Junior with autism and adhd anxiety and depression shutting down after coming out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. And we've tried two. I think they both just let him talk about what he wants to and don't discuss the elephant in the room. Has anyone gone through this and has steps to help make this transition successful for him? Therapists to recommend? Things to do at home? A lot of therapists don't know how to deal well with autistic kids much less gay autistic kids.

There are therapists who specialize in this; my cousin did. He was gay himself and many of his clients came to him with struggles relating to their sexuality and identity, coming out, etc. Of course, this was back when it was especially hard to talk about these things, but it might be worthwhile finding someone who understands.

Does anyone know what kind of therapists specialize in this?

You can Google or do a search on psychology today. My cousin was a social worker. Someone recently mentioned in smother thread that they went to a couples counselor in dc who specialized in this but I have zero idea if he is any good. Let me look…

[Anonymous]

Again, I have no idea of this guy is good…but it says he specializes. Maybe check Google reviews?

https://districtcounseling.com/

[Anonymous]

^it looks like there are a few different therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think he doesn't want to bring it up with the therapist, so it doesn't get discussed and worked out. I was hoping after several months this would be discussed but he doesn't want to and she won't push it plus I don't think she is qualified in this area.

OP, I think it’s really important you not push your DC to talk to his current therapist unless he feels safe doing so. Your DC might sense that his therapist would not be receptive or helpful.

I have a DC who came out. DC’s psychiatrist at the time (who was billing for medication management and therapy, and had been DC’s care provider for 5 years), was not receptive. Instead of being welcoming the pdoc professed a welcoming stance but pathologized DC’s queerness as a reaction to problematic relationships with members of the opposite sex in DC’s life. Not only that but he became punitive to DC by putting inappropriate conditions on treatment.

It was really heartbreaking for DC. On the positive side, DC had already come out to me, so I was able to affirm DC’s identity and also affirm DC’s sense that DC’s treatment provider had become abusive. I really had to have an explicit discussion with DC in which I had to say that DC had the right to be their full self with a healthcare provider and that I would help find such providers.

It did a number on DC’s self-esteem and damaged their emerging sexuality.

OP, if your DC is out to you, affirm that every chance you can. Find a pediatrician or adolescent medicine provider who is LGBTQ friendly and tell offer a chance to have an introductory visit after which your teen can decide to switch. Similarly find a psychiatrist and therapist and offer intro visits to switch.

I had to have an explicit discussion with both my kids in adolescence (one gay, one straight) telling them that their relationship with their doctor was private from me unless they were at risk of self-harm and that they should be able to talk with their provider about their sexuality, ask about birth control relationships and get tested for STIs.

Also - I like PP’s suggestion of spending more time in gay-friendly neighborhoods, but it doesn’t have to be NYC. There are plenty of gay friendly neighborhoods in DC.

[Anonymous]

To find LGBTQ therapists and providers, I looked on my health insurance network portal foe preferred providers and then googled their names for more info. Many had publicly available info about their background and specialties and a few mentioned they were LGBTQ-friendly.

I called about 6-8 docs to find someone taking new patients.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think he doesn't want to bring it up with the therapist, so it doesn't get discussed and worked out. I was hoping after several months this would be discussed but he doesn't want to and she won't push it plus I don't think she is qualified in this area.

OP, I think it’s really important you not push your DC to talk to his current therapist unless he feels safe doing so. Your DC might sense that his therapist would not be receptive or helpful.

I have a DC who came out. DC’s psychiatrist at the time (who was billing for medication management and therapy, and had been DC’s care provider for 5 years), was not receptive. Instead of being welcoming the pdoc professed a welcoming stance but pathologized DC’s queerness as a reaction to problematic relationships with members of the opposite sex in DC’s life. Not only that but he became punitive to DC by putting inappropriate conditions on treatment.

It was really heartbreaking for DC. On the positive side, DC had already come out to me, so I was able to affirm DC’s identity and also affirm DC’s sense that DC’s treatment provider had become abusive. I really had to have an explicit discussion with DC in which I had to say that DC had the right to be their full self with a healthcare provider and that I would help find such providers.

It did a number on DC’s self-esteem and damaged their emerging sexuality.

OP, if your DC is out to you, affirm that every chance you can. Find a pediatrician or adolescent medicine provider who is LGBTQ friendly and tell offer a chance to have an introductory visit after which your teen can decide to switch. Similarly find a psychiatrist and therapist and offer intro visits to switch.

I had to have an explicit discussion with both my kids in adolescence (one gay, one straight) telling them that their relationship with their doctor was private from me unless they were at risk of self-harm and that they should be able to talk with their provider about their sexuality, ask about birth control relationships and get tested for STIs.

Also - I like PP’s suggestion of spending more time in gay-friendly neighborhoods, but it doesn’t have to be NYC. There are plenty of gay friendly neighborhoods in DC.

I haven't run into this at all unless looking for a Christian therapist. The problem is most of his issues are just autistic give and take issues and socialization issues in relationships. The gay/straight part is just another added layer of confusion for him. But they need to be worked out so that he can work on the autism issues. Right now he's not moving forward on either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think he doesn't want to bring it up with the therapist, so it doesn't get discussed and worked out. I was hoping after several months this would be discussed but he doesn't want to and she won't push it plus I don't think she is qualified in this area.

OP, I think it’s really important you not push your DC to talk to his current therapist unless he feels safe doing so. Your DC might sense that his therapist would not be receptive or helpful.

I have a DC who came out. DC’s psychiatrist at the time (who was billing for medication management and therapy, and had been DC’s care provider for 5 years), was not receptive. Instead of being welcoming the pdoc professed a welcoming stance but pathologized DC’s queerness as a reaction to problematic relationships with members of the opposite sex in DC’s life. Not only that but he became punitive to DC by putting inappropriate conditions on treatment.

It was really heartbreaking for DC. On the positive side, DC had already come out to me, so I was able to affirm DC’s identity and also affirm DC’s sense that DC’s treatment provider had become abusive. I really had to have an explicit discussion with DC in which I had to say that DC had the right to be their full self with a healthcare provider and that I would help find such providers.

It did a number on DC’s self-esteem and damaged their emerging sexuality.

OP, if your DC is out to you, affirm that every chance you can. Find a pediatrician or adolescent medicine provider who is LGBTQ friendly and tell offer a chance to have an introductory visit after which your teen can decide to switch. Similarly find a psychiatrist and therapist and offer intro visits to switch.

I had to have an explicit discussion with both my kids in adolescence (one gay, one straight) telling them that their relationship with their doctor was private from me unless they were at risk of self-harm and that they should be able to talk with their provider about their sexuality, ask about birth control relationships and get tested for STIs.

Also - I like PP’s suggestion of spending more time in gay-friendly neighborhoods, but it doesn’t have to be NYC. There are plenty of gay friendly neighborhoods in DC.

I haven't run into this at all unless looking for a Christian therapist. The problem is most of his issues are just autistic give and take issues and socialization issues in relationships. The gay/straight part is just another added layer of confusion for him. But they need to be worked out so that he can work on the autism issues. Right now he's not moving forward on either.

DC’s provider was not Christian - that was not the source of the lack of understanding. TBH, we have run into more than one instance of this - it is generally well-meaning highly qualified providers who sincerely believe they are welcoming on this issue but because they are older, straight, and don’t have any real LGBTQ knowledge, simply aren’t able to be helpful and don’t come across as welcoming and in fact can end
up causing harm.