Mean girl behavior in 1st…. Tricky situation

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t tell her not to be friends with the girl, but I’d try to help her with strategies for when the girl is mean. I think kid friendships change a lot, and it’s better to learn to set your own boundaries and learn to navigate relationships with other people than it is to just quickly cut them off. So I would practice things like “I don’t want to play with you right now.” Or “it wasn’t nice what you said, so I’m going to go do my own thing.”

[Anonymous]

I would have to know what the mean girl behavior was before I could comment on how to handle the situation.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t say “mean girl.” Boys can be mean, too. It’s just mean kid. Your child is too young to navigate this on her own. You should absolutely bring it up with the other mom (and spouse, if applicable) and say that first grade is proving to be a lot for your kid, and she’s coming home upset about social interactions, and what is the other mom’s experience? It’s always better to pose things as questions. If she says she doesn’t know what you mean, you can say that your kid reported X and you didn’t understand what happened.

If you are present for any of these negative interactions, speak up in the moment. The other kid may stop if she knows you know what is happening. It’s quite possible that the other girl is being mean to your kid because she’s having her own stress. Kind of like picking on a younger sibling. You can ask questions with a friendly expression and a sense of curiosity. Just say you don’t understand.

-teacher

[Anonymous]

And absolutely role playing what to say to unkind people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From my experience, the mom is not going to be receptive to hearing that her DD is a mean girl. Have your DD focus on other friends and spend less time with next door neighbor. Do not make your child deal with nasty behavior just because you are friends with the mom. If the mom asks, just say that it seems like the girls aren't getting along well right now and could use some space from each other.

+1

excellent advice

[Anonymous]

Teacher:

Boys can be very mean, but they tend to be physical and it’s usually much easier for teachers and other adults to identify male bullies and correct their bad behavior appropriately.

With girls, teachers tend to have trouble pinpointing the bullying. Worse, the bullying tends to be excused as developmentally appropriate behavior when it absolutely is not. “It’s okay for Susie to say, such and such, she doesn’t know any better, she’ll grow out of it.” Blah, blah, blah.

(Meanwhile, it’s not like a 6 year old boy who bites or punches another kid because he wants to same toy isn’t going to grow out of it, too.)

Personally, I’d prefer a good physical fight to so much of the psychological warfare that girls tend to engage in.

[Anonymous]

I texted a mom and said my son needed a break from her kid and asked if larlo could stop sitting with my son on the bus for a while. She agreed. But he had a lot of already known issues. I think a parent would rather hear it from you than have you go to the teacher or principal. I know I would. Most cases the parents know already there are issues.

[Anonymous]

Invest in a fence and focus on new friendships.

In the spring you should email the school and ask that your daughter not be in the same class as the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teacher:

Boys can be very mean, but they tend to be physical and it’s usually much easier for teachers and other adults to identify male bullies and correct their bad behavior appropriately.

With girls, teachers tend to have trouble pinpointing the bullying. Worse, the bullying tends to be excused as developmentally appropriate behavior when it absolutely is not. “It’s okay for Susie to say, such and such, she doesn’t know any better, she’ll grow out of it.” Blah, blah, blah.

(Meanwhile, it’s not like a 6 year old boy who bites or punches another kid because he wants to same toy isn’t going to grow out of it, too.)

Personally, I’d prefer a good physical fight to so much of the psychological warfare that girls tend to engage in.

+1000

[Anonymous]

OP, give examples or move along. And until you give specific examples non one can help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PPs who are saying not to talk to the mom or assume everything your DD is saying is true.

I believe my kid! One came home saying things happened with an aide at school, so I talked to the teachers. At first they tried to deflect a bit, kids make stuff up, kids see things differently, etc. Luckily they had cameras and my kid was correct.

Not saying kids are 100% true all the time, but believe your kid that they are hurt. I would want to know if I was the other parent more so I could talk to my kid about it and see what happened.

