My brother copies everything I do - but better

[Anonymous]

What’s wrong with your brother doing “better” than you? There’s no rule that says younger siblings have to be no better or have to be worse than the oldest.

You’re not “a failure” when he does better. That’s a rather extreme way to talk about yourself. His successes don’t diminish any of yours. This is all about your competitive personality and how you think. Work on changing your thoughts; be happy for your brother and his family. Therapy can help you with that.

It’s good for you and the whole extended family when he does well, too. He could be asking you for money for his rent and bills regularly —and his wife’s designer bag, and his kids’ tuition — that he never can repay. Would you prefer a deadbeat brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with your brother doing “better” than you? There’s no rule that says younger siblings have to be no better or have to be worse than the oldest.

You’re not “a failure” when he does better. That’s a rather extreme way to talk about yourself. His successes don’t diminish any of yours. This is all about your competitive personality and how you think. Work on changing your thoughts; be happy for your brother and his family. Therapy can help you with that.

It’s good for you and the whole extended family when he does well, too. He could be asking you for money for his rent and bills regularly —and his wife’s designer bag, and his kids’ tuition — that he never can repay. Would you prefer a deadbeat brother?

My family believes differently.

[Anonymous]

He's just a copy of you, albeit a better version.

You are always the OG. You paved a path for him to follow. There is something special about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s wrong with your brother doing “better” than you? There’s no rule that says younger siblings have to be no better or have to be worse than the oldest.

You’re not “a failure” when he does better. That’s a rather extreme way to talk about yourself. His successes don’t diminish any of yours. This is all about your competitive personality and how you think. Work on changing your thoughts; be happy for your brother and his family. Therapy can help you with that.

It’s good for you and the whole extended family when he does well, too. He could be asking you for money for his rent and bills regularly —and his wife’s designer bag, and his kids’ tuition — that he never can repay. Would you prefer a deadbeat brother?

My family believes differently.

It may be really hard to swim against the tide, but as an adult, you can question how your parents did things and choose to think differently from your family of origin. You have your own kids — don’t you want them all to do well and feel good about themselves? If one does something exceptionally well, do you want the other(s) to feel badly about it? If they do feel badly, what should a parent do? What effect do you want your words or actions to have? It seems like you could benefit from some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm cracking up at " aspirational luxury handbag" too much to respond properly.

That’s all I got out of this post too😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds crazy, I know, but I feel like such a failure.

1. I graduate Navy OCS, he graduates from Annapolis 5 years later, having never mentioned the military until I did.
2. I serve four years, he retires an O-6.
3. I learn to fly, he becomes an airline pilot as his second career.
4. I buy a vehicle, he buys the exact same one four trim levels higher (this happened twice).
5. I send my kids to a private school, he finds a more prestigious one that costs twice as much.
6. I bring an aspirational luxury handbag to Thanksgiving, his wife shows up at Christmas with the same brand, twice as big.

I know I'm just jealous, but I also feel like I've never been allowed to celebrate my successes, because here he comes a year or five later blowing them out of the water. Is this something therapy can help with?

My brother someone did a bunch of similar stuff I did over time, both better than me and relative to his peer group.

It doesn’t bother me. We’re good friends and chat when we can; have lived 1000s of miles from each other sicne I left for college.

It’s just so ironic that he competed in the same events as me later, went to an academy when I decided not to, lived in the exact same European and Asian country I did but years later, etc etc.

Oh well.

I would have given an awesome speech on him at his wedding if asked. Am super proud of him and wish him the best.

I’m super busy with my career, friends, house and family too. Maybe that perspective helps as well.

[Anonymous]

How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

[Anonymous]

I agree the problem here is that you are minimizing your own accomplishments and comparing yourself to your brother.

That said, you could always tell him you have taken up some ridiculous hobby, like bonsai (sorry bonsai lovers) then watch him plow his energy and time into it to make a smaller tree, etc. I am sort of joking here. The point is, you need to have a sense of humor about this and a sense of your own self-worth and accomplishments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just a copy of you, albeit a better version.

You are always the OG. You paved a path for him to follow. There is something special about that.

I'm trying to think this way. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

No they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huh. I'm not seeing most of those as one uppers.

I think finding a cheaper private school you are happy with is a good thing!

I think going to a normal college and then OCS is perfectly fine. If you enlisted first, even more impressive. I don't see Annapolis as more impressive.

I think flashy handbags and whatever you are saying he did with his car are ostentatious.

I don't see why being an airline pliot is all that, unless you are unemployed and living in your parents' basement.

Annapolis is definitely more impressive given how selective the military academies are. That's said, OP should celebrate her own successes without worrying about what her brother is doing.

Also, think of how you are as a parent. Surely you are proud of your children's accomplishments in their own right regardless of what your other children do. I'm sure your parents feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I'm cracking up at " aspirational luxury handbag" too much to respond properly.

That's an actual descriptor.

According to whom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you not allowed to enjoy your successes, just because his seem larger? That’s such distorted thinking, and it’s THAT you are a victim of, not your brother’s behavior. This is something to work through in therapy.

Every who hears about his successes - friends, family, coworkers, whoever - invariably respond with "Wow, what happened to you?"

This is total bs. Troll post for sure.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I don’t know why you would let this stuff bother you.

Tend your own garden.