at the soccer is benign. This is normal behavior and appropriate at 14. You are not going to know everyone your kid is hanging out with at that age. You're way past that age.

[Anonymous]

I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

And if kids suspect, they can check and see the last time someone logged in or opened their phone and will know it wasn’t them so even if you don’t tell them they can find out you are reading their texts. There is also a ways for them to find out if you’ve hacked into their Snap and have their snaps sent to your phone. Talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Its quite clear to me which parents don't read their kids text messages and some of them absolutely should be. I don't do it with any regularity but will do so at random or if I think something is up. I have two girls and they are both over-sharers though (more often I have to feign like I care about their random drama, I wouldn't mind if they told me less, but I hear it ALL.)

[Anonymous]

I glance at my boys' texts on occasion but I don't make a thing of it and I don't reference it at all. It's more of a spot check than a regular thing. They're 12 and 14 and are in some pretty big group chats (sports related) that could really go off the rails. I find that the kids police themselves pretty well and I've never had a reason to say anything.

They know that I'll occasionally do this and I don't do it behind their back. I don't necessarily do it right in front of them either, though.

[Anonymous]

It could be catfishing though. I wouldn't say anything but keep any eye on that text thread.

I don't read my kids texts but if I saw something like this I'd watch it.

[Anonymous]

I occasionally checked texts first year of phone in 7th grade. Reminded them of consequences of bullying and sexually inappropriate comments. They saw friends who got into trouble so they were already scared into good behavior (sadly)

Now at 14 and 16 I do not check. If they started to withdraw from life or show signs of emotional trouble I might be tempted as a last resort but only if I couldn’t find out anything by talking to them first and observing for a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't. Only the crazy moms I know do this.

As a wife to a DA - you are so in the wrong on this one