How to strengthen bond b/w two siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you have been good parents and raised them with love and with fairness that both children feel and acknowledge. Hopefully, both kids gre up feeling loved and heard.

The biggest reason for sibling estrangement happens when they feel that their parents do not treat them equally. This is especially true for inheritance. Inheritance should always be equal, regardless of if the parents have helped one sibling more through money or labor during their lifetime. Sibling don't share the same fortune in life. One is richer, healthier, more independent, more successful etc. Inevitably, parents help and support one kid more. That is their prerogative. But, in death - distribute the wealth equally.

Have a family group chat and maybe do one group call every eek. Remind each other of birthdays and milestones. Plan family vacations. share family history etc. There are many ays to make the bonds stronger. Don't judge their partners. Love beget love.

How does that exactly work in the equality equation?

Dead parents should leave equal amounts to all kids. The final act.

[Anonymous]

One DD and one DS is the hardest sibling relationship to maintain from what I’ve seen OP, especially after they’re married. It doesn’t surprise me at all that they’re drifting apart, especially if they’re married. My brother and I were extremely close but now in middle age we really don’t have any relationship to speak of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set up a family group chat for low-key small talk, sharing news and jokes and puzzles.

Only do this if they want it. Do not push. It has to be organic. If they want to be in touch they will be. The last thing they need is mommy facilitating the whole thing.

They can choose whether to reply to the group or privately.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t really know how close they are. My brother and I look like you are describing on the surface—super different people/personalities/interests, live apart, rarely in touch—but we are close in our own way and always have each other’s backs. When I had a health scare he offered and lent me money to cover extra expenses (and my mom never knew any of it because she is high anxiety so I didn’t tell her). When his son was born while he was deployed, I arranged to be there with SIL for the birth. We don’t talk often but our love is deep and real. Most of our communication is over text. And NOT the family group chat, where we have to watch our language and otherwise “behave ourselves” in front of our mom.

And if you have been reading the thread and beating yourself up for all your parental failings, know that our parents absolutely favored one of us and tried to micromanage our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you have been good parents and raised them with love and with fairness that both children feel and acknowledge. Hopefully, both kids gre up feeling loved and heard.

The biggest reason for sibling estrangement happens when they feel that their parents do not treat them equally. This is especially true for inheritance. Inheritance should always be equal, regardless of if the parents have helped one sibling more through money or labor during their lifetime. Sibling don't share the same fortune in life. One is richer, healthier, more independent, more successful etc. Inevitably, parents help and support one kid more. That is their prerogative. But, in death - distribute the wealth equally.

Have a family group chat and maybe do one group call every eek. Remind each other of birthdays and milestones. Plan family vacations. share family history etc. There are many ays to make the bonds stronger. Don't judge their partners. Love beget love.

How does that exactly work in the equality equation?

Dead parents should leave equal amounts to all kids. The final act.

Dead parents are dead, and they should do whatever they want, but being equal means in aggregate terms, you treat your children equally. I’d be pretty disappointed if my parents gave my sibling/s throughout life, and didn’t give me, and then shared what was left equally. Of course, depending on the exact amounts it may not be a problem, but if I end up with half of what others got, because the others “needed” while parents were alive, I would definitely feel not treated equally.

Money is good at anytime for anyone, unless your wealth is way way bigger than what your parents distributed unevenly. Even if you are that much richer than your parents, getting treated equally is an emotional need.

Again, you must have been milking your parents through life, and now want to make sure you can milk them some more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you have been good parents and raised them with love and with fairness that both children feel and acknowledge. Hopefully, both kids gre up feeling loved and heard.

The biggest reason for sibling estrangement happens when they feel that their parents do not treat them equally. This is especially true for inheritance. Inheritance should always be equal, regardless of if the parents have helped one sibling more through money or labor during their lifetime. Sibling don't share the same fortune in life. One is richer, healthier, more independent, more successful etc. Inevitably, parents help and support one kid more. That is their prerogative. But, in death - distribute the wealth equally.

Have a family group chat and maybe do one group call every eek. Remind each other of birthdays and milestones. Plan family vacations. share family history etc. There are many ays to make the bonds stronger. Don't judge their partners. Love beget love.

How does that exactly work in the equality equation?

Dead parents should leave equal amounts to all kids. The final act.

Dead parents are dead, and they should do whatever they want, but being equal means in aggregate terms, you treat your children equally. I’d be pretty disappointed if my parents gave my sibling/s throughout life, and didn’t give me, and then shared what was left equally. Of course, depending on the exact amounts it may not be a problem, but if I end up with half of what others got, because the others “needed” while parents were alive, I would definitely feel not treated equally.

Money is good at anytime for anyone, unless your wealth is way way bigger than what your parents distributed unevenly. Even if you are that much richer than your parents, getting treated equally is an emotional need.

Again, you must have been milking your parents through life, and now want to make sure you can milk them some more.

