DS (17) Smoking in house again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*I meant me and my siblings smoked lots of pot

Not my dad 22-44

Eh. If you and all of your siblings smoked pot, it’s probably cause some things weren’t quite right at home. Maybe you just want to believe your dad was a great dad, but an objective analysis of your home life might reveal otherwise.

It’s not too late for therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*I meant me and my siblings smoked lots of pot

Not my dad 22-44

Eh. If you and all of your siblings smoked pot, it’s probably cause some things weren’t quite right at home. Maybe you just want to believe your dad was a great dad, but an objective analysis of your home life might reveal otherwise.

It’s not too late for therapy.

This is such an example of just world fallacy.

[Anonymous]

Turn off WiFi, shut down his phone, don't give him money for extras. He can get a job and pay for his own phone. The whole "yay marijuana is legal" adult crowd doesn't realize how bad this will be for the young generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started drug testing my son after the first time. Any positive test resulted in loss of phone and Internet plus grounding. He never did it again.

This is a good idea.

OP, I'm struggling with the weed this summer, too. My son is 16. But not in the house. The worst I have caught here is vapes and they don't smell as badly. If I caught him smoking weed in the house, he'd be helping me the next day scrubbing down the room and airing it out. Laundry, wiping down walls, shampooing carpet. Because he HATES this type of housework.

We won't be able to control it 100%, but we can make it clear it's not acceptable in our homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

Maybe your son's father wasn't a good father? I don't the details of your family dynamic, but the data on good fathers deterring kids from using drugs and engaging in other high-risk adolescent behavior is out there for you to peruse, if you'd like to educate yourself. Otherwise, you can keep spinning the story in your head that makes you feel better about yourself.

My dad was a great dad

We smoked tons of pot - because pot is amazing

My dad is super great dad tho

Anything I wish my dad would’ve done differnt wasn’t in his control

I’m a way worse parent than him

Ok? So you’re the exception to the rule? Good for you for being such a “rebel” I guess. Hope you feel special.

How are they an exception when they are admittedly not a great parent? It all kind of goes together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

Maybe your son's father wasn't a good father? I don't the details of your family dynamic, but the data on good fathers deterring kids from using drugs and engaging in other high-risk adolescent behavior is out there for you to peruse, if you'd like to educate yourself. Otherwise, you can keep spinning the story in your head that makes you feel better about yourself.

My dad was a great dad

We smoked tons of pot - because pot is amazing

My dad is super great dad tho

Anything I wish my dad would’ve done differnt wasn’t in his control

I’m a way worse parent than him

Ok? So you’re the exception to the rule? Good for you for being such a “rebel” I guess. Hope you feel special.

How are they an exception when they are admittedly not a great parent? It all kind of goes together.

True.

I was just trying to give the poster the validation they were so desperately seeking so they can move on. But yeah, she’s telling in herself and doesn’t even know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

How is this a helpful comment? News flash- if the father isn’t around, it’s probably because he chose not to be. Many men do this, even after marrying a woman and having a kid.

It's relevant and was asked because active and present fathers are the best deterrents to high-risk adolescent behavior.

Read the research: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7037335/#:~:text=Paternal%20involvement%20in%20the%20early,likelihood%20of%20adolescent%20risk%20behaviors

Paternal involvement in the early childhood years is associated with positive child developmental and psychological outcomes over time, while, during adolescence, several recent national longitudinal studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of adolescent risk behaviors [4,5] and predicts less adolescent depressive symptoms for both genders [6].

Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood.

SOURCE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger

Father involvement during their children’s adolescence can be significant and formative. Several large-scale studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of risk behaviors in adolescence, if the quality of the parent-child relationship is strong. In one such study, a positive father-child relationship was shown to predict a reduced engagement in risky behaviors by adolescents (Bronte-Tinkew et al. 2006). This proved to be more significant for male adolescents, suggesting that positive father-son relationships are important for mitigating risk behavior in adolescence. Studies also showed that adolescents whose nonresident fathers were involved in their lives have been shown to be less likely to begin smoking regularly (Menning 2006). These findings suggest that strong father-child relationships can have a significant positive influence on adolescents.

SOURCE: https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-75645-1_2

How is it relevant? What’s the OP going to do? It’s just an excuse for DCUM to pile on an OP who is doing her best.

Do you suggest she try to get back together with the father, who obviously abandoned his kid, so that there is a father present? No. Then it’s not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

How is this a helpful comment? News flash- if the father isn’t around, it’s probably because he chose not to be. Many men do this, even after marrying a woman and having a kid.

It's relevant and was asked because active and present fathers are the best deterrents to high-risk adolescent behavior.

Read the research: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7037335/#:~:text=Paternal%20involvement%20in%20the%20early,likelihood%20of%20adolescent%20risk%20behaviors

Paternal involvement in the early childhood years is associated with positive child developmental and psychological outcomes over time, while, during adolescence, several recent national longitudinal studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of adolescent risk behaviors [4,5] and predicts less adolescent depressive symptoms for both genders [6].

Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood.

SOURCE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger

Father involvement during their children’s adolescence can be significant and formative. Several large-scale studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of risk behaviors in adolescence, if the quality of the parent-child relationship is strong. In one such study, a positive father-child relationship was shown to predict a reduced engagement in risky behaviors by adolescents (Bronte-Tinkew et al. 2006). This proved to be more significant for male adolescents, suggesting that positive father-son relationships are important for mitigating risk behavior in adolescence. Studies also showed that adolescents whose nonresident fathers were involved in their lives have been shown to be less likely to begin smoking regularly (Menning 2006). These findings suggest that strong father-child relationships can have a significant positive influence on adolescents.

SOURCE: https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-75645-1_2

How is it relevant? What’s the OP going to do? It’s just an excuse for DCUM to pile on an OP who is doing her best.

Do you suggest she try to get back together with the father, who obviously abandoned his kid, so that there is a father present? No. Then it’s not relevant.

I did not know if the father was or was not involved, hence why I asked where he was. I asked because if he was around but not involved, then she needed to bring him in ASAP as fathers are vital to curbing high-risk behavior in adolescence, as the research shows.

That’s it. No malice behind the question. Seems like you have some hangouts though about absent fathers that you need to address though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I started drug testing my son after the first time. Any positive test resulted in loss of phone and Internet plus grounding. He never did it again.

This is a good idea.

OP, I'm struggling with the weed this summer, too. My son is 16. But not in the house. The worst I have caught here is vapes and they don't smell as badly. If I caught him smoking weed in the house, he'd be helping me the next day scrubbing down the room and airing it out. Laundry, wiping down walls, shampooing carpet. Because he HATES this type of housework.

We won't be able to control it 100%, but we can make it clear it's not acceptable in our homes.

Drug test him every two weeks. Put it on the calendar. You'll get a positive test now and for the next test or two even if he stops completely. So 2-3 positive tests means a good amount of time grounded with no phone/Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few nights ago I came home, and the house reeked of pot. Literally everywhere. I went up to his room, and he was with his friend, out of their minds.

This is the third time in the past 9ish months that I've caught DS and his friend smoking, and the second time it's been in the house. Before that, I had this issue a couple of times about a year ago with just my DS.

I'm not sure what to do. I sent his friend home because he was going to stay over and tried to talk to DS again. Should I just let this go? DS has one year left until college, but its not a path I want DS going down. His family has a history of addiction and other issues, so this is something I think needs to stop.

Looking for advice, thanks.

To start, that friend would not be allowed in my home EVER AGAIN. Set house rules, NO DRUGS in the house! No POTHEADS in the house.

Take away phone, car, money, etc. Search his room and throw away the drugs. I'm sure he has some. Set expectations and follow through. Why let it go? He's only 17 and College is not for another year.

Why turn the blind eye now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

+1.

You don't need a father/man to set house rules.

You don't need a father/man to set expectations for your kids.

You don't need a father/man for your kids to respect you.

I'm happily married, but I sure don't need my husband to set the house rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

+1.

You don't need a father/man to set house rules.

You don't need a father/man to set expectations for your kids.

You don't need a father/man for your kids to respect you.

I'm happily married, but I sure don't need my husband to set the house rules.

That's nice. But that's not what was discussed or proposed.

When it comes to deterring or curbing high-risk adolescent behavior, fathers are a vital part of the equation.

Can you do it without them? Maybe.

Are you more likely to fail without their involvement? Yes.

Don't mislead mothers. The data is there for you to review it.

[Anonymous]

I wasted years fighting my teenager about pot. He's now almost 30, has a good job, etc. Still smokes pot. Don't know what the solution is. Turning a blind eye to it seems irresponsible but then again spending so much time fighting a losing battle really damages a relationship and can exacerbate the issue if they won't stop. Then there's lying and secrecy.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

+1.

You don't need a father/man to set house rules.

You don't need a father/man to set expectations for your kids.

You don't need a father/man for your kids to respect you.

I'm happily married, but I sure don't need my husband to set the house rules.

That's nice. But that's not what was discussed or proposed.

When it comes to deterring or curbing high-risk adolescent behavior, fathers are a vital part of the equation.

Can you do it without them? Maybe.

Are you more likely to fail without their involvement? Yes.

Don't mislead mothers. The data is there for you to review it.

Good fathers are a vital part of the equation. Bad ones, with substance abuse, anger management issues, poorly managed mental health issues, are NOT good for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few nights ago I came home, and the house reeked of pot. Literally everywhere. I went up to his room, and he was with his friend, out of their minds.

This is the third time in the past 9ish months that I've caught DS and his friend smoking, and the second time it's been in the house. Before that, I had this issue a couple of times about a year ago with just my DS.

I'm not sure what to do. I sent his friend home because he was going to stay over and tried to talk to DS again. Should I just let this go? DS has one year left until college, but its not a path I want DS going down. His family has a history of addiction and other issues, so this is something I think needs to stop.

Looking for advice, thanks.

What was his punishment? How did YOU react OP?