I would just not spend time with the other child for awhile.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to be the voice of dissent here (if it’s more than just bratty kid behavior). We are in a similar situation, except the girls are older (5th grade) and the “friend” lives in a nearby neighborhood. And I’ll give examples: calling my DD fat to another friend (in front of DD); calling my older DD a loser because she still likes Minecraft in 7th grade; and the kicker: making fun of/mocking my son who is autistic.

After that last one I did contact the mom. We are not best friends, but good friends and she is very involved with the school so I see her often. I knew she would be upset if she knew her DD was saying things like this, but to be honest, I really wouldn’t care if the mom in question wasn’t open to hearing about it. These things need to be called out (especially body shaming and making fun of neurodivergent kids). I was not confrontational but I was honest.

I did also counsel my DD to stay away from the other girl, and she had already confronted her about what she said about her brother. I will say that I left it alone for them to work out up until the issue with my autistic son. If the little girl in question is doing something similar, I wouldn’t hesitate to let your friend know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to be the voice of dissent here (if it’s more than just bratty kid behavior). We are in a similar situation, except the girls are older (5th grade) and the “friend” lives in a nearby neighborhood. And I’ll give examples: calling my DD fat to another friend (in front of DD); calling my older DD a loser because she still likes Minecraft in 7th grade; and the kicker: making fun of/mocking my son who is autistic.

After that last one I did contact the mom. We are not best friends, but good friends and she is very involved with the school so I see her often. I knew she would be upset if she knew her DD was saying things like this, but to be honest, I really wouldn’t care if the mom in question wasn’t open to hearing about it. These things need to be called out (especially body shaming and making fun of neurodivergent kids). I was not confrontational but I was honest.

I did also counsel my DD to stay away from the other girl, and she had already confronted her about what she said about her brother. I will say that I left it alone for them to work out up until the issue with my autistic son. If the little girl in question is doing something similar, I wouldn’t hesitate to let your friend know.

I’m glad you contacted the mother, and I hope that things are better now.

Most of us are very anti-bullying, but we also know that the superficially “nicer” kid may or may not be the actual bully. OP told us… nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to be the voice of dissent here (if it’s more than just bratty kid behavior). We are in a similar situation, except the girls are older (5th grade) and the “friend” lives in a nearby neighborhood. And I’ll give examples: calling my DD fat to another friend (in front of DD); calling my older DD a loser because she still likes Minecraft in 7th grade; and the kicker: making fun of/mocking my son who is autistic.

After that last one I did contact the mom. We are not best friends, but good friends and she is very involved with the school so I see her often. I knew she would be upset if she knew her DD was saying things like this, but to be honest, I really wouldn’t care if the mom in question wasn’t open to hearing about it. These things need to be called out (especially body shaming and making fun of neurodivergent kids). I was not confrontational but I was honest.

I did also counsel my DD to stay away from the other girl, and she had already confronted her about what she said about her brother. I will say that I left it alone for them to work out up until the issue with my autistic son. If the little girl in question is doing something similar, I wouldn’t hesitate to let your friend know.

But we don’t know that OP’s “bully” said anything like that - it might just be that the girl wanted to play tag instead of family at recess all week. And the older age in your case makes it worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is experiencing regular mean girl behavior from one of her friends who is immature for a 6 year old in terms of social emotional development. She runs very hot and cold and is prone to saying mean things , for example the most recent was yesterday, where my daughter came home in tears from something nasty she said.

The tricky part is this girl is a next door neighbor, directly next door and they take the bus together morning and afternoon. On top of that her mom and I are friends.

In any other mean girl situation I would just tell my daughter not to be friends with this girl and to focus on the friends who are nice. But the neighbor dynamic makes this challenging especially when it comes to play dates we have at our house or at the neighbors house. Should I talk to her mom about it? Not sure what to do but I don’t want my daughter to continue to be the target of this behavior.

This is not at all "mean girl" behavior. It might be mean behavior from a girl, but it is very different from mean girl behavior, which almost always originates from girls that are more mature than their peers from a social emotional perspective, which allows them to be adept at manipulating. An immature girl blurting out mean comments obviously isn't nice, but it's a very different phenomenon and one the girl is much more likely to grow out of.