How to strengthen bond b/w two siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s anything you can do. DH and his brother are polar opposites and always have been and they’re the two closest in age among their siblings. They’re cordial when they see each other and would be there if someone was in need. But they don’t regularly talk to one another and neither would schedule time together independent of a family function. No animosity, just different people. DH has sisters he’s close to as they have common interests and similar personalities.

+1 Just like you can’t force a friendship between any two random people if there’s not much there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Besides modeling for them all their lives that family is important, and that you treat your own siblings with love and care, there's nothing else for you to do.

Relationship has to be organic to be authentic. Just don't get in their way in how they connect with each other, even if their way of connecting is not what you'd prefer.

Your post could have described my brother and I. Yet we're very close, despite my mom playing favorites and spending many years badmouthing my brother to me.

My DH and his sister are in the same scenario. They are night and day different people and not organically close. My SIL makes very little effort to see us or engage with us/the kids when we are together. I know she considers her brother the "golden child" but my in-laws are humble, blue-collar people and do not harp on my husband's success.

What my in-laws do do to try to facilitate a relationship is invite her to everything we're at, but 90% of the time she begs off.

Fascinating. Two paragraphs and I already see that you’re demonizing her and that your husband is successful. Maybe the parents aren’t the only reason she stays away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Offer to always pay if they can travel to see one another. Without you. They need to bond without parents.

Still manipulation. The families who do this sort of thing are the ones who if things still don't work out will say "After I PAID for all those vacations, the least you can do is be friends with your brother!" I can tell you endless "what NOT to dos" but there is nothing you can actively do to force a friendship. Here are some what not to do some of which have been mentioned...

1.) Don't ever bad mouth one of them to to the other or vent. Also don't gush about one to the other either because it may be seen as comparison. You want them to naturally be happy for eachother and that doesn't come from mommy using quality time to sing the praises of the sibling who isn't there. When you are with one of your adult kids focus on that adult kid and be in the moment-no gossip, no bragging no bashing.

2.) Don't compare them to eachtother.

3.) No guilt trips about how "your sister is someone who share a special history with and my dying wish is for you to always be there for eachother." It's not about you and you need to respect their ability to make decisions as adults.

I did come up with one "to do"

1.) If this upsets you, get therapy. There may be some underlying dynamics you are sweeping under the rug or it may just be difference of personalities. regardless, you have to learn to accept things as they are and not try to control things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Besides modeling for them all their lives that family is important, and that you treat your own siblings with love and care, there's nothing else for you to do.

Relationship has to be organic to be authentic. Just don't get in their way in how they connect with each other, even if their way of connecting is not what you'd prefer.

Your post could have described my brother and I. Yet we're very close, despite my mom playing favorites and spending many years badmouthing my brother to me.

Your last sentence alone is such a good guide here for any sibling in any circumstance. Kudos to you for not running with your mom playing favorites and kudos to your brother for not taking the bait.

[Anonymous]

What relationship with your siblings did you model for your children? I think the time for strengthening the bond is when they were still on the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What relationship with your siblings did you model for your children? I think the time for strengthening the bond is when they were still on the house.

I've posted before, but that is key. While they are still under 18 a parent can make sure they don't play favorites, intervene is conflict goes beyond typical sibling stuff, get professional help if a sibling is displaying concerning behavior, etc. That does not guarantee a relationship, but it helps if one if meant to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hopefully you have been good parents and raised them with love and with fairness that both children feel and acknowledge. Hopefully, both kids gre up feeling loved and heard.

The biggest reason for sibling estrangement happens when they feel that their parents do not treat them equally. This is especially true for inheritance. Inheritance should always be equal, regardless of if the parents have helped one sibling more through money or labor during their lifetime. Sibling don't share the same fortune in life. One is richer, healthier, more independent, more successful etc. Inevitably, parents help and support one kid more. That is their prerogative. But, in death - distribute the wealth equally.

Have a family group chat and maybe do one group call every eek. Remind each other of birthdays and milestones. Plan family vacations. share family history etc. There are many ays to make the bonds stronger. Don't judge their partners. Love beget love.

How does that exactly work in the equality equation?

[Anonymous]

^ ps. You must be the one who has gotten all the favors, more than your siblings due to your ‘individual’ circumstances, and now want equality. Lol.

So in death specifically you want equality, but throughout life it’s circumstantial. 😂😂

[Anonymous]

My two adult kids are way past college age and have had a relationship that varies between close and a little distant depending on each's life circumstances re location, job, relationships, etc. They are five years apart and a male and female so those factors can be part of having less in common than some other siblings.

For the past few years the three of us have had regular video chat calls, at least once a month and sometimes more often, usually on a Sunday evening or whenever works for all of us. I think this has kept all of us more tuned in to each other, more aware of what is going on in each other's lives, and has facilitated the easy, comfortable chats we have when together to also occur when we are apart. Sometimes we include my exH but not always. It's a different conversation when he participates, not really bad but not the same either.

I'm thankful to the pandemic for introducing the option of group video calls being an easy, regular thing to my family, also my friend groups. I don't think that would have happened without covid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What relationship with your siblings did you model for your children? I think the time for strengthening the bond is when they were still on the house.

Eh. Maybe the parents are only children. My mother was an only child and my brother was her favorite. And yet, he and I are close despite her, not at all because of her.

[Anonymous]

If they haven't bonded yet, they aren't going to and your parenting probably played a big role. I almost never see my sibling. No interest. They aren't nice to me and even worse when they are with our parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If they haven't bonded yet, they aren't going to and your parenting probably played a big role. I almost never see my sibling. No interest. They aren't nice to me and even worse when they are with our parents.

+1

Same with DH. Narcissistic SIL and MIL are practically twins, joined at the hip (ie: codependent) and don't think or want to include anyone else, least of all DH and my kids. MIL plays favorites, and guess who is whom? Consequently, SILs kids can do no wrong, and our kids have caught on, all by themselves, without DH or I saying one word. MILs superpower is the ability to "split" her offspring, and play favorites. Good times. I don't think the offspring will ever care much for each other, and certainly not be close, even after (if??) MIL passes. I think the damage is done.

The best you can do is not play favorites, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If they haven't bonded yet, they aren't going to and your parenting probably played a big role. I almost never see my sibling. No interest. They aren't nice to me and even worse when they are with our parents.

+1

Same with DH. Narcissistic SIL and MIL are practically twins, joined at the hip (ie: codependent) and don't think or want to include anyone else, least of all DH and my kids. MIL plays favorites, and guess who is whom? Consequently, SILs kids can do no wrong, and our kids have caught on, all by themselves, without DH or I saying one word. MILs superpower is the ability to "split" her offspring, and play favorites. Good times. I don't think the offspring will ever care much for each other, and certainly not be close, even after (if??) MIL passes. I think the damage is done.

The best you can do is not play favorites, OP.

+1 if your adult children don’t get along or have much of a relationship at all, it’s likely because you favored one over the others during their childhoods and probably still do. Naturally occurring personality differences among siblings can only explain so much.

[Anonymous]

Set up a family group chat for low-key small talk, sharing news and jokes and puzzles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set up a family group chat for low-key small talk, sharing news and jokes and puzzles.

Only do this if they want it. Do not push. It has to be organic. If they want to be in touch they will be. The last thing they need is mommy facilitating the whole thing.