Middle school- do kids pay separately when hanging out?

[Anonymous]

I am in new territory with my 12yo 7th grader. In elementary, parents were mostly always present and if I was taking kids out to a movie or outing, I would cover the cost of a friend. Now my tween is hanging out with larger groups and some kids I do not know. Recently a bunch of kids came to my house and they decided they wanted to eat at the mall. Half the kids didn’t have money. I ended up giving my son money to treat everyone.

[Anonymous]

I would feed them at my house but not give money to eat out. If they were with me driving and I choose to stop I would pay.

[Anonymous]

Yea, kids pay separately for themselves generally when there isn’t an adult “hosting.” If someone doesn’t have money they can borrow from a friend and pay them back. And being willing to be the driver (on a kid-organized activity) or meet up location doesn’t mean you are hosting. I do think if kids are at your house over mealtimes, you should have easy stuff on hand so it’s not like they have to go out to get food, but you’re not obligated to order takeout or anything.

[Anonymous]

You should have asked if they all had money to eat at the mall. If not offer to make something easy or even order pizza.i wouldn’t have treated them all.

[Anonymous]

12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

[Anonymous]

So far this is a mix. Most of my son's friends have their own money (yes, their parents' money). So if my 13 year old walks to McDonalds or 7-11 with his friends, they mainly each buy their own stuff. But sometimes someone has a bunch of money and others don't have any and then someone buys 40 mcnuggets and they share. Or someone buys everyone sodas at 7-11.

We've used it as an opportunity to talk about accepting and reciprocating "gifts" of this sort. But we don't put unlimited money on my son's debit card. He has to budget what he's willing to share and know what friends he can rely on to either pay him back or reciprocate in the future. We aren't talking tons of money, so I think it's a good lesson to learn at 13.

[Anonymous]

I let them figure it out. Some kids borrow money from others. Parents Venmo or zelle money. Some kids go home and pick up money.

Thing is that it sounds like you drove them to the mall. I wouldn’t have done that without everyone having a plan.

I do often treat kids - sent a tray of DD coffees with my kid to school this morning. But I don’t do it because they have no plan. If they could t figure it out, I’d feed them at my house - which is kind of expected if you’re the hang out house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would feed them at my house but not give money to eat out. If they were with me driving and I choose to stop I would pay.

THis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

[Anonymous]

They pay separately at this age. If a kid is at your house during snack or mealtime it is generally expected that you feed them yes- but not necessarily eat out/takeout. Just whatever easy stuff you have on hand at the house.

I definitely do sometimes treat friends- especially if it is something small or unexpected (for example if we have friends in the car and my teen asks to stop for Starbucks or for some Gatorades and protein bars on the way to the game- stuff like that ) and other parents do the same. I also do sometimes order takeout etc when we have kids over (and I pay) but it is for the family too usually- not just the kid and guest.

For group outings without adults present, the kids pay for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Yes, kids pay their own way. If they don’t have cash, they usually borrow some and will pay it back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

NP. If a kid doesn’t have money, they can usually borrow some from a friend. And they can pay back the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, kids pay their own way. If they don’t have cash, they usually borrow some and will pay it back.

+1 We haven't had any issue with this so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

I find that parents usually send kid with $/ make sure kid has $ when needed (going to the movies or similar), but didn’t do so in this case because the kids were just hanging out at your house. You chose to drive them to the mall etc and treat. In the future I’d just order pizza or fix something easy for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 year olds dont get to decide you will drive them to the mall and you will buy them food.
I’m guessing you want to be the cool mom but you’ve started a precedent now.
Tell your son it isn’t happening again.

OP here. My kid never has money. Over the years, he has been treated many times. My kid just has a lot of friends. Just not sure how to handle kids not having money. I don’t feel comfortable asking people I don’t know to pay me/DS back.

If finances aren't an issue in your home, why doesn't your son ever have money? My 13yr old almost always has $10 or $20 and her school ID so she has the ability to participate in spontaneous outings. Not enough to go to the movies or out to dinner, but enough to grab a treat if she's out with friends.