Vent: dealing with annoying family members

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

OP here. I’ve tried to tell him, but it’s hard to get him to listen. I think you’re right. He really adores DD, but is used to being the expert and being the one to swoop in and have the answer. He had a long, successful legal career. It’s very hard for him to accept that someone else might know better.

Either don't talk with your dad if you don't want his opinion, or actually listen to him. It's entirely possible that he knows more than you do. When he questions whether your child is really up to par because someone at the school said she is based on one DIBELS, it may not be what you want to hear, but he may have a point. Schools are constantly trying to wiggle out of providing services. How well was the tester actually trained???

Her school is giving her phonics intervention and the DIBELS was done by the reading specialist. They were simply saying she’s on benchmark now, not that she doesn’t need services. The reading specialist said she’ll do another DIBELS soon and that we don’t know if she’ll be on benchmark then.

They are also giving her a language exemption to support her pull out tutoring.

They are implementing the full plan her neuropsychologist asked for. There’s no evidence at all that they’re trying to wiggle out of services.

[Anonymous]

We generally dont share, at least not in detail. Its probably for the better, your kid isnt going to want input and comments from the peanut gallery as she ages. Sharing the diagnosis and occasional vague updates is enough. Leave the details to her medical team and school.

I will also say that both of my siblings have kids with special needs, and they operate similarly. We support each other with general "parenting is really hard" "i know youre doing your best" "im glad youve found a solution" type comments but we don't get in to the weeds even though we all are facing similar challenges. We will occasionally bond over the hell of IEP meetings but we let our kids just be kids and treat them as family without getting in to details on issues. There is a way to be supportive without inviting them in to your inner circle.

[Anonymous]

Child has autism diagnosis. MIL retired and started doing all sorts of research into brain development. Lots of helpful advice!! I’m trying to remain calm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

[Anonymous]

except that I don't think your retelling is truthful. This doesn't sound right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:except that I don't think your retelling is truthful. This doesn't sound right.

? What are you questioning?

[Anonymous]

“Annoying” is generous. Knowing this was my audience, I would keep most information about my child out of their consumption.

[Anonymous]

This sucks. So rude. I'm sorry. I agree with PPs who say to limit your sharing with them, and add that maybe you can find other sources of support, either online or in person. You won't get their approval, so don't try to get it and instead focus on whatever good things you can in those relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:except that I don't think your retelling is truthful. This doesn't sound right.

? What are you questioning?

Both no.1 and no.2. This sounds like those usual DCUM stories where OP fails to insert some critical information that is damaging to her side of the story. I can't imagine a dad saying that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:except that I don't think your retelling is truthful. This doesn't sound right.

? What are you questioning?

Both no.1 and no.2. This sounds like those usual DCUM stories where OP fails to insert some critical information that is damaging to her side of the story. I can't imagine a dad saying that.

Those were quotes. It really was terrible. I wish I was exaggerating.

[Anonymous]

Do not share.

EmWhat is your purpose in sharing? I think you are proud of her test results. You are not going to get the support you want from this corner. I know it sucks, but you know this, so protect yourself.

No reason for grandparents to know about kid’s DIBELS. Like literally, most won’t understand, and the others will be like your dad & other posters’ parents who become WebMd experts. Stop & find other people to share these victories with, & find other victories to share with parents - videos of her reading a book, singing a song she worked to memorize, etc.

She is going to be older & cognizant of these conversations & what you are saying & what he is saying. If you feel bad about what he says now, think about how she’ll feel when she overhears one of these conversations between you 2 in a few years.

[Anonymous]

My mother taught elementary school for 40 years and every time she makes so stupid/incorrect comment about dyslexia I am reminded why we have so many problems with FCPS.

I correct her inaccuracies and I have gotten super rude about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not share.

EmWhat is your purpose in sharing? I think you are proud of her test results. You are not going to get the support you want from this corner. I know it sucks, but you know this, so protect yourself.

No reason for grandparents to know about kid’s DIBELS. Like literally, most won’t understand, and the others will be like your dad & other posters’ parents who become WebMd experts. Stop & find other people to share these victories with, & find other victories to share with parents - videos of her reading a book, singing a song she worked to memorize, etc.

She is going to be older & cognizant of these conversations & what you are saying & what he is saying. If you feel bad about what he says now, think about how she’ll feel when she overhears one of these conversations between you 2 in a few years.

I’ve thought a lot about your last comment in particular. You’re so right. A huge part of this for us is making sure DD’s self-esteem stays as intact as we can make it. It would be so harmful if she heard my dad question the results of assessments or question the qualifications of her teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:except that I don't think your retelling is truthful. This doesn't sound right.

? What are you questioning?

Both no.1 and no.2. This sounds like those usual DCUM stories where OP fails to insert some critical information that is damaging to her side of the story. I can't imagine a dad saying that.

Those were quotes. It really was terrible. I wish I was exaggerating.

Don’t waste your energy responding to that idiotic post.

I agree with the others- stop sharing. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

OP here. I’ve tried to tell him, but it’s hard to get him to listen. I think you’re right. He really adores DD, but is used to being the expert and being the one to swoop in and have the answer. He had a long, successful legal career. It’s very hard for him to accept that someone else might know better.

Either don't talk with your dad if you don't want his opinion, or actually listen to him. It's entirely possible that he knows more than you do. When he questions whether your child is really up to par because someone at the school said she is based on one DIBELS, it may not be what you want to hear, but he may have a point. Schools are constantly trying to wiggle out of providing services. How well was the tester actually trained???

Her school is giving her phonics intervention and the DIBELS was done by the reading specialist. They were simply saying she’s on benchmark now, not that she doesn’t need services. The reading specialist said she’ll do another DIBELS soon and that we don’t know if she’ll be on benchmark then.

They are also giving her a language exemption to support her pull out tutoring.

They are implementing the full plan her neuropsychologist asked for. There’s no evidence at all that they’re trying to wiggle out of services.

My point was that you are hardly an expert and it's quite common for parents to overtrust the school. Your dad may indeed be quite right to be skeptical. He does have experience in this area. You chose to share with your dad. Either be open minded to his feedback and realize he does have expertise in this area --- or since you instead want to discount his opinion, I don't understand why you are sharing with him at all.

If your only response you want from him is not his true opinion but just affirmation that you're doing everything right, then he is not your guy. Go get that from your therapist or some friend who knows nothing about this.