Disliked By Most of the Mothers at DC's School

[Anonymous]

I am in a bind. My DC seems to like her school (she is a rising 1st grader). However, most mothers in my DC's class seem to have cliques of which I am not a part. It makes me feel as if I am in middle school again. I know it seems pathetic that I am thinking like this (much less writing about this in my free time), but it has and continues to bother me. I fear that because I am not well "connected" that this will affect my DC with respect to her friendships and her potential to be treated fairly at school. I think I am a nice person, but for some reason am not accepted. I just want to be clear that my main concern is not my acceptance from these moms-- rather, it is that my daughter will not fit in with her peers because she isn't invited on playdates (impromptu or otherwise) and she will feel like an outsider like her mom. Am I overreacting-- Would you feel the same way? Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks for your responses!!

[Anonymous]

OP here again-- I forgot to ask-- if you were in my position, would you transfer your DC to another school? I always envisioned there being a synergy between my child, her friends, and the mothers of each, respectively. . . .

[Anonymous]

It definitely helps when the children are younger but I don't think there's a correlation. Is your daughter outgoing? Did she go on lots of playdates in K? Do you initiate playdates, too? As for you not being accepted, do some of the mothers already know each other through preschool, older sibs, neighborhood?

[Anonymous]

OP- here. she has been on some playdates-- all initiated by me. Those mothers were nice but never reciprocated. However, we they do see me, they say, we should get the girls together-- but it never come to fruition. I already laid out the olive branch-- but perhaps a tree is necessary? LOL!

[Anonymous]

I was in the same boat. When we arrived at dc's school, a lot of the moms had been there for a few years due to older children in the school, and they had already made friendships and had a history together. I got involved with committees and fundraisers at the school, so I was able to meet more parents and develop my own strong relationships. I have to say, I have made great friends at the school. I also work outside the home, but I was still able to get involved when I could. I would not pull your child out, especially if she likes it.

[Anonymous]

I feel same way. Its a school full of legacies and we are not. We also don't belong to a country club and it seems most others do. Are you sure you are disliked or just not part of the crowd? Big difference. The best way to address this is to volunteer at the school. I work but still do this as much as possible. You get to see if you child is doing well first hand which really helps. A friend of mine also went thru this - she started to volunteer to help at lunch and saw her child looking very lonely (i did too and it was so sad). They moved him the next year.

In my case, the kids are doing well and love their school so i've hung in there. I've learned to have a thick skin during school events. I've also noticed that there are others like me - it just appears that everyone is so happy and social - many of not part of that crowd.

[Anonymous]

re playdate reciprocity. For what it's worth, I think that some moms have their act together enough to initiate playdates and others don't (put me in the latter category). Also, sometimes moms with multiple school-aged kids and/or complicated work schedules can be pulled in so many different directions after school that they can't usually host. (I'm not in that category but have friends who are.)

Bottom line: no need to wait for a return invite before asking again if your DC has a really good time with another kid and wants to have another playdate. You just may get an enthusiastic/grateful yes (e.g. other mom thinking oh good she's not PO'ed at me for not reciprocating yet!) and a new perspective/friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:re playdate reciprocity. For what it's worth, I think that some moms have their act together enough to initiate playdates and others don't (put me in the latter category). Also, sometimes moms with multiple school-aged kids and/or complicated work schedules can be pulled in so many different directions after school that they can't usually host. (I'm not in that category but have friends who are.)

Bottom line: no need to wait for a return invite before asking again if your DC has a really good time with another kid and wants to have another playdate. You just may get an enthusiastic/grateful yes (e.g. other mom thinking oh good she's not PO'ed at me for not reciprocating yet!) and a new perspective/friendship.

My rule with playdates is that it is okay to initiate two times in a row. The third playdate has to be initiated by the other child or or his/her parent; otherwise I would be in danger of seeming socially pushy.

If someone does not reciprocate a paydate, I wouldn't necessarily take it personally. I myself have sometimes been too untogether to host a playdate -- family crisis, filthy house, or child not allowed to have a playdate for a month as a punishment for an infraction.

