Mean girl behavior in 1st…. Tricky situation

[Anonymous]

DD is experiencing regular mean girl behavior from one of her friends who is immature for a 6 year old in terms of social emotional development. She runs very hot and cold and is prone to saying mean things , for example the most recent was yesterday, where my daughter came home in tears from something nasty she said.

The tricky part is this girl is a next door neighbor, directly next door and they take the bus together morning and afternoon. On top of that her mom and I are friends.

In any other mean girl situation I would just tell my daughter not to be friends with this girl and to focus on the friends who are nice. But the neighbor dynamic makes this challenging especially when it comes to play dates we have at our house or at the neighbors house. Should I talk to her mom about it? Not sure what to do but I don’t want my daughter to continue to be the target of this behavior.

[Anonymous]

From my experience, the mom is not going to be receptive to hearing that her DD is a mean girl. Have your DD focus on other friends and spend less time with next door neighbor. Do not make your child deal with nasty behavior just because you are friends with the mom. If the mom asks, just say that it seems like the girls aren't getting along well right now and could use some space from each other.

[Anonymous]

She can still ride the bus and not sit with the girl.

You can have other friends over and not invite the neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Agree, be friendly and polite to the mom, but make excuses on your daughter’s behalf about playdates. It’s possible the situation may improve, and then playdates can resume.

[Anonymous]

What is the mean behavior? What did she say, what does she do? She is 6 after all, she is learning. I have noticed parents in this board over scrutinize the behavior of other kids.

With that out of the way, what worked for my daughter at that age was to let the other kid know, in the moment and very firmly. "It is not OK for you to treat me this way, it is not OK for you to say this to me. I will go play with someone else etc.". It taught her and the other child boundaries. If this does not work than cool the relationship, it does not matter that you are neighbors.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the mom. Be careful with the wording though, so it doesn’t look like you’re putting all the blame on her kid…..

[Anonymous]

My best friend’s kid and my kid went through a phase of not getting along. It helped to just be honest with my friend without placing blame on either kid—e.g. “no idea what is going on, but hearing Karla and Larla argue is stressing me out. Let’s only hang out without them for a while. Hopefully, they’ll eventually get along better.

A few years have passed and now our kids get along great. We were able to have a sense of humor about the “phase of discontent.” It was a pain to avoid too much time hanging as a family, but we ended up grabbing drinks every other week with just us.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the poster who said she is 6 and to tread lightly and assume she is learning. 6 year olds can do really dumb things and not always intend to be mean, they need help to learn. Also remember that 6 year olds aren't always the best reporters so keep in mind that you don't know what may have happened before and after on your daughters end. I'm not saying give a pass to the mean behavior, it sounds like your daughter was upset. But remember that sometimes these situations can be more complex and it is really easy to assume our kid would never be a part of it.

We have a neighbor two doors down and have had to navigate some things like this when the kids weren't getting along that great. But it wasn't just one of the kids, both were kind of engaging from what I saw. I mentioned to the other mom that the kids had been like oil and water lately and we talked about things that might help them. Even though I thought her child was being kind of mean at times, I recognized it was a bigger thing in their relationship and not this kid being a mean kid. I talked to my own child about some strategies and both parents worked to give them a little space from each other in terms of hanging after school and stuff. Things got way better again after that.

I would give your daughter some tools to respond. And ask her how she wants to handle it. And if I could, I would bring it up to my friend in a way of like hey the girls seem to be getting into it recently, DC was crying the other day because maybe they were fighting and your DC may have said x. Have you heard anything?

Don't make it about just your daughter did x wrong or is a mean girl. That obviously will not go over well. Let's be real, no 1st grader is a mean girl so just stop there. They are little girls, who can be mean, because they hear big kids or whoever being mean and they are trying to figure it all out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend’s kid and my kid went through a phase of not getting along. It helped to just be honest with my friend without placing blame on either kid—e.g. “no idea what is going on, but hearing Karla and Larla argue is stressing me out. Let’s only hang out without them for a while. Hopefully, they’ll eventually get along better.

