DH doesn't help enforce bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you clearly and directly tell him that she is having trouble in the mornings because of the late bedtimes and ask for support? Where is he in the mornings?

OP here. Just acts like I'm blowing it out of proportion. He's still sleeping. I supervise her to make sure she gets dressed, brushes teeth, gets her backpack together, eats breakfast, I help her with her hair, etc. Then I leave when he's getting up and he takes her to the bus.

No, he doesn’t get to do this if he is creating problems by not enforcing bedtime. Let him do bedtime how he wants. And then he needs to deal with the consequences in the morning.

[Anonymous]

This is a red flag to me that you need a few sessions of couples’ therapy, because this is the two of you not on the same page with parenting. What is this going to look like when she’s 15 and wants to do a lot riskier stuff? She’s also getting the message that you aren’t on the same page as regards the family rules, which isn’t good. It’s going to be easier to fix now, rather than later. I’d tell him you want him to go with you to therapy to help you with parenting stress, not that he’s the problem. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

OP here. See above where he won't get up and sleeps. He is absolutely not a morning person. DD will be late to school no doubt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have an ipad in her room.

Both of you seem really checked out. Why isn't either one of you involved with her? I don't think I'm infantilizing my kids, but I'm still reading to them at night. 8 is when they can understand better books! After that, I stand there while they brush their teeth and then I tuck them in. Are you all just expecting her to put herself to bed and barking "lights out" at her?

OP here. I'm absolutely not checked out. I'm just trying to get her dad to do his fair share. I generally handle all of the morning stuff (see post above - he just takes her to the bus but I do everything else). I take her to all of her activities and do bedtime on non-activity nights. I only ask that he handles it on nights where I've been shuttling her around and generally haven't been home since 6:45am. I don't think it's a big ask. The nights he has to do bedtime after activities, the focus is to get to bed. She can have 10-15 minutes to read (or when he's in charge, iPad). When I do bedtime, we spend more time together. I don't read to her though, she can read herself and prefers that.

I’m going to be honest with you, the reason parenting gets out of balance is because one parent cares more. You care about your daughter getting enough sleep and you would care even if he handled mornings. If you have clearly explained it to him and/or he’s seen her struggling as a he doesn’t care enough to keep an eye on the clock or enforce taking the iPad away. You can not make him care. You just can’t. You have to come to terms with being married to someone who cares less about your kids wellbeing than you do. I have no patience for the posters on here that say drop the rope and he will pout up. He won’t- he’s showing you he won’t. So decide if you are willing to do bedtime every night or if it’s worth it to you to have that time off to let your daughter be tired. Or you manage it like you would if your husband wasn’t there. Responsibility is your daughter’s and you help her by setting the iPad to turn off at 8:30 or having a timer on the lights. No you should not have to do any of that but that’s how it is.

Maybe if you accept that you can get him to do something else that is less important to give you a break. Is he willing to drive her to her activities? And do you care if she is late? I do anything I really care about myself. Shitty way to live but that’s how it is.

Op here, sadly, you are probably correct on this. He just does not step up if I drop the rope. I know I need to do everything if I want it done a certain way, I'm just so tired.

[Anonymous]

Don't have any more kids with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have an ipad in her room.

Both of you seem really checked out. Why isn't either one of you involved with her? I don't think I'm infantilizing my kids, but I'm still reading to them at night. 8 is when they can understand better books! After that, I stand there while they brush their teeth and then I tuck them in. Are you all just expecting her to put herself to bed and barking "lights out" at her?

OP here. I'm absolutely not checked out. I'm just trying to get her dad to do his fair share. I generally handle all of the morning stuff (see post above - he just takes her to the bus but I do everything else). I take her to all of her activities and do bedtime on non-activity nights. I only ask that he handles it on nights where I've been shuttling her around and generally haven't been home since 6:45am. I don't think it's a big ask. The nights he has to do bedtime after activities, the focus is to get to bed. She can have 10-15 minutes to read (or when he's in charge, iPad). When I do bedtime, we spend more time together. I don't read to her though, she can read herself and prefers that.

I’m going to be honest with you, the reason parenting gets out of balance is because one parent cares more. You care about your daughter getting enough sleep and you would care even if he handled mornings. If you have clearly explained it to him and/or he’s seen her struggling as a he doesn’t care enough to keep an eye on the clock or enforce taking the iPad away. You can not make him care. You just can’t. You have to come to terms with being married to someone who cares less about your kids wellbeing than you do. I have no patience for the posters on here that say drop the rope and he will pout up. He won’t- he’s showing you he won’t. So decide if you are willing to do bedtime every night or if it’s worth it to you to have that time off to let your daughter be tired. Or you manage it like you would if your husband wasn’t there. Responsibility is your daughter’s and you help her by setting the iPad to turn off at 8:30 or having a timer on the lights. No you should not have to do any of that but that’s how it is.

Maybe if you accept that you can get him to do something else that is less important to give you a break. Is he willing to drive her to her activities? And do you care if she is late? I do anything I really care about myself. Shitty way to live but that’s how it is.

Op here, sadly, you are probably correct on this. He just does not step up if I drop the rope. I know I need to do everything if I want it done a certain way, I'm just so tired.

The key part of that last post is “want it done a certain way”, it screams control freak. There are some things you have to drop the rope on for your own well-being. If the bedtime routine is so important to you find something else for your DH to take over that you will be less of a control freak about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

OP here. See above where he won't get up and sleeps. He is absolutely not a morning person. DD will be late to school no doubt.

Is he staying up super late? Do you two not go to bed together?

[Anonymous]

Could you tell him that you want to be intimate between 9:00 and 9:30? This is true for me. I get tired after 9:30 or 10:00. It gets my husband motivated to make sure kids are in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

OP here. See above where he won't get up and sleeps. He is absolutely not a morning person. DD will be late to school no doubt.

