Living in the same house after divorce

[Anonymous]

We did it for two years. Our divorce papers came during COVID lockdown. The plan was for me to buy in spring 2020. I wasn't going anywhere with uncertainty with work and school. I moved in spring 2022.

It was fine. It was easier than being married because we were no longer married. We were living separate lives almost the entire marriage. We were sexless 7 out of 10 years total.

We never brought anyone to the house. I don't know what he did. He did not know what I did.

It has now been almost 20 months since I bought a house. Two houses is not working. It is too difficult with demanding jobs and kid activities. We have 10 years left of coparenting. We are now considering nesting for 3 years and then revisiting separate houses again.

We divorced due to many reasons: no shared goals, financial abuse, emotional abuse, total incompatability. But we are both logical people, there is no family nearby and we have to raise these kids. I won't speak to him after they go to college. Until then, I have to deal. We think nesting will be better for everyone. We think we will speak less. We have to talk more now divorced than when we were married due to kid logistics. Kids in one house and us rotating will be easier for us. We would not know this until we had separate houses, which we do now. Kid logistics are easier when kids are in one house and even easier when parents are in both houses.

I think your situation can work if you are like me and my ex.

We did not have issues living in the same house divorced. I could not be married to the guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a NYT article about it. I think it’s doable. Parenting kids in two different houses is a logistical nightmare.

Anyway, you can always wait and see how you feel in a year or two.

From personal experience- not a logistical nightmare. Actually much smoother than when married, honestly, since schedule / costs etc are part of enforceable contract

I disagree. I am divorced and two houses are a logistical nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There was a NYT article about it. I think it’s doable. Parenting kids in two different houses is a logistical nightmare.

Anyway, you can always wait and see how you feel in a year or two.

From personal experience- not a logistical nightmare. Actually much smoother than when married, honestly, since schedule / costs etc are part of enforceable contract

Ok - point is, there is no one “right” way or one experience.

I disagree. I am divorced and two houses are a logistical nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did it for two years. Our divorce papers came during COVID lockdown. The plan was for me to buy in spring 2020. I wasn't going anywhere with uncertainty with work and school. I moved in spring 2022.

It was fine. It was easier than being married because we were no longer married. We were living separate lives almost the entire marriage. We were sexless 7 out of 10 years total.

We never brought anyone to the house. I don't know what he did. He did not know what I did.

It has now been almost 20 months since I bought a house. Two houses is not working. It is too difficult with demanding jobs and kid activities. We have 10 years left of coparenting. We are now considering nesting for 3 years and then revisiting separate houses again.

We divorced due to many reasons: no shared goals, financial abuse, emotional abuse, total incompatability. But we are both logical people, there is no family nearby and we have to raise these kids. I won't speak to him after they go to college. Until then, I have to deal. We think nesting will be better for everyone. We think we will speak less. We have to talk more now divorced than when we were married due to kid logistics. Kids in one house and us rotating will be easier for us. We would not know this until we had separate houses, which we do now. Kid logistics are easier when kids are in one house and even easier when parents are in both houses.

I think your situation can work if you are like me and my ex.

We did not have issues living in the same house divorced. I could not be married to the guy.

Curious - how did the financial abuse shift after divorce but still sharing household finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

You can't rent a one bedroom nearby and do a birdnesting divorce? Seven years, lol.

Nesting is annoying and we haven't even been doing it for a year.

I cannot imagine committing to seven years of it.

It's good for kids though. Shuttling back and forth has a lot of downsides that they are even less equipped to cope with and 2 households drain a lot of funds.

[Anonymous]

My high school pre-calc teacher did this and had been doing it for years. I remember being startled to hear about it as a high school kid but also impressed as a kid of separated parents. Staying in the same house makes a lot of sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did it for two years. Our divorce papers came during COVID lockdown. The plan was for me to buy in spring 2020. I wasn't going anywhere with uncertainty with work and school. I moved in spring 2022.

It was fine. It was easier than being married because we were no longer married. We were living separate lives almost the entire marriage. We were sexless 7 out of 10 years total.

We never brought anyone to the house. I don't know what he did. He did not know what I did.

It has now been almost 20 months since I bought a house. Two houses is not working. It is too difficult with demanding jobs and kid activities. We have 10 years left of coparenting. We are now considering nesting for 3 years and then revisiting separate houses again.

We divorced due to many reasons: no shared goals, financial abuse, emotional abuse, total incompatability. But we are both logical people, there is no family nearby and we have to raise these kids. I won't speak to him after they go to college. Until then, I have to deal. We think nesting will be better for everyone. We think we will speak less. We have to talk more now divorced than when we were married due to kid logistics. Kids in one house and us rotating will be easier for us. We would not know this until we had separate houses, which we do now. Kid logistics are easier when kids are in one house and even easier when parents are in both houses.

I think your situation can work if you are like me and my ex.

We did not have issues living in the same house divorced. I could not be married to the guy.

Curious - how did the financial abuse shift after divorce but still sharing household finances?

He could not tell me how to spend my own money anymore. We were divorced. My money no longer went into joint accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

You can't rent a one bedroom nearby and do a birdnesting divorce? Seven years, lol.

Nesting is annoying and we haven't even been doing it for a year.

I cannot imagine committing to seven years of it.

It's good for kids though. Shuttling back and forth has a lot of downsides that they are even less equipped to cope with and 2 households drain a lot of funds.

Yup. Doing it for them. We know we can roll with it better than they can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

You can't rent a one bedroom nearby and do a birdnesting divorce? Seven years, lol.

Nesting is annoying and we haven't even been doing it for a year.

I cannot imagine committing to seven years of it.

It's good for kids though. Shuttling back and forth has a lot of downsides that they are even less equipped to cope with and 2 households drain a lot of funds.

Yup. Doing it for them. We know we can roll with it better than they can.

I am the poster who said we did the living in the house after divorce for two years. Ironically, our kids both really like having two houses and ask the parents are the ones who mind the switching back-and-forth. They actually like having two houses. We don’t like switching their stuff because they like to move more stuff than most parents would let them move. It’s ironic that we thought it would bother them but it doesn’t bother them at all but it really does bother us—the parents. It would just be easier off all their stuff was in one place and they’re routines were the same.

[Anonymous]

As a divorced person, the only way living in one house would have worked was if the house had a way to have separate areas, like an in law suite.

We live in our own homes (well, I rent one) very close by, which helps a lot I think. Our dc aren't 'shuttled' around and with dropoff/pickup schedules and work, we both see them most days. It's actually working well for all of us.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on your relationship. Friends of mine tried this (man moved into the basement that had its own bedroom bathroom and lounge) but there was still a lot of animosity and resentment and so there was tension in the house. Not a great way for anyone to live. You still see each other and you are still living with someone who has all the same habits and character traits you don't like.

I would commit to one year with no expectation of extending. See where you at then. That gives you time to adjust and get through the divorce.

[Anonymous]

As long as both are not the jealous type it will work. Some people even after getting divorced will still be jealous if their ex starts dating someone new.

[Anonymous]

if you're fine staying in the same house for that long why don't you just wait to get divorced until the kids leave? as others have mentioned, dating will be difficult in this situation so I'd either do it now and rip the bandaid or wait but living under the same roof while divorced for years doesn't seem like a good idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is some terrible relationship modeling you are doing for your children.

What would be better?

Separate lives and separate spaces

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That is some terrible relationship modeling you are doing for your children.

What would be better?

Separate lives and separate spaces

Why is this universally true? It often is. Often divorced people are kinder and more polite to each other when they each have plenty of their own time and space. But if both people don't need that and both people can still model decency, what is the issue?