Mean girl behavior in 1st…. Tricky situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, give examples or move along. And until you give specific examples non one can help you.

Ew, you are not in charge here. I know exactly what OP is talking about. If you don't, then YOU move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is experiencing regular mean girl behavior from one of her friends who is immature for a 6 year old in terms of social emotional development. She runs very hot and cold and is prone to saying mean things , for example the most recent was yesterday, where my daughter came home in tears from something nasty she said.

The tricky part is this girl is a next door neighbor, directly next door and they take the bus together morning and afternoon. On top of that her mom and I are friends.

In any other mean girl situation I would just tell my daughter not to be friends with this girl and to focus on the friends who are nice. But the neighbor dynamic makes this challenging especially when it comes to play dates we have at our house or at the neighbors house. Should I talk to her mom about it? Not sure what to do but I don’t want my daughter to continue to be the target of this behavior.

This is not at all "mean girl" behavior. It might be mean behavior from a girl, but it is very different from mean girl behavior, which almost always originates from girls that are more mature than their peers from a social emotional perspective, which allows them to be adept at manipulating. An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.

+10000

[Anonymous]

“This is not mean girl behavior….An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.”

Stop it with the semantics! What difference do motivations make to the OP’s daughter if she’s coming home in tears? Do you think DD cares that this girl will eventually grow out of it?

If someone is making my otherwise content child come home in tears, it’s time to cut him or her out. Let this girl, mean or not, go be mean or not on someone else’s back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From my experience, the mom is not going to be receptive to hearing that her DD is a mean girl. Have your DD focus on other friends and spend less time with next door neighbor. Do not make your child deal with nasty behavior just because you are friends with the mom. If the mom asks, just say that it seems like the girls aren't getting along well right now and could use some space from each other.

This same scenario happened to my DD in ES. I told the other mom my DD needed a break. At first, she was like "of course! totally get it." This mom, at times acknowledged how mean her kid could be; other times it was amnesia.

It's now 4 years later and the mom has had a vendetta against me because DD "dropped" her daughter in ES -- her daughter only had other friendships via my DD. DD was clear that everyone should still hang out and be friends with the other girl, but the friends weren't interested in her. In part because she could be nasty. But honestly she was kind of a boring kid. Also, covid was part of it. Their family chose to stay remote 20-21 school year and were generally very fearful and didn't meet up with folks. Judging from mom's anger apparently covid was our fault too idk. DD did go to school that year and flourished.

The girls are now in 7th grade and are great friends. They got over the stuff from when they were 8 years old. The mom's mean behavior towards me (following many overtures) and sour grapes have totally ruined our friendship, though.

My only regret is not putting a stop to it sooner. My DD would be in tears over mean things the girl said and it was just so awkward because our families were intertwined. I lost the mom as a friend anyway, who cares. I should have protected my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: “This is not mean girl behavior….An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.”

Stop it with the semantics! What difference do motivations make to the OP’s daughter if she’s coming home in tears? Do you think DD cares that this girl will eventually grow out of it?

If someone is making my otherwise content child come home in tears, it’s time to cut him or her out. Let this girl, mean or not, go be mean or not on someone else’s back.

?? It's hardly semantics. There is a substantive difference between someone who is intentionally choosing actions meant to cause hurt, and someone who is inadvertently causing hurt. If OP is looking to tread lightly and preserve relationships then this difference absolutely matters. There are all kinds of nuances in how little girls interact, and just because one ended up with hurt feelings doesn't mean the right answer is to cut the other girl out, particularly if there are existing relationships you're not looking to destroy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “This is not mean girl behavior….An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.”

Stop it with the semantics! What difference do motivations make to the OP’s daughter if she’s coming home in tears? Do you think DD cares that this girl will eventually grow out of it?

If someone is making my otherwise content child come home in tears, it’s time to cut him or her out. Let this girl, mean or not, go be mean or not on someone else’s back.

?? It's hardly semantics. There is a substantive difference between someone who is intentionally choosing actions meant to cause hurt, and someone who is inadvertently causing hurt. If OP is looking to tread lightly and preserve relationships then this difference absolutely matters. There are all kinds of nuances in how little girls interact, and just because one ended up with hurt feelings doesn't mean the right answer is to cut the other girl out, particularly if there are existing relationships you're not looking to destroy.