A few years have passed and now our kids get along great. We were able to have a sense of humor about the “phase of discontent.” It was a pain to avoid too much time hanging as a family, but we ended up grabbing drinks every other week with just us.

+1 this poster put it much better than I did, this is kind of the tone I took with our neighbor as well. Tried not to place blame and assumed it was kids being kids but also was like dang these kids are being tough on each other!! And like the pp said, for us it passed very quickly honestly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the mean behavior? What did she say, what does she do?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the poster who said she is 6 and to tread lightly and assume she is learning. 6 year olds can do really dumb things and not always intend to be mean, they need help to learn. Also remember that 6 year olds aren't always the best reporters so keep in mind that you don't know what may have happened before and after on your daughters end. I'm not saying give a pass to the mean behavior, it sounds like your daughter was upset. But remember that sometimes these situations can be more complex and it is really easy to assume our kid would never be a part of it.

We have a neighbor two doors down and have had to navigate some things like this when the kids weren't getting along that great. But it wasn't just one of the kids, both were kind of engaging from what I saw. I mentioned to the other mom that the kids had been like oil and water lately and we talked about things that might help them. Even though I thought her child was being kind of mean at times, I recognized it was a bigger thing in their relationship and not this kid being a mean kid. I talked to my own child about some strategies and both parents worked to give them a little space from each other in terms of hanging after school and stuff. Things got way better again after that.

I would give your daughter some tools to respond. And ask her how she wants to handle it. And if I could, I would bring it up to my friend in a way of like hey the girls seem to be getting into it recently, DC was crying the other day because maybe they were fighting and your DC may have said x. Have you heard anything?

Don't make it about just your daughter did x wrong or is a mean girl. That obviously will not go over well. Let's be real, no 1st grader is a mean girl so just stop there. They are little girls, who can be mean, because they hear big kids or whoever being mean and they are trying to figure it all out.

The bolded.

[Anonymous]

You don't approach the other mother about it. You use it as a teachable moment for your daughter. She will encounter means girls her whole life. They never go away. They will be at college, in the workplace, at your yoga class, and on and on and on. Women do not treat each other well most of the time. The only thing you can do it to decide how much of this nonsense you are willing to put up with, and to what degree you are willing to make it a big deal in your world.
I taught my daughters (now grown) that the best revenge with mean girls is being totally at peace with yourself. Happy. Centered. Able to stand alone when necessary, and be unflappable. It isn't "why are you doing this to me?" it's "why are you acting like that at all? What's wrong with you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't approach the other mother about it. You use it as a teachable moment for your daughter. She will encounter means girls her whole life. They never go away. They will be at college, in the workplace, at your yoga class, and on and on and on. Women do not treat each other well most of the time. The only thing you can do it to decide how much of this nonsense you are willing to put up with, and to what degree you are willing to make it a big deal in your world.
I taught my daughters (now grown) that the best revenge with mean girls is being totally at peace with yourself. Happy. Centered. Able to stand alone when necessary, and be unflappable. It isn't "why are you doing this to me?" it's "why are you acting like that at all? What's wrong with you?"

Labeling someone "the mean girl" or proclaiming "what's wrong with you" is very mean. It does not matter how you dress things up, the intent is to demean.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs who are saying not to talk to the mom or assume everything your DD is saying is true.

[Anonymous]

Don't approach the mother about it. We had a similar situation with the girl next door, though they didn't go to school together (city living!). Both of us moms noticed that the girls were fighting a lot and commented on the conflicts without blaming the other girl. For us, it was that both girls were leader personalities and wanted the other to follow their instructions, and at that moment just didn't have the maturity to compromise and resolve the conflict without fighting. They took a break from each other for a few months without either of us having to discuss it explicitly. Eventually they started asking to play together again, and are fine now. Next door neighbor friends, especially if they are in school together, are kind of like siblings in that conflicts will inevitably arise. The good thing with a neighbor is that they can take a break and give each other space to reset and maybe mature out of whatever was sparking the conflict. So take a break from the playdates, supervise the bus stop time, and encourage your daughter to give her friend space at school. My guess is that if they were friends before, it's just a rough patch and it will work itself out.