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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, why is your DH “not always present”? He should be always present in trips to visit his family [/quote]

I meant that he’s not always in the room or yard or whatever when something is happening. He’s close with his brother and they’ll run errands together or step outside to chat often. [/quote]
You are spending way too much time there if DH has that much time to disappear. Inform the cousins you're going to the park or something, they're welcome to join you (I predict they won't), you'll come around an hour before dinner. You don't need to spend hour after hour in somebody else's house. If DH wants to spend time with his family, he can come around on a three day weekend or something. If he is disappearing it is not big group family time, it is dude bro time with the boys with wifey doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. (My husband used to do this to me.) Tell him you do NOT!!!! want to be alone with his in-laws. DH can do dude bro time on his own. You can do childcare in your own house without +1 naughty kid to deal with. If he wants to hang out this trip, he can do it at a bar when your kids are tucked into the hotel bed. [/quote]

You captured it perfectly. Holidays are a lot of doing childcare in an uncomfortable house. We stay with my MIL who hosts at holidays and also is very determined to get the cousins together to play because in her telling my niece doesn’t play with other children so this is her opportunity to socialize. We have told my MIL our older daughter doesn’t like playing with her cousin because she’s bossy and doesn’t share but we obviously can’t tell her what to do in her home. We try to go out a lot when we visit but my MIL will pull my husband aside and tell him she feels like she’s not spending any time with us and that’s making her sad. And sometimes my husband’s siblings will get involved and tell him there mom is sad because we are not spending enough time with her.

The dynamic with SIL is everyone walks on eggshells because she is insecure and no one wants her to get upset. SIL is the type of person who will not acknowledge me all day and then text my husband the following day to ask if I’m mad at her because I waved to her and said goodbye instead of giving her a hug goodbye when she left. She’s doesn’t seem to be aware of how she comes off but she’s very aware of everyone else. My husband is upset by how my niece treats my daughter but he attributes it all to his sister’s insecurity. I’ve asked him to be present more at holidays so I’m not trying to navigate uncomfortable family dynamics by myself and he says he will be but then he’ll ask me in front of everyone if he can go run an errand with his brother and I feel like I have to say yes.

A hotel would solve for some of this but spending money on a pet sitter and hotel in addition to driving twelve hours with young kids just to potentially walk out abruptly during a holiday meal may be a bridge too far. Also my MIL would probably be hurt if we stayed at a hotel. This may just be the last year we do holidays like this. It’s sad because my children don’t see their grandparents or family often (it’s always us traveling to family) and I want them to experience holidays with cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. My family is spread out and doesn’t gather for holidays so it’s either some form of this situation or we do the holidays on our own. [/quote]
1. There will be less psycho mind games at a third party venue. Invite MIL. "We heard the zoo in this city is really good, we're going tomorrow. Would you like to come?" If she doesn't come she doesn't get to pout about not spending enough time. I think you will find even naughty cousin will be better behaved due to being in public, not on her "turf". 
2. Deploy white lies. When your DH tries the "Can I go to XYZ errand?" "No actually I'd prefer you didn't because I feel a headache coming on." Make sure you tell him in private after that was a face saving white lie for his benefit, you told him you don't want to be left alone and you mean it. You have to be VERY forceful with the average man 
3. Regarding the hotel, I think you will find them knowing you have the option of leaving will improve their behavior. Their behavior is partially coming from a power imbalance
4. You don't have the picture perfect amazing extended family. You just don't. You can't make it happen with awkward family holidays. I know this feel because I have mourned my crappy in-laws and family too. The situation is what it is. At least you know where you stand with them and you can cut your losses. Take the appearance of your peer's families with a grain of salt. Sometimes they are in turmoil too, they just cover it up well. Stay in your own lane and only worry about what you have control over. [/quote]

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