+100. The way you deal with a Queen Bee being mean vs. an immature kid with poor impulse control is entirely different. It's actually helpful in this case because telling a mom something she surely already knows and isn't particularly judgmental (your immature-for-age kid sometimes blurts out mean things) is TOTALLY different than telling a mom that her kid is a "mean girl" and MUCH less likely to (1) be a surprise to mom or (2) elicit a negative enough reaction to affect the moms' friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster who said she is 6 and to tread lightly and assume she is learning. 6 year olds can do really dumb things and not always intend to be mean, they need help to learn. Also remember that 6 year olds aren't always the best reporters so keep in mind that you don't know what may have happened before and after on your daughters end. I'm not saying give a pass to the mean behavior, it sounds like your daughter was upset. But remember that sometimes these situations can be more complex and it is really easy to assume our kid would never be a part of it.

We have a neighbor two doors down and have had to navigate some things like this when the kids weren't getting along that great. But it wasn't just one of the kids, both were kind of engaging from what I saw. I mentioned to the other mom that the kids had been like oil and water lately and we talked about things that might help them. Even though I thought her child was being kind of mean at times, I recognized it was a bigger thing in their relationship and not this kid being a mean kid. I talked to my own child about some strategies and both parents worked to give them a little space from each other in terms of hanging after school and stuff. Things got way better again after that.

I would give your daughter some tools to respond. And ask her how she wants to handle it. And if I could, I would bring it up to my friend in a way of like hey the girls seem to be getting into it recently, DC was crying the other day because maybe they were fighting and your DC may have said x. Have you heard anything?

Don't make it about just your daughter did x wrong or is a mean girl. That obviously will not go over well. Let's be real, no 1st grader is a mean girl so just stop there. They are little girls, who can be mean, because they hear big kids or whoever being mean and they are trying to figure it all out.

+1, especially because of the report that the girl "runs hot and cold." This is so normal in this age! My DD will tell me she hates and I'm the worst mom because I won't give her a second dessert, and then literally an hour later be cuddling with me in bed and telling me I'm the best and she loves me. She's just articulating her feelings in the moment without much filter and nothing she says is meant as a permanent judgment. When she uses hurtful words (like hate, or labeling people as bad or mean) we push back and say it's fine if she's not happy but that hate is a strong word and that we label behavior but not people. It's a work in progress.

She has also complained of feeling like other kids at school are "mean" at times, but when we explore it a bit, often it turns out that it's similar to what I'm describing in my own DD -- they aren't bullying her even being nasty to her, but they sometimes express negative feelings to her and she takes that as them being mean. She'll also call a teacher mean if the teacher doesn't just let her do whatever she wants. We keep explaining that people setting boundaries are not mean, and that DD might not love everything other people do but that is different from disliking other people. Again, work in progress.

I'd also caution talking to the other mom without thinking very hard about whether there is actually a problem here. Please recognize that if you approach the other mom from the perspective of her DD being the problem, she may very well flip it around on you. Are you ready to hear what her DD says about your DD after school? You might be surprised to discover that the complaints go both ways -- they very often do.

[Anonymous]

We’ll have to agree to disagree. My mom made me endure this exact same sort of behavior at this age and it had terrible consequences for my long term self-esteem and more importantly with my ability to establish boundaries. As such, I think it’s critical to learn how to establish proper boundaries from early in life. That means not putting up with other people being mean to you. My child doesn’t have to endure mean comments and rude behaviors just because I’m friendly with a mom. There are many, many people in the world and many, many children to chose to play with. There is absolutely no reason to come home in tears, especially if it only happens after hanging out with one child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “This is not mean girl behavior….An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.”

Stop it with the semantics! What difference do motivations make to the OP’s daughter if she’s coming home in tears? Do you think DD cares that this girl will eventually grow out of it?

If someone is making my otherwise content child come home in tears, it’s time to cut him or her out. Let this girl, mean or not, go be mean or not on someone else’s back.

?? It's hardly semantics. There is a substantive difference between someone who is intentionally choosing actions meant to cause hurt, and someone who is inadvertently causing hurt. If OP is looking to tread lightly and preserve relationships then this difference absolutely matters. There are all kinds of nuances in how little girls interact, and just because one ended up with hurt feelings doesn't mean the right answer is to cut the other girl out, particularly if there are existing relationships you're not looking to destroy.

+100. The way you deal with a Queen Bee being mean vs. an immature kid with poor impulse control is entirely different. It's actually helpful in this case because telling a mom something she surely already knows and isn't particularly judgmental (your immature-for-age kid sometimes blurts out mean things) is TOTALLY different than telling a mom that her kid is a "mean girl" and MUCH less likely to (1) be a surprise to mom or (2) elicit a negative enough reaction to affect the moms' friendship.

