Vent: dealing with annoying family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

Do you actually know how qualified the person was who did the DIBELS? There are way too many reading specialists who do not have training in the science of reading.

- special ed attorney

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

Consider that maybe it's obnoxious to think you know better than someone with a masters in special ed. You sound very new to this. Consider that you have a lot to learn yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

OP here. I’ve tried to tell him, but it’s hard to get him to listen. I think you’re right. He really adores DD, but is used to being the expert and being the one to swoop in and have the answer. He had a long, successful legal career. It’s very hard for him to accept that someone else might know better.

Either don't talk with your dad if you don't want his opinion, or actually listen to him. It's entirely possible that he knows more than you do. When he questions whether your child is really up to par because someone at the school said she is based on one DIBELS, it may not be what you want to hear, but he may have a point. Schools are constantly trying to wiggle out of providing services. How well was the tester actually trained???

Her school is giving her phonics intervention and the DIBELS was done by the reading specialist. They were simply saying she’s on benchmark now, not that she doesn’t need services. The reading specialist said she’ll do another DIBELS soon and that we don’t know if she’ll be on benchmark then.

They are also giving her a language exemption to support her pull out tutoring.

They are implementing the full plan her neuropsychologist asked for. There’s no evidence at all that they’re trying to wiggle out of services.

My point was that you are hardly an expert and it's quite common for parents to overtrust the school. Your dad may indeed be quite right to be skeptical. He does have experience in this area. You chose to share with your dad. Either be open minded to his feedback and realize he does have expertise in this area --- or since you instead want to discount his opinion, I don't understand why you are sharing with him at all.

If your only response you want from him is not his true opinion but just affirmation that you're doing everything right, then he is not your guy. Go get that from your therapist or some friend who knows nothing about this.

While it’s true that one should “trust but verify,” you sound like you’re imposing your own experience on my situation, rather than actually viewing this objectively.

We are doing everything we can to put objective accountability measures in place. We are certainly not simply taking the school at their word.

My dad’s experience supporting profoundly disabled children in rural West Virginia in the 1970s is at best faintly relevant to my daughter’s situation with a LD in MoCo in 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

Do you actually know how qualified the person was who did the DIBELS? There are way too many reading specialists who do not have training in the science of reading.

- special ed attorney

Yes I do. Making sure this school teaches the science of reading was one of the first things I looked for when we were researching private schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

Consider that maybe it's obnoxious to think you know better than someone with a masters in special ed. You sound very new to this. Consider that you have a lot to learn yourself.

When he tells me he knows better than the neuropsychologist who did my daughter’s evaluation, then I call foul.

I’m not saying I know better than him. I’m saying I put more trust in someone with expertise in dyslexia to the point where she lectures on it to her peers.

[Anonymous]

You have to stop telling your dad all these details. He is NOT a source of support. He doesn’t mean to be a jerk, but he is not supportive. Tell him 90% less than you tell him now.

BIL is a jerk who means to be a jerk. I would barely give him the time of day. Nod and smile when forced to see him at large group events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to stop telling your dad all these details. He is NOT a source of support. He doesn’t mean to be a jerk, but he is not supportive. Tell him 90% less than you tell him now.

BIL is a jerk who means to be a jerk. I would barely give him the time of day. Nod and smile when forced to see him at large group events.

I wouldn’t speak with either parent about this. My children are NT (one may have ADHD, but too young to know) and I don’t speak to my parents about how they’re doing in school or with friends or anything. I just say “it’s good, it’s fine.”