Middle school- do kids pay separately when hanging out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

If finances aren't an issue in your home, why doesn't your son ever have money? My 13yr old almost always has $10 or $20 and her school ID so she has the ability to participate in spontaneous outings. Not enough to go to the movies or out to dinner, but enough to grab a treat if she's out with friends.

My kid has a cash box with money. I meant he doesn’t carry money around. He has only had a phone for a month. Not all his friends have phones.

That's what we're all referencing. If your child is out and socializing and has been constantly treated by his friends, it's time to make sure he has cash. Probably even enough to start doing some paybacks for all the times his buddies have covered for him. $20 in his backpack or his phone case or his jacket pocket starting today.

Yeah - you basically have allowed your kids to take money from his friends without paying. You seem pretty self-centered OP. If my kid constantly had to pay for yours (and trust me - kids talk about this) I'd be annoyed and not want your kid to join.

Also, you don't need a phone. Just have some cash on him or get him a green light card.

I don't get how parents raise their kids to age 12 and are totally clueless about how to get to them function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got DD a debit card in middle school. We make sure she has some money in it when she is out with friends because I don’t want her to borrow or have parents feel obligated to pay. Some parents still pay and there are times I do too. Usually if it’s just 1 other friend.

Honestly, it’s annoying when parents send their kid without money or a debit card. I have one friend who thinks it’s OK for me to buy their kid stuff at the mall and then she will pay me back. I personally don’t like this and have encouraged her to get her child a debit card. It gets messy.

I assume that if kids don't bring money that either their parents are rude or poor.

Which one are you OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

If finances aren't an issue in your home, why doesn't your son ever have money? My 13yr old almost always has $10 or $20 and her school ID so she has the ability to participate in spontaneous outings. Not enough to go to the movies or out to dinner, but enough to grab a treat if she's out with friends.

My kid has a cash box with money. I meant he doesn’t carry money around. He has only had a phone for a month. Not all his friends have phones.

That's what we're all referencing. If your child is out and socializing and has been constantly treated by his friends, it's time to make sure he has cash. Probably even enough to start doing some paybacks for all the times his buddies have covered for him. $20 in his backpack or his phone case or his jacket pocket starting today.

Yeah - you basically have allowed your kids to take money from his friends without paying. You seem pretty self-centered OP. If my kid constantly had to pay for yours (and trust me - kids talk about this) I'd be annoyed and not want your kid to join.

Also, you don't need a phone. Just have some cash on him or get him a green light card.

I don't get how parents raise their kids to age 12 and are totally clueless about how to get to them function.

OP here. We host all the time. I take kids to our country club, have ordered take out or delivery a hundred times to our house. You obviously don’t know me or us. Yes, others do treat my kid but I have hosted and paid for their kids many many times. In elementary, host parent paid for kid. I have five kids coming over today and I will be feeding them.

One thing I have zero guilt and worry about is reciprocating. If anything, everyone owes us since kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

You're fine OP. My kid has been treated and we've treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

If finances aren't an issue in your home, why doesn't your son ever have money? My 13yr old almost always has $10 or $20 and her school ID so she has the ability to participate in spontaneous outings. Not enough to go to the movies or out to dinner, but enough to grab a treat if she's out with friends.

My kid has a cash box with money. I meant he doesn’t carry money around. He has only had a phone for a month. Not all his friends have phones.

That's what we're all referencing. If your child is out and socializing and has been constantly treated by his friends, it's time to make sure he has cash. Probably even enough to start doing some paybacks for all the times his buddies have covered for him. $20 in his backpack or his phone case or his jacket pocket starting today.

Yeah - you basically have allowed your kids to take money from his friends without paying. You seem pretty self-centered OP. If my kid constantly had to pay for yours (and trust me - kids talk about this) I'd be annoyed and not want your kid to join.

Also, you don't need a phone. Just have some cash on him or get him a green light card.

I don't get how parents raise their kids to age 12 and are totally clueless about how to get to them function.

OP here. We host all the time. I take kids to our country club, have ordered take out or delivery a hundred times to our house. You obviously don’t know me or us. Yes, others do treat my kid but I have hosted and paid for their kids many many times. In elementary, host parent paid for kid. I have five kids coming over today and I will be feeding them.

One thing I have zero guilt and worry about is reciprocating. If anything, everyone owes us since kindergarten.

