Feeling like I’m being punished for being the more successful kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work a soulless corpo job that pays a lot of money and am very frugal and a diligent saver. I have siblings who are very irresponsible with money and also deliberately chose low paying professions that they found more “fun” (they quit their prev careers because they didn’t find it enjoyable enough and they now make minimum wage). My parents have always given me zero financial help, which I don’t necessarily need, while my siblings are showered with thousands of dollars a year in support. I graduated with student loans and had no help with my house down payment. I don’t really like working but I do it because it’s the responsible “adult” thing to do but I can’t help notice my siblings who are working in fun careers always getting bailed out by my parents whenever a $1000 emergency pops up that they can’t cover. The latest thing that happened is we are having a destination family reunion for Christmas and I will need to foot the travel bill myself, thousands of dollars for my wife and I, while my siblings will be covered by my parents. We are all around the same age. I visit my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, it’s not like I’m absent from their lives or estranged. We’ve always been on good terms. I know this sounds extremely entitled so that’s why I’m venting here and not to my parents. I will never ever bring this up to them because it won’t do any good. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I don’t think I’ve read a more immature post here than this. You sound like a 14 year old. You made your choices about what job to take and how to save your money. No one made you do that. Own those decisions because they’re yours. And now you sit here judging the rest of your family for daring to go into “fun careers” and you want some sympathy? Or a ticker tape parade because you chose a boring job?

Go get some therapy with all that money you saved up. Your bitterness and judgment are really pathetic. And mind your own business about how others spend their money. Your parents earned their money and can spend it however they like. It’s none of your damn business if they give it to your siblings or to an animal shelter or buy lottery tickets everyday.

I mean c’mon. You wouldn’t be annoyed if you weren’t being subsidized by your parents but your siblings were? It’s not like they have disabilities. They simply haven’t had a soul sucking corporate job to pay the bills.

No.
I’m the oldest of six kids. I am the “responsible” oldest kid. If I needed money or support, my parents would be there. But I don’t need it. And I don’t whine or complain or get annoyed when my siblings have needed help. It’s not my place to judge them or my parents for helping them.

If OP hates that soul-sucking corporate job, then they need to quit and find something else. But they don’t get to complain about their job choice AND at the same time sit in judgement of siblings who made different job choices.

[Anonymous]

No.
I’m the oldest of six kids. I am the “responsible” oldest kid. If I needed money or support, my parents would be there. But I don’t need it. And I don’t whine or complain or get annoyed when my siblings have needed help. It’s not my place to judge them or my parents for helping them.

If OP hates that soul-sucking corporate job, then they need to quit and find something else. But they don’t get to complain about their job choice AND at the same time sit in judgement of siblings who made different job choices.

Good for you. You have zero empathy and see things in the most black and white way possible. I’m also one of six kids, and as adults my parents have treated us all exactly the same financially despite us being in very different circumstances individually (one obscenely wealthy, another “rich”, several middle class and one struggles). We all get the same check for birthdays and holidays. Everyone’s travel is covered for family reunions. My parents are adamant about treating their kids the same to avoid any resentments, which happen naturally in situations where some receive more than others. The only variation is if one of the siblings needs a loan for an emergency purpose, but it is treated as a loan (either short term or long). All of us kids have thanked my parents for taking this approach early on.

[Anonymous]

Do your parents ever voice their pride in your independence/how you are managing your life?

[Anonymous]

"Mom and Dad, I will need help footing the bill for this Christmas reunion. I will need X amount ." If needed say, "this was not my decision, this destination family reunion. Where it is being held. I would like to go if possible."

If this is the first time you are asking for money, limit the conversation to this one event. Talk about general, long term inequity, if you choose, later. Unless they say, "no". Then, say it all.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was/am in a similar situation. I got a crappy job I didn't like out of college in 2010 during the recession, lived in a gross apartment with my boyfriend (many years later, now my husband), started paying off my student loans and went on with my life. My boyfriend's dad (now my FIL) helped us move our stuff into our apartment.

My brother graduated two years later and moved back in with them while he struggled to find work. When he did get a job, they helped him move into his apartment and bought him a bunch of stuff to help furnish it. They made his student loan payments for him for years. He did eventually end up paying off the rest of his loans himself using a big bonus that he got one year, so it's not like he really needed their help once he got a job.

Still, they live equally far (10 hour drive in opposite directions) from both me and my brother and we both have kids the same age (3 and 5). They go visit to babysit his kids all the time and never make the same offer to us. My brother and sister in law are on a week-long vacation right now while my parents are watching their kids. We don't have other help nearby us, so if we want a date night (forget a vacation), we hire a sitter. Last year, my youngest was in the hospital and we dropped off our oldest with 10 minutes notice with friends who kept her for the whole day, fed her breakfast, lunch and dinner, and would have kept her overnight for us if we needed it. I sometimes feel like my parents think because we built ourselves a village and my brother didn't, that we don't need the help the way he does. Or because we live in a more expensive area, we must be "loaded" and don't need their help. It's very hard and I understand where you're coming from. But, as you say, I'll never have this conversation with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would personally just opt out of the family trip and spend the money to go with my spouse to a destination of our choosing rather than paying to go on a $ trip that someone else picked and where my siblings were being subsidized but I was expected to pay my own way.

+1 and who is paying for the food, stay etc. If this trip is going to breed resentment better to bow out and keep the peace.

