My brother copies everything I do - but better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with your brother doing “better” than you? There’s no rule that says younger siblings have to be no better or have to be worse than the oldest.

You’re not “a failure” when he does better. That’s a rather extreme way to talk about yourself. His successes don’t diminish any of yours. This is all about your competitive personality and how you think. Work on changing your thoughts; be happy for your brother and his family. Therapy can help you with that.

It’s good for you and the whole extended family when he does well, too. He could be asking you for money for his rent and bills regularly —and his wife’s designer bag, and his kids’ tuition — that he never can repay. Would you prefer a deadbeat brother?

My family believes differently.

You just answered the question I was about to ask. This is really typical (you caring about this and him doing it) in families where the parents mainly showed love and praise for material accomplishments. Try to get out of this mindset and then you can see that he’s just chasing your parents love. And it will never be enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

No they don’t.

Yeah, they do. Because I've failed, and he succeeded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with your brother doing “better” than you? There’s no rule that says younger siblings have to be no better or have to be worse than the oldest.

You’re not “a failure” when he does better. That’s a rather extreme way to talk about yourself. His successes don’t diminish any of yours. This is all about your competitive personality and how you think. Work on changing your thoughts; be happy for your brother and his family. Therapy can help you with that.

It’s good for you and the whole extended family when he does well, too. He could be asking you for money for his rent and bills regularly —and his wife’s designer bag, and his kids’ tuition — that he never can repay. Would you prefer a deadbeat brother?

My family believes differently.

You just answered the question I was about to ask. This is really typical (you caring about this and him doing it) in families where the parents mainly showed love and praise for material accomplishments. Try to get out of this mindset and then you can see that he’s just chasing your parents love. And it will never be enough.

I think it was, though. They always bragged about him - never about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

No they don’t.

Yeah, they do. Because I've failed, and he succeeded.

.

There is no way all those people say that. You may want to go to therapy and figure out why you feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Buy things without labels or stop shopping to confuse him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

No they don’t.

Yeah, they do. Because I've failed, and he succeeded.

.

There is no way all those people say that. You may want to go to therapy and figure out why you feel this way.

I was paraphrasing. Sounds like the things he's done aren't impressive to you, and that's totally understandable - but in our circles, they're huge. I really do come off as someone who couldn't hack it all the way.

[Anonymous]

You are missing an oppourtunity to start baiting him.

First step, start brining fakes of luxury bags and watch him drop all his money on real ones that are bigger. Laugh all the way to the bank.

Next, sign up for a little triathlon and then giggle as he does an Ironman while you enjoy your free time and energy.

Etc etc. Start using this as a fun game! Maybe next you should go into teaching, and lets see if he can win teacher of the year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

No they don’t.

Yeah, they do. Because I've failed, and he succeeded.

.

There is no way all those people say that. You may want to go to therapy and figure out why you feel this way.

I was paraphrasing. Sounds like the things he's done aren't impressive to you, and that's totally understandable - but in our circles, they're huge. I really do come off as someone who couldn't hack it all the way.

Seriously - therapy for you. This has nothing to do with your brother. This is all you. You need to figure out why you have no self confidence.

[Anonymous]

OP and her brother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm cracking up at " aspirational luxury handbag" too much to respond properly.

That's an actual descriptor.

DP, I’m so glad I don’t live in a world in which aspirational handbags are a thing LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm cracking up at " aspirational luxury handbag" too much to respond properly.

That's an actual descriptor.

DP, I’m so glad I don’t live in a world in which aspirational handbags are a thing LOL

OP here. My point was that his copying extends all the way from a decades-long career in the military to a $400 Kate Spade bag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he looks up to his older sister and literally wants to be just like her. He clearly awed by you. I’m not sure how you could possibly take any of that as negative. You are his older sister. You know what’s what.

This. He thinks you are the bee’s knees and spends enough of his time trying to live up to YOU. Think about this for a minute and be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and give your brother a pat on the back next time you see him for following the right path. You don’t know how many brothers there are out there who go the other way and make life miserable for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he looks up to his older sister and literally wants to be just like her. He clearly awed by you. I’m not sure how you could possibly take any of that as negative. You are his older sister. You know what’s what.

This. He thinks you are the bee’s knees and spends enough of his time trying to live up to YOU. Think about this for a minute and be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished, and give your brother a pat on the back next time you see him for following the right path. You don’t know how many brothers there are out there who go the other way and make life miserable for you.

You are...naïve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an only child with friends and relatives from larger families, I have observed that inter-sibling competition motivates a lot of the dynamics in many families. It's amazing to me how big of a force it plays in peoples' lives. I've seen it over and over again.

The old saw with siblings used to be "let them work it out themselves," but some psychologists now think that may be a mistake, especially when one sibling repeatedly dominates another. The conflicts can extend into adulthood, even to their graves.

This post could be a troll with the very specific examples given, but it may be true. Regardless, I would wager that the brother admires the older sibling and likes their tastes and wouldn't give it much more thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an only child with friends and relatives from larger families, I have observed that inter-sibling competition motivates a lot of the dynamics in many families. It's amazing to me how big of a force it plays in peoples' lives. I've seen it over and over again.

The old saw with siblings used to be "let them work it out themselves," but some psychologists now think that may be a mistake, especially when one sibling repeatedly dominates another. The conflicts can extend into adulthood, even to their graves.

This post could be a troll with the very specific examples given, but it may be true. Regardless, I would wager that the brother admires the older sibling and likes their tastes and wouldn't give it much more thought.

Family usually have the same tastes. Nothing op described sounds impressive to me, especially not a Kate spade bag (maybe being a pilot, so he can travel often). That doesn't mean he's copying, as your circle's culture will likely lean towards the same brands and signs of accomplishment. My siblings lean towards the same tastes in brands, foods and travel so we often get jealous about each others travels. It's not one upping or an attempt to specifically target each other by going to far-flung destinations so much as its our personal desire/taste that happens to be similar.