+200

[Anonymous]

I would tread carefully about bringing it up with the mom. I was in a situation like this and their teacher offered to see what the problem was. It turned out to be misunderstandings. So maybe if you have an awesome teacher, or some other impartial figure, they might be willing to help.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend whose daughter is mean. She is just a mean person. She is not mean to my daughter but I have witnessed her excluding others, saying mean things and also saying unacceptable awful hatred words to the parents. I just have been distancing myself from them.

Girls can ride the bus together. You can continue having play dates with others.

[Anonymous]

We have a neighbor whose son became friends with my son. He used to play nicely but at some point, he started pushing and tackling my son and DS didn’t like it. We learned the other kid had ADHD. I tried coaching my son to ignore or be civil but it wasn’t working. The boy would sit with my DS and bother him on the bus and my DS wanted to be left alone. The mother accused my son of bullying her son. School investigated and the witnesses all said the other boy was the aggressor.

I eventually drove my son to and from school to avoid this boy. He is not our next door neighbor but a block away. It is very awkward when I see the mother because over the years, she has texted me accusing my kid of being a bully and excluding her son and then trying to invite my kid over. I just ignore her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: “This is not mean girl behavior….An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.”

Stop it with the semantics! What difference do motivations make to the OP’s daughter if she’s coming home in tears? Do you think DD cares that this girl will eventually grow out of it?

If someone is making my otherwise content child come home in tears, it’s time to cut him or her out. Let this girl, mean or not, go be mean or not on someone else’s back.

?? It's hardly semantics. There is a substantive difference between someone who is intentionally choosing actions meant to cause hurt, and someone who is inadvertently causing hurt. If OP is looking to tread lightly and preserve relationships then this difference absolutely matters. There are all kinds of nuances in how little girls interact, and just because one ended up with hurt feelings doesn't mean the right answer is to cut the other girl out, particularly if there are existing relationships you're not looking to destroy.

+100. The way you deal with a Queen Bee being mean vs. an immature kid with poor impulse control is entirely different. It's actually helpful in this case because telling a mom something she surely already knows and isn't particularly judgmental (your immature-for-age kid sometimes blurts out mean things) is TOTALLY different than telling a mom that her kid is a "mean girl" and MUCH less likely to (1) be a surprise to mom or (2) elicit a negative enough reaction to affect the moms' friendship.

+200

Where does it say that OP is planning to tell the mother that her daughter is a mean girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From my experience, the mom is not going to be receptive to hearing that her DD is a mean girl. Have your DD focus on other friends and spend less time with next door neighbor. Do not make your child deal with nasty behavior just because you are friends with the mom. If the mom asks, just say that it seems like the girls aren't getting along well right now and could use some space from each other.

This same scenario happened to my DD in ES. I told the other mom my DD needed a break. At first, she was like "of course! totally get it." This mom, at times acknowledged how mean her kid could be; other times it was amnesia.

It's now 4 years later and the mom has had a vendetta against me because DD "dropped" her daughter in ES -- her daughter only had other friendships via my DD. DD was clear that everyone should still hang out and be friends with the other girl, but the friends weren't interested in her. In part because she could be nasty. But honestly she was kind of a boring kid. Also, covid was part of it. Their family chose to stay remote 20-21 school year and were generally very fearful and didn't meet up with folks. Judging from mom's anger apparently covid was our fault too idk. DD did go to school that year and flourished.

The girls are now in 7th grade and are great friends. They got over the stuff from when they were 8 years old. The mom's mean behavior towards me (following many overtures) and sour grapes have totally ruined our friendship, though.

My only regret is not putting a stop to it sooner. My DD would be in tears over mean things the girl said and it was just so awkward because our families were intertwined. I lost the mom as a friend anyway, who cares. I should have protected my kid.

Oh wow this is so similar to our situation. The mean kid, the Covid weirdness, other friends only through my son. The did literally blame us for giving them Covid because we all got sick at the same time. They would not acknowledge that they could have given it to us or gotten it elsewhere.

I feel bad for their kids because apparently this family didn't realize that being mean might result in loss of friendships.

[Anonymous]

Mom of 5th and 6th graders here -- trust me when I tell you that six years old is not the age for "mean girl behavior" and it is likely just a child trying to figure out social interactions. The kid needs to be coached and your kid needs to be coached on how to react to things this child says and does.

I agree with the posters asking for examples - we don't know if this kid said she doesn't like your daughter's shirt or if this kid said your daughter is going to hell or she wants to kill your child. We'd obviously offer very different advice in all of those situations. Please come back with examples if you want good advice. Everything else is just speculation/not going to help.