+2 do more of your own thing

[Anonymous]

PP, to say you'll never have the conversation. How about say something. Not dramatic. Focus on the here and now, not hurts from the past. Express how you'd like them to be involved and help. Won't you want the same peer to peer, adult conversation someday between you and your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

No.
I’m the oldest of six kids. I am the “responsible” oldest kid. If I needed money or support, my parents would be there. But I don’t need it. And I don’t whine or complain or get annoyed when my siblings have needed help. It’s not my place to judge them or my parents for helping them.

If OP hates that soul-sucking corporate job, then they need to quit and find something else. But they don’t get to complain about their job choice AND at the same time sit in judgement of siblings who made different job choices.

Good for you. You have zero empathy and see things in the most black and white way possible. I’m also one of six kids, and as adults my parents have treated us all exactly the same financially despite us being in very different circumstances individually (one obscenely wealthy, another “rich”, several middle class and one struggles). We all get the same check for birthdays and holidays. Everyone’s travel is covered for family reunions. My parents are adamant about treating their kids the same to avoid any resentments, which happen naturally in situations where some receive more than others. The only variation is if one of the siblings needs a loan for an emergency purpose, but it is treated as a loan (either short term or long). All of us kids have thanked my parents for taking this approach early on.

Actually you are the one who is only seeing things in black and white. You literally wrote that everyone in your family is treated exactly the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would personally just opt out of the family trip and spend the money to go with my spouse to a destination of our choosing rather than paying to go on a $ trip that someone else picked and where my siblings were being subsidized but I was expected to pay my own way.

+1

This is what we’ve actually done.

[Anonymous]

Are they giving away too much to the other kids with expectations that you will fund their retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work a soulless corpo job that pays a lot of money and am very frugal and a diligent saver. I have siblings who are very irresponsible with money and also deliberately chose low paying professions that they found more “fun” (they quit their prev careers because they didn’t find it enjoyable enough and they now make minimum wage). My parents have always given me zero financial help, which I don’t necessarily need, while my siblings are showered with thousands of dollars a year in support. I graduated with student loans and had no help with my house down payment. I don’t really like working but I do it because it’s the responsible “adult” thing to do but I can’t help notice my siblings who are working in fun careers always getting bailed out by my parents whenever a $1000 emergency pops up that they can’t cover. The latest thing that happened is we are having a destination family reunion for Christmas and I will need to foot the travel bill myself, thousands of dollars for my wife and I, while my siblings will be covered by my parents. We are all around the same age. I visit my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, it’s not like I’m absent from their lives or estranged. We’ve always been on good terms. I know this sounds extremely entitled so that’s why I’m venting here and not to my parents. I will never ever bring this up to them because it won’t do any good. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I see know punishment except what you are doing to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work a soulless corpo job that pays a lot of money and am very frugal and a diligent saver. I have siblings who are very irresponsible with money and also deliberately chose low paying professions that they found more “fun” (they quit their prev careers because they didn’t find it enjoyable enough and they now make minimum wage). My parents have always given me zero financial help, which I don’t necessarily need, while my siblings are showered with thousands of dollars a year in support. I graduated with student loans and had no help with my house down payment. I don’t really like working but I do it because it’s the responsible “adult” thing to do but I can’t help notice my siblings who are working in fun careers always getting bailed out by my parents whenever a $1000 emergency pops up that they can’t cover. The latest thing that happened is we are having a destination family reunion for Christmas and I will need to foot the travel bill myself, thousands of dollars for my wife and I, while my siblings will be covered by my parents. We are all around the same age. I visit my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, it’s not like I’m absent from their lives or estranged. We’ve always been on good terms. I know this sounds extremely entitled so that’s why I’m venting here and not to my parents. I will never ever bring this up to them because it won’t do any good. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I see know punishment except what you are doing to yourself.

This. They are not intentionally trying to hurt you by helping your sibling(s) more. Wait until you get written out of the will because you don't "need" the inheritance. That will really mess with your mind. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

This is why you don’t tell anyone how much you make or how much you have, even your parents. Always try to downplay your success. My parents think I make 1/4 what I actually do and one time they even asked if I was struggling with bills when I have 7 figures saved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work a soulless corpo job that pays a lot of money and am very frugal and a diligent saver. I have siblings who are very irresponsible with money and also deliberately chose low paying professions that they found more “fun” (they quit their prev careers because they didn’t find it enjoyable enough and they now make minimum wage). My parents have always given me zero financial help, which I don’t necessarily need, while my siblings are showered with thousands of dollars a year in support. I graduated with student loans and had no help with my house down payment. I don’t really like working but I do it because it’s the responsible “adult” thing to do but I can’t help notice my siblings who are working in fun careers always getting bailed out by my parents whenever a $1000 emergency pops up that they can’t cover. The latest thing that happened is we are having a destination family reunion for Christmas and I will need to foot the travel bill myself, thousands of dollars for my wife and I, while my siblings will be covered by my parents. We are all around the same age. I visit my parents regularly and have a good relationship with them, it’s not like I’m absent from their lives or estranged. We’ve always been on good terms. I know this sounds extremely entitled so that’s why I’m venting here and not to my parents. I will never ever bring this up to them because it won’t do any good. Anyone been in a similar situation?

I could have written this. My parents were always LMC. My sister decided to get married at 20 to a crappy guy who was supposed to be rolling in the dough. Turns out, he made stupid financial decisions and they had a bunch of kids so were always too broke to help out. Meanwhile, I had to grow up and put myself through college and help my parents out, and then had to help out my sister's family financially as well. WE never get a break or $$ from anyone. It's annoying but I'm about to cut everyone off.

[Anonymous]

Silly. I’d much rather be financially successful than qualify for handouts.