Is he staying up super late? Do you two not go to bed together?

Yes, he stays up much later and I go to bed on my own earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She shouldn't have an ipad in her room.

Both of you seem really checked out. Why isn't either one of you involved with her? I don't think I'm infantilizing my kids, but I'm still reading to them at night. 8 is when they can understand better books! After that, I stand there while they brush their teeth and then I tuck them in. Are you all just expecting her to put herself to bed and barking "lights out" at her?

OP here. I'm absolutely not checked out. I'm just trying to get her dad to do his fair share. I generally handle all of the morning stuff (see post above - he just takes her to the bus but I do everything else). I take her to all of her activities and do bedtime on non-activity nights. I only ask that he handles it on nights where I've been shuttling her around and generally haven't been home since 6:45am. I don't think it's a big ask. The nights he has to do bedtime after activities, the focus is to get to bed. She can have 10-15 minutes to read (or when he's in charge, iPad). When I do bedtime, we spend more time together. I don't read to her though, she can read herself and prefers that.

I’m going to be honest with you, the reason parenting gets out of balance is because one parent cares more. You care about your daughter getting enough sleep and you would care even if he handled mornings. If you have clearly explained it to him and/or he’s seen her struggling as a he doesn’t care enough to keep an eye on the clock or enforce taking the iPad away. You can not make him care. You just can’t. You have to come to terms with being married to someone who cares less about your kids wellbeing than you do. I have no patience for the posters on here that say drop the rope and he will pout up. He won’t- he’s showing you he won’t. So decide if you are willing to do bedtime every night or if it’s worth it to you to have that time off to let your daughter be tired. Or you manage it like you would if your husband wasn’t there. Responsibility is your daughter’s and you help her by setting the iPad to turn off at 8:30 or having a timer on the lights. No you should not have to do any of that but that’s how it is.

Maybe if you accept that you can get him to do something else that is less important to give you a break. Is he willing to drive her to her activities? And do you care if she is late? I do anything I really care about myself. Shitty way to live but that’s how it is.

Op here, sadly, you are probably correct on this. He just does not step up if I drop the rope. I know I need to do everything if I want it done a certain way, I'm just so tired.

The key part of that last post is “want it done a certain way”, it screams control freak. There are some things you have to drop the rope on for your own well-being. If the bedtime routine is so important to you find something else for your DH to take over that you will be less of a control freak about.

Op here. If it's something that doesn't affect our kid's wellbeing, I'm pretty easygoing. But if he's left to his own devices, she wouldn't go to bed till like 10:30

[Anonymous]

My wife is like this too ( 2 mom family) if I’m home she wants to be the fun parent. The only way she enforces anything is if I’m literally not in the house.
I don’t have a solution OP, just commiseration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

OP here. See above where he won't get up and sleeps. He is absolutely not a morning person. DD will be late to school no doubt.

Is he staying up super late? Do you two not go to bed together?

Yes, he stays up much later and I go to bed on my own earlier.

This would be a bigger issue for me than not putting your daughter to bed. I would be kind of hating him every morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you do evenings and he does mornings?

OP here. See above where he won't get up and sleeps. He is absolutely not a morning person. DD will be late to school no doubt.

Is he staying up super late? Do you two not go to bed together?

Yes, he stays up much later and I go to bed on my own earlier.

This would be a bigger issue for me than not putting your daughter to bed. I would be kind of hating him every morning.

OP here. I hate going to bed late and appreciate a bit of alone time, so honestly doesn't bother me. I only get annoyed by the fact that he can't get up and moving in the morning. I'm not sure he'd be much better going to bed earlier TBH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you in the house when this is all happening? Can you let DH handle everything else and then you go in at 8:35 and turn off her light and give her a hug good night? My oldest is 11 and he will read all night long if I don’t go in for one last tuck in and goodnight and make sure he turns off the light.

Op here. I am, and usually do give a 5 minute warning then come around 8:35 to have her do lights out ... but he's in there and I shouldn't have to! And if I do, he doesn't make sure it happens. Half the time, he's the issue, just distracting her or letting her read/iPad longer until I come in there again. It's just so irritating that he won't enforce a reasonable bedtime. It's not like I'm trying to make her go to bed at 7pm

Is this the only issue where he drops the ball or is it a pattern of behavior? If it's the only issue, then you triage the problem and let it go. If he's repeatedly showing that he can't present a united front with parenting decisions, then it's time for a Come to Jesus talk and therapy if he's not willing to change.

First step is removing the iPad from bedtime. Have it shut off BEFORE bedtime, at 7:00 or 8:00 or however early it needs to be. And put her lights on a timer and talk with her about why it's important that she needs to get enough sleep. An 8 year old is old enough to recognize how she's feeling in the morning, and take some responsibility for her own sleep needs. Don't impose the light timer on her, get her buy in and decide a time together. Maybe 8:40 or 8:45 so she feels like she's getting a win in the decision. Preferably your DH will be involved in these conversations, but if not, then just explain it and tell him his options are to get onboard without undermining you, or wake up with her in the morning.

FWIW, we're currently going through these bedtime negotiations with my 8 year old as well. Without the DH issue though. She will stall and stall at bedtime, then beg for more reading time when it's lights out (9:30 for her, but she doesn't have to wake up until 7:30). She complains she doesn't have enough time to read, so we talked about how we can start bedtime earlier so she can read longer, but still needs to have lights out on time so she's not tired in the morning. She's still stalling and complaining, but when I remind her it's HER choice when she starts bedtime, she's good at acquiescing and is asleep within minutes of the light going out.