Yeah, I call BS on parents must leave money evenly split regardless of the support they've provided. I have 2 siblings. One has no kids and works very hard. I never begrudge my parents giving her a dime. On the other hand, I have a sister who is married with 2 kids, she and my BIL constantly have their hands out while taking expensive vacations, buying motorcycles, etc. They have saved 0 money for their kids to go to college and I know my parents will step in. And that is fine by me, really, if that's how my parents choose to support them. But I don't take a dime from them ever so it would be super "unfair" to me and my single sister if our other sister were to get an equal share of the inheritance after receiving college tuition for two kids.

That said, I know my dad well enough to know that if he does end up paying for her kids to go to college he will tell us all in advance and make changes to his will to reflect it. So I think it's all in how the parents handle it while they're still alive. If my sister felt it was unfair that my parents paid for her kids to go to college AND she didn't get a third of the inheritance - that's an entitlement issue.

[Anonymous]

I have two sisters. One I get along enough with and one I despise. And it’s not because my parents treated us differently. Our father treated us all the same, like crap. Our mother was fairly even. The sister I despise is because of her personality. Plain and simple. She’s overly competitive, judgmental mainly because of her insecurities, passive aggressive with backhanded comments and questions, gossip like it’s no one’s business, bossy, and cannot accept when someone (me) does not want to be around her and just keeps trying to force it. Although her latest husband I think has a hand in taming her bs. I have absolutely grown to hate those family group texts so I no longer participate in that weird sh*t. So no, it’s not always a parent’s fault why siblings aren’t close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you have been good parents and raised them with love and with fairness that both children feel and acknowledge. Hopefully, both kids gre up feeling loved and heard.

The biggest reason for sibling estrangement happens when they feel that their parents do not treat them equally. This is especially true for inheritance. Inheritance should always be equal, regardless of if the parents have helped one sibling more through money or labor during their lifetime. Sibling don't share the same fortune in life. One is richer, healthier, more independent, more successful etc. Inevitably, parents help and support one kid more. That is their prerogative. But, in death - distribute the wealth equally.

Have a family group chat and maybe do one group call every eek. Remind each other of birthdays and milestones. Plan family vacations. share family history etc. There are many ays to make the bonds stronger. Don't judge their partners. Love beget love.

How does that exactly work in the equality equation?

Dead parents should leave equal amounts to all kids. The final act.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they haven't bonded yet, they aren't going to and your parenting probably played a big role. I almost never see my sibling. No interest. They aren't nice to me and even worse when they are with our parents.

+1

Same with DH. Narcissistic SIL and MIL are practically twins, joined at the hip (ie: codependent) and don't think or want to include anyone else, least of all DH and my kids. MIL plays favorites, and guess who is whom? Consequently, SILs kids can do no wrong, and our kids have caught on, all by themselves, without DH or I saying one word. MILs superpower is the ability to "split" her offspring, and play favorites. Good times. I don't think the offspring will ever care much for each other, and certainly not be close, even after (if??) MIL passes. I think the damage is done.

The best you can do is not play favorites, OP.

+1 if your adult children don’t get along or have much of a relationship at all, it’s likely because you favored one over the others during their childhoods and probably still do. Naturally occurring personality differences among siblings can only explain so much.

or you watched and did nothing as one kid abused the other. I know lots of people who grew up in families where the parents just assumed the kids would fight and looked the other way. I insisted my kids be polite to one another. If they had a bad fight, we didn't gaslight them or pretend it didn't happen. They are grown now and are very close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they haven't bonded yet, they aren't going to and your parenting probably played a big role. I almost never see my sibling. No interest. They aren't nice to me and even worse when they are with our parents.

+1

Same with DH. Narcissistic SIL and MIL are practically twins, joined at the hip (ie: codependent) and don't think or want to include anyone else, least of all DH and my kids. MIL plays favorites, and guess who is whom? Consequently, SILs kids can do no wrong, and our kids have caught on, all by themselves, without DH or I saying one word. MILs superpower is the ability to "split" her offspring, and play favorites. Good times. I don't think the offspring will ever care much for each other, and certainly not be close, even after (if??) MIL passes. I think the damage is done.

The best you can do is not play favorites, OP.

+1 if your adult children don’t get along or have much of a relationship at all, it’s likely because you favored one over the others during their childhoods and probably still do. Naturally occurring personality differences among siblings can only explain so much.

or you watched and did nothing as one kid abused the other. I know lots of people who grew up in families where the parents just assumed the kids would fight and looked the other way. I insisted my kids be polite to one another. If they had a bad fight, we didn't gaslight them or pretend it didn't happen. They are grown now and are very close.

Or they just have different personalities and nothing in common.

[Anonymous]

I love my brother totally, but we rarely see one another and seldom talk or text. If he needed me, I'd be there.

Stay out of their relationship with one another, please.

[Anonymous]

My advice would be to make it easy for them to spend time together. If you can afford to help them visit each other (and they want to) help make that happen. Help pay for plane tickets home at the same time. But no guilt trips or big talks about how they should be close.