Vent: dealing with annoying family members

[Anonymous]

How do you all deal with family members who are insensitive or otherwise annoying about your kid’s diagnoses?

Two situations:

1. My husband was visiting his family recently. He mentioned that DD had been diagnosed with dyslexia and ADHD. His brother laughed and said “good luck with that,” in a sarcastic way.

Extremely obnoxious.

2. My dad got his Master’s in Special Ed in the 70s and worked for 3-4 years with kids with profound needs. He then switched careers and was a lawyer for decades. He now thinks that his experiences from the 70s makes him an expert at everything related to DD’s diagnosis and treatment.

He questions what her neuropsychologist recommends, all the way down to how to use specific test instruments. When I tell him what her very well qualified school team and neuropsychologist say, he pouts and says “well I guess I’m just stupid and don’t know anything.”

We recently found out DD is on benchmark with her latest DIBELS and were very happy. His response was, “well you don’t know how well qualified the people are who did that test.”

It’s so frustrating. I’m typically close with my parents and have kept them updated, but I’m at the point where I’m just going to tell my mom what’s happening.

Anyway, just a vent, but wanted to know who else deals with obnoxious family members.

[Anonymous]

We don’t share.

[Anonymous]

We're a research scientist and doctor.

There were tensions for a few years, while we were getting the diagnosis and optimizing treatment, and telegraphed some vulnerability during that time. We got the usual "boys will be boys" and "ADHD is not a real thing" and "you're going to DRUG him?". From many people. But eventually it all stopped when we weighed in with more medical arrogance than they were prepared to handle.

I mean, it boils down to how confident and knowledgeable you come across, even if you become an insufferable know-it-all. Whatever it takes, OP. Fake it til you make it!

[Anonymous]

You're over sharing. Keep the details to your therapist.

[Anonymous]

Not OP. It's just sucks that the people you need support from feel they need to opine instead of support. Families are complicated. Sending hugs.

[Anonymous]

We don't share anymore. When I shared my son's dyslexia dx with my brother he said" but he seems smart".

You need to know your audience and who is realistically going to be able to support you helpfully.

[Anonymous]

Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

OP here. I’ve tried to tell him, but it’s hard to get him to listen. I think you’re right. He really adores DD, but is used to being the expert and being the one to swoop in and have the answer. He had a long, successful legal career. It’s very hard for him to accept that someone else might know better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP. It's just sucks that the people you need support from feel they need to opine instead of support. Families are complicated. Sending hugs.

Thanks. It’s definitely tough, on a day when we were really happy and wanted to share DD’s progress, to have my dad instead try to lecture me about how “many educators aren’t well qualified” and about how he is therefore skeptical of the assessment results.

Well yes, but without a shred of knowledge about the qualifications of DD’s team, it’s just unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

I would have snapped back OP, especially with your father. Something like, “It’s been 50 years since you were in school!

You BIL is insensitive with his flippant comment.

[Anonymous]

Your

[Anonymous]

We also strictly limit who we share details with - most family excluded.

[Anonymous]

We get it. my nephew is severely autistic so that family downplays DD's diagnosis. It's a bit frustrating because we do face a different set of challenges, and frankly, my brother's family just left it up to the school. They didn't try to really seek additional therapies for their son so I do think he was under treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP. It's just sucks that the people you need support from feel they need to opine instead of support. Families are complicated. Sending hugs.

Thanks. It’s definitely tough, on a day when we were really happy and wanted to share DD’s progress, to have my dad instead try to lecture me about how “many educators aren’t well qualified” and about how he is therefore skeptical of the assessment results.

Well yes, but without a shred of knowledge about the qualifications of DD’s team, it’s just unhelpful.

I think you should feel 100 percent confident saying “dad I know you mean well but that’s not helpful.” And disengage from the conversation. My MIL I very anxious and managed her anxiety by reading up on the doctors we see and if there’s a medical issue she will WebMD herself insane. My SIL just doesn’t tell her anything. My husband gives the same info we give to my parents and then just cuts off the insanity- telling her certain things aren’t up for discussion, reminding her we’ve made our decisions, just not responding to “helpful” links she sends.

You can’t be good enough for some people for some reason. Partly because resources are finite and partly because your kid is more than just their challenges. When you accept that this is how they are and focus on your own reaction it gets better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore DH’s brother.

With your dad, have you told him how the comments come across? Or what you would prefer from him? He is probably used to being the expert in the room and is probably worried about your DD, and those two things are combining badly.

OP here. I’ve tried to tell him, but it’s hard to get him to listen. I think you’re right. He really adores DD, but is used to being the expert and being the one to swoop in and have the answer. He had a long, successful legal career. It’s very hard for him to accept that someone else might know better.

Either don't talk with your dad if you don't want his opinion, or actually listen to him. It's entirely possible that he knows more than you do. When he questions whether your child is really up to par because someone at the school said she is based on one DIBELS, it may not be what you want to hear, but he may have a point. Schools are constantly trying to wiggle out of providing services. How well was the tester actually trained???