DS (17) Smoking in house again

[Anonymous]

Wow. Is this a troll? I would go ape sh*t if my kid did this. Change the Wi-Fi password (it’s summer so he doesn’t need it for school). Take away his phone. Tell him he is getting no money from you for three months. He can pack food at home if he wants to eat when he is not in the house. I would not allow him to leave the house until school starts unless accompanied by me or spouse. I would come down hard on this.

And I would start monthly random drug testing.

[Anonymous]

Where does he get the money to buy drugs? Can you control that?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. No advice, just commiseration and solidarity. People whose children do not have these issues truly do not get it.

I was a pothead as a teen and now have a PhD and am gainfully employed and haven’t touched weed for well over 20 years. So this may not be a forever problem. Still address it as you see fit, but know that this behavior in and of itself is not a life sentence to living in your basement playing video games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL allowed it in the house with her DSs when they were in HS. Jump forward 15 years and both of them are still living in her house, smoking marijuana every day, and staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day. One is unemployed while one is marginally employed (part time at Amazon warehouse). One never went to college at all, and the other earned only as AS degree in a trade that he doesn't work in because he "hates it."

Allowing the marijuana use may not have caused this situation, but it sure as hell didn't help--it began a pattern that has never changed. The best friend of these guys, whose parents were very strict and never allowed marijuana, whose parents SIL always called "ridiculous" for being strict, is in his first year of residency as a doctor. It's anecdotal, but...

I'm going to go ahead and say that if the marijuana had not been permitted to continue, that they wouldn't be where they are now.

Doesn't mean that they would have been Rhodes Scholars, but if your SIL had set a firm boundary and cut the crap out, I have no doubt they would have been better off than they are now. Marijuana dulls the brain, diminishes ambition and any sense of urgency. Sad.

Where was their father in all of this?

The father was present. And abusive. And also unemployed.

Well, that explains why the boys were chasing a high. Sad situation all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get him therapy, give him consequences and tell him if the behavior continues you aren't paying for college.

LOL Something tells me that college is not the foremost priority of a teenager who is consuming copious amounts of weed. Just saying.

Gonna have to try another threat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious of this DS is a good student/worker who enjoys pot in his free time, or is he flailing a life in general?

I know someone who walked across the graduation stage high as a kite and still got a PhD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

How is this a helpful comment? News flash- if the father isn’t around, it’s probably because he chose not to be. Many men do this, even after marrying a woman and having a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

How is this a helpful comment? News flash- if the father isn’t around, it’s probably because he chose not to be. Many men do this, even after marrying a woman and having a kid.

It's relevant and was asked because active and present fathers are the best deterrents to high-risk adolescent behavior.

Read the research: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7037335/#:~:text=Paternal%20involvement%20in%20the%20early,likelihood%20of%20adolescent%20risk%20behaviors

Paternal involvement in the early childhood years is associated with positive child developmental and psychological outcomes over time, while, during adolescence, several recent national longitudinal studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of adolescent risk behaviors [4,5] and predicts less adolescent depressive symptoms for both genders [6].

Fatherless children are more likely to smoke, drink alcohol, and abuse drugs in childhood and adulthood.

SOURCE: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger

Father involvement during their children’s adolescence can be significant and formative. Several large-scale studies have shown that father involvement is associated with a decrease in the likelihood of risk behaviors in adolescence, if the quality of the parent-child relationship is strong. In one such study, a positive father-child relationship was shown to predict a reduced engagement in risky behaviors by adolescents (Bronte-Tinkew et al. 2006). This proved to be more significant for male adolescents, suggesting that positive father-son relationships are important for mitigating risk behavior in adolescence. Studies also showed that adolescents whose nonresident fathers were involved in their lives have been shown to be less likely to begin smoking regularly (Menning 2006). These findings suggest that strong father-child relationships can have a significant positive influence on adolescents.

SOURCE: https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-3-030-75645-1_2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

Maybe your son's father wasn't a good father? I don't the details of your family dynamic, but the data on good fathers deterring kids from using drugs and engaging in other high-risk adolescent behavior is out there for you to peruse, if you'd like to educate yourself. Otherwise, you can keep spinning the story in your head that makes you feel better about yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

Maybe your son's father wasn't a good father? I don't the details of your family dynamic, but the data on good fathers deterring kids from using drugs and engaging in other high-risk adolescent behavior is out there for you to peruse, if you'd like to educate yourself. Otherwise, you can keep spinning the story in your head that makes you feel better about yourself.

My dad was a great dad

We smoked tons of pot - because pot is amazing

My dad is super great dad tho

Anything I wish my dad would’ve done differnt wasn’t in his control

I’m a way worse parent than him

[Anonymous]

*I meant me and my siblings smoked lots of pot

Not my dad 22-44

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is his father?

OP here - Divorced for 10 years. He sees the kids sometimes but is never any support in my household. Whenever he picks them up, he always causes some issues.

PP who asked. I'm sorry.

If it's any consolation, I'm sure you're doing the best that you can, but the trauma from an absent or toxic father often pushes teens to experiment and become reliant on substances. So not sure how much you could have done as a single mom to prevent this.

My son and many of his friends have experimented with weed and other drugs. They all come from families with both parents.

Maybe your son's father wasn't a good father? I don't the details of your family dynamic, but the data on good fathers deterring kids from using drugs and engaging in other high-risk adolescent behavior is out there for you to peruse, if you'd like to educate yourself. Otherwise, you can keep spinning the story in your head that makes you feel better about yourself.

My dad was a great dad

We smoked tons of pot - because pot is amazing

My dad is super great dad tho

Anything I wish my dad would’ve done differnt wasn’t in his control

I’m a way worse parent than him

Ok? So you’re the exception to the rule? Good for you for being such a “rebel” I guess. Hope you feel special.