Other times, it is because I did not want to get into reciprocal playdates with someone with whom I did not want my child socializing. In one case it was clear that the household was under very little adult supervision, with two teenaged older brothers running wild, and I did not want my daughter spending time at that house. Well, I guess they could have taken it personally if they had known my reason, but I certainly didn't let them know my reason. I just turned down their invitation and explained the reason to my daughter. I don't think one should get started with accepting an invitation if one is not going to reciprocate. However, it can be hard to say no to your own child when he or she is invited and wants to go. But just say no; it's kinder than going and then not reciprocating.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am a pariah at our school with the other moms because I work FT. And I mean a pariah. I volunteer a great deal in my kid's classroom. I am on a fundraising committee. And I am involved as much as I can be. Over the course of a few years I have made a few very good friends. I don't think my kid has been invited one time on a playdate, but I also don't initiate them because I hate them so I have never worried about them. My kid has loads of friends and has a best friend. And, god love my child, her best friend's mom works and we are becoming friends.

[Anonymous]

I am in your shoes, OP, same year, with the added wrinkle that my DS isn't popular or even well-liked himself. (He's an introvert and a little strange and his strongest interests don't mesh with most kids' interests.)

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I understand the urge to move your kid, especially if you have only 1 at this point in a school. I don't think that's overly drastic, especially if your intuition is telling you that this -will- be an ongoing problem.

So two things; one is that at some point, your DD's social life will make or break on its own. Others with older kids will chime in here and say what age that happens. Two, if your DD is non-conventional and slow to warm up herself, and/or if your school is small, don't be afraid to move to a bigger place with more potential (due to #s) for social connections for you AND her.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, OP. It sounds uncomfortable although I am not completely convinced that your perception is accurate. But it is your perception so that is what counts. I would say give it some time. And yes, I agree that what matters is how such a situation would affect your daughter ... but again, as long as she seems happy and involved and reasonably included ... no need to panic. The older the kids get, the more they do their own choosing of friends outside of the parents' social engineering efforts. Please be careful not to subtly transmit your worries to your child, as there may really be no problem and worrying about the number of playdates and who reciprocated could lead to unnecessary insecurity. Best wishes!

[Anonymous]

I can identify with what OP is saying, but I think that you might be a little too sensitive. I work FT+ and am barely "in the know" with the clique at our school. And I was shocked when another mom asked my son for a playdate since I had no idea how to even get it figured out (our nanny barely speaks English and I thought it would be too much trouble). Since I can barely keep my own life organized, I find it somewhat overwhelming to add anything new into it. But I've managed to show up for various (once every 3 months) mom's night out type of things. Perhaps you could organize a book club or a wine tasting group with some of these mothers. Or a dinner party with a few couples that you like. Anyway, I have never invited kids over to my house for a playdate since I'm never home and dont' really feel comfortable hosting when I'm not there to supervise. So I can also put myself in that other person's shoes. Don't over think it and definitely don't worry that these parents aren't your best friends. I went to Visitation for high school and we weren't catholic and didn't belong to a country club. All my friends had been at the same school with the same families their entire lives and it was a blast. I loved it and had no issues fitting in and my parents didnt' really hang out with any of their parents...no big deal. I'm sure you can find other experiences that were completely opposite to mine. But the point is to change schools when it doesn't work for your child, not when it doesn't work for you.

[Anonymous]

I have the same situation with my daughter (who is also a rising first grader), except I'm pretty sure I know *why* the other moms don't like me: I'm in my late twenties, which apparently is the equivalent of being a teen mom around the DC area! My daughter gets along great with her classmates, and they seem to like her as well, but I, too, fear that things will change as she gets older (and she will have less and less friends due to their parents' dislike of me).

The ironic thing is, where I come from in Louisiana, I'm actually an *older* mother... My friends' kids are like, ten years old now!

[Anonymous]

LOL!! I hear you, 3:14!! You are probably viewed as potentially a second, trophy wife! I'm from the sticks too and got married "late" at age 20. "Fortunately" I had trouble conceiving and so am now a mid-40s mom of a young elementary child. Isn't it silly how people judge others using such bizarre criteria?!

[Anonymous]

ewwwwww what school????? We never had this problem and I'm far from being popular or liked. My child is one of a handful of black kids in her grade and we have never felt left out. What made you choose this school? Did you not do any research first? I could actually care less if parents don't like me for whatever reason as long as my child doesn't feel uncomfortable, which up to this point has not.