Don't let those testy posters irritate you. I think this is perfectly normal when people are sort of at the same socioeconomic level. There are always a few hang out houses where the parents end up treating more and that's okay. DC has a friend who who has the hang out house and we try to do our part by driving more and treating when they go out, etc. but it's never expected and I'm sure there are other friends who do not have time to do think about this.

[Anonymous]

Of kids are at my house, we feed them. If they’re at my house and I facilitate an impromptu trip to the mall, I treat.

[Anonymous]

Yes, everyone pays for themselves. The only exception is if it's someone's birthday - then everyone chips in a bit to cover the birthday child's food. (This is an American thing - in Germany for example, I know it goes the oopposite way).

OP in your situation I would have fed the kids in the house but if they didn't have money they can't go to the mall for a snack. Your son should carry money on him all the time.

[Anonymous]

OP you are fine. This is a very transitional age with regards to $ and independence.

I would start thinking about making sure your son has a nominal amount of $ when out, going forward. My 7th grader usually has $20 in Apple Cash and keeps $10 in his backpack. He has that available if he goes to a friend’s house after school or to the pizza place after school with friends (within walking distance of school- they have cheap pizza by the slice and a few arcade games etc). If he is going out somewhere with a friend on the weekend we make sure he has a small amount of $. Never a lot of $ without good reason but enough to buy a drink or small treats etc to participate with friends.

That money generally comes out of his allowance, or we will occasionally give him an extra nominal amount to spend. He can also request $ from us on Apple Pay if plans arise when he is at a friends house “can I go to a movie with Larlo, his mom can drive us” - stuff like that. I spot him the $ and he can earn it on the back end doing extra chores if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you are fine. This is a very transitional age with regards to $ and independence.

I would start thinking about making sure your son has a nominal amount of $ when out, going forward. My 7th grader usually has $20 in Apple Cash and keeps $10 in his backpack. He has that available if he goes to a friend’s house after school or to the pizza place after school with friends (within walking distance of school- they have cheap pizza by the slice and a few arcade games etc). If he is going out somewhere with a friend on the weekend we make sure he has a small amount of $. Never a lot of $ without good reason but enough to buy a drink or small treats etc to participate with friends.

That money generally comes out of his allowance, or we will occasionally give him an extra nominal amount to spend. He can also request $ from us on Apple Pay if plans arise when he is at a friends house “can I go to a movie with Larlo, his mom can drive us” - stuff like that. I spot him the $ and he can earn it on the back end doing extra chores if needed.

+1 to all of this. My sixth grade DD treats a lot and has been treated a lot. Apple Cash has come in handy, for sure.

[Anonymous]

My sixth grader treats friends a lot. I do worry sometimes that she's getting taken advantage of. A couple friends pay back reliably, but some never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sixth grader treats friends a lot. I do worry sometimes that she's getting taken advantage of. A couple friends pay back reliably, but some never.

Yeah the kids smarten up to this. Kids get very protective of their cash, and keep tabs on who owes what. Not the younger 6th grade set, but certainly by 8th they’re all safeguarding their allowance 😂

[Anonymous]

If we invite kids over, of course I feed them. If my teen DD asks me if I will drive her and her friends to Starbucks or Panera, I assume they are all going Dutch and it’s never been an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we invite kids over, of course I feed them. If my teen DD asks me if I will drive her and her friends to Starbucks or Panera, I assume they are all going Dutch and it’s never been an issue.

OP here. This is how I will handle going forward.

When I was in high school and college, there were kids who had money and those who didn’t. Everyone has a friend who never has money. Even as an adult, there are people who never chip in or never buy a round. Guess these tweens/teens can figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we invite kids over, of course I feed them. If my teen DD asks me if I will drive her and her friends to Starbucks or Panera, I assume they are all going Dutch and it’s never been an issue.

OP here. This is how I will handle going forward.

When I was in high school and college, there were kids who had money and those who didn’t. Everyone has a friend who never has money. Even as an adult, there are people who never chip in or never buy a round. Guess these tweens/teens can figure it out.

My kids’ friends all seem to be similar socioeconomics, so this hasn’t crossed my mind to be honest.

[Anonymous]

This is an opportunity to teach your son how to go out of the house as an adult (wallet, keys, phone!) and how to socialize as an adult (adults end up paying for friends sometimes too). He can learn how to handle situations like that by asking if everyone has cash for Five Guys or whatever, by paying for it himself because it’s important to him, by not going at all. My daughter had this learning experience last year in 7th grade.

Kids this age need to be taught how to do this stuff. They learn a ton by observation, but it’s a parenting task to teach your kids normal social behavior so they know what to do.