Living in the same house after divorce

[Anonymous]

We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

[Anonymous]

My reaction is, I have dated plenty of divorced dads, and there is no way in hell I would date a man with that set up.

[Anonymous]

You should do what feels right for you. My only advice would be to take it more day by day, or at least month by month.

[Anonymous]

Why are you divorcing? Only you know what works best for you, but this seems like a way to remain married / enmeshed / etc. are there behavioral / relationship patterns and dynamics that led to the divorce that you think will change because of a legal divorce? Resentments? Ways of treating each other?

Are you adhering to a strict custody schedule? Or is this something you’ll have to negotiate every day? Like - oh, I’d it ok if I go out on Tuesday?

I’m divorced, and actively co-parenting 2 kids. Lots of communication with XH. I cannot imsgine being divorced and still having to negotiate / co-manage household duties, schedules / free time etc. I also think it may be confusing for kids - but your situation may be different. Your kids (and X) are going to notice when you’re gone for an overnight, eg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My reaction is, I have dated plenty of divorced dads, and there is no way in hell I would date a man with that set up.

Maybe you should stop being so damned slutty.

What the h? What do you know of my dating life? Just because I have dated or gone on a date with a guy doesn't mean I had sex with them.

And even if I had, stop shaming.

[Anonymous]

So what happens when your wife wants to spend the night at Bobby’s house all week and get busted wide open? You are ok with this? You mean to tell me that she will hide her life from her new man for 7 years?!? You are delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

I actually applaud y'all for being mature, civil and practical for your children's sake. That's the least you can do to keep their world intact.

[Anonymous]

Pipe dream that you’re planning for separate ways in 7 years. You won’t make it 2 years.

[Anonymous]

The only way this makes any sense to me is if one of the partners has realized they are gay or trans or something similar (i.e. the possibility for attraction has fundamentally changed and been eliminated for both parties). This way, you get to live together as friends (but in the case, you should be able to introduce your partners to each other).

Otherwise, you're either essentially married or eternally miserable.

Can you do the nesting model where you get a cheap studio and swap out?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like fear of actually moving on to a real divorce. If you do this, I hope you guys get counseling so you can try to devise a workable plan for the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like fear of actually moving on to a real divorce. If you do this, I hope you guys get counseling so you can try to devise a workable plan for the sake of your kids.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My reaction is, I have dated plenty of divorced dads, and there is no way in hell I would date a man with that set up.

Maybe you should stop being so damned slutty.

What the h? What do you know of my dating life? Just because I have dated or gone on a date with a guy doesn't mean I had sex with them.

And even if I had, stop shaming.

What I know about your dating life is what you just told me: you date “lots of divorced men.” You clearly get around. It’s funny how you say you’d never want one in OP’s situation, but apparently you can’t find one in ANY situation that you’re happy with. Or maybe you should look in the mirror?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

I am in the same situation as you, OP. I have a little over 7 years to go too. We have two kids. I sleep upstairs; he sleeps downstairs. Kids know we now have a roommate but co-parent relationship. We don't do things as a family of four anymore except movies once in awhile at home and dinner most nights at home. Most people think I am crazy to do this. But I don't want to have only 50% custody. I am indifferent to him, truly. I wish we could connect and support each other through this!

[Anonymous]

There was a NYT article about it. I think it’s doable. Parenting kids in two different houses is a logistical nightmare.

Anyway, you can always wait and see how you feel in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are filling for divorce and it will be amicable. However for financial reasons and for our kids as well we have decided to still live in the same house. I will be sleeping in a room downstairs and DW in a room upstairs. And we further both agree we will have separate lives outside the home and will not introduce our new partners to our kids. Our kids turn 18 in 7 years and at that point we have decided that we will sell the house and go our separate ways.

I know this is a very unusual arrangement and want to hears folks’ experience, knowledge, opinion about such an arrangement.

So when you want to get laid you can’t do it in your own home? That is always going to be a red flag to a future partner. So be prepared to be incel.

You intend to sell the child’s home when s/he goes to college? You might want to rethink that. They come home for breaks, you know.

I say rip off the Bandaid.