Disliked By Most of the Mothers at DC's School

[Anonymous]

OP, your post is so well-written and heartfelt that I find it impossible to think any of this is your fault -- or your child's. If she really is happy at her school, I'd encourage you to wait and see how things develop and reserve your option to transfer until a little later when she can help identify what she'd like in a school.

My children have been at several private schools, and I've been everything from a member of the board at one to feeling like miss loneyhearts sitting in the bleachers all alone at another. That ache is unforgettable. One school had the tradition of inviting all new families over for summer parties so everyone felt plugged in in the fall, and at one school no old family even bothered to greet us as a new family at the beginning of the year potluck. I just basically think that people are oblivious to how others feel and very selfish about finding their own little group where they feel secure and successful -- what they are expressing is that they feel "complete" without any new friends whatsoever, and that has nothing to do with who you are at all.

I agree with the the poster who said you should keep an eye out for others who might need your help in connecting. You should also volunteer if you can so that you'll make friends outside of the class. It also might help to touch base with one of your daughter's teachers to makes sure she feels part of the group. A really sensitive teacher might also give you some perspective on the parent dynamics.

At any rate, once you start forming a center of your own, you'll probably discover that those who were so happily oblivious suddenly develop a new interest in you -- use your own judgement about how to deal with that!

[Anonymous]

I've occasionally found it hard to fit in, primarily because -- in my early-to-mid thirties -- I am several years younger than most moms at my DC's schools.

[Anonymous]

Why does the phrase "don't hate me because I am beautiful" keep playing through my head.

Seriously, some of you posters have got to be kidding me. You think you are not clicking with some moms because you are younger? In my children's school, we have moms in their 20s, 30s, and 40s. No one gives a damn and a number of us, across all the age groups, are fairly close. And in this day and age, there are as many hot moms in their 40s as there are in there 20s.

So OP and others, you really need to look inside yourselves and figure out what is going on. And I agree with others that you should see if you are being too sensitive -- perhaps a number of these moms already knew each other from prior schools, etc. While everyone should make an effort to welcome new people, perhaps they are just comfortable with each other and a little awkward about reaching out to others. Just make an effort over time and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

``And in this day and age, there are as many hot moms in their 40s as there are in there 20s. ''

hahahaha.

That's absurd on its face. Please don't kid yourself and cover up that stomach ring at throw away the thong.

[Anonymous]

OP, as some of the earlier posters have mentioned, although your perception may be completely accurate, there's also the chance that this may be more about you than about the other parents. I think using the rest of your life as a gauge is likely a good first step to see if the situation you're facing at the school is about you or is about there really being a parent clique. If you work full-time, do you have easy, friendly relationships with your colleagues? Or are those relationships a little difficult, too? There are definitely people out there who stupidly carry the cliquey mean girls thing into their adulthood, and that may be what you're facing, but there are also people who just don't have an easy time socially. They're a little awkward, shy, introverted, or have a hard time making small talk or making friends. I see it with my sister, who is very, very shy -- she's always very focused on and intimidated by what she thinks other people are thinking about her in social situations, when the reality is that no one is really thinking about her except her. And of course, her constant focus on what others are thinking about her makes her even less able to just walk up to a group and start talking. Anyway, this may not at all be your situation, but I wanted to mention it, in case it's helpful to you or others, as I think this kind of thing is hard to see from inside your own head sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If people don't like you there's probably a reason.

O really!!!

OP, be yourself.
Forget about these lunatic DCUM posters. You do not owe anything to those private-school-mother-posters.

Just be yourself

[Anonymous]

Look at it this way, now that you see what some of these women are like, aren't you glad you don't have to deal with them regularly?

[Anonymous]

PP: You are right on target. Many of these women are unhappy and want to feel as if they are "in the know" or popular to make themselves feel better about who they really are (or aren't). I wouldn't be surprised if a few years from now these same women will be wishing that they could extricate themselves from this clique b/c it doesn't allow them to socialize with others. Be happy that you are a "loner". You probably don't need any more friends. Besides, the most important friend to keep is the friendship you have with yourself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: ``And in this day and age, there are as many hot moms in their 40s as there are in there 20s. ''

hahahaha.

That's absurd on its face. Please don't kid yourself and cover up that stomach ring at throw away the thong.

Agreed. Demi Moore - that old hag.

[Anonymous]

I've felt this way too when my DS was at a particular school. My isolation was made worse by the fact that I work FT in a fairly intense career. As for the age thing, I'm not necessarily seeing it as a 'don't hate me because i'm beautiful' type of thing. Rather, my impression was that some moms appeared less inclined to strike up conversations with me because the age difference between us might have made us have less in common. Absolutely I agree that moms in their 40s, particularly private school moms, are attractive.
I just tell myself that I'd rather have a couple of genuine friends as opposed to being part of a "group" esp since I don't have time for that kind of commitment with 3 kids and a career.

[Anonymous]

Must not be too busy if you have time to post on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the obvious troll.

[Anonymous]

Getting back to the point. Some moms are plain rude. No other explanation necessary. I can recall trying to be get to know one mom who lived in my neighborhood by leaving a voicemail message for her to call me when she could. She never did. This mom appeared to be a nice person at first, but started acting aloof later on. I tried to examine my actions to see if I could be construed as being rude, pushy, or someone that people generally don't want to be around-- needless to say, I couldn't come up with an answer. I have never had a hard time making friends elsewhere during my own schooling, at my job, etc., but this private school scene has thrown me for a loop!!!

[Anonymous]

My children are well versed in one of my rules: befriend the new kid. I try and do the same with new parents, although I'm sure I'm not all that well plugged-in socially at my school. Anyway, even though I don't have much with most of these SAHM SUV-driving moms, I always make a point to introduce myself to the new parents and welcome them. If you're a "veteran" of even a year, try chatting to a new parent. That's how I've gotten to know quite a few parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the point. Some moms are plain rude. No other explanation necessary. I can recall trying to be get to know one mom who lived in my neighborhood by leaving a voicemail message for her to call me when she could. She never did. This mom appeared to be a nice person at first, but started acting aloof later on. I tried to examine my actions to see if I could be construed as being rude, pushy, or someone that people generally don't want to be around-- needless to say, I couldn't come up with an answer. I have never had a hard time making friends elsewhere during my own schooling, at my job, etc., but this private school scene has thrown me for a loop!!!

I'm not rude or cliquish, but, honestly, I wouldn't have called you back after such a voicemail either. If you want to get to know someone, you don't start by imposing an obligation on them (call me back). On the whole, I wouldn't want to start a relationship on the phone when face-to-face is an option. So that would have struck me as a strange and off-putting overture.