Junior with autism and adhd anxiety and depression shutting down after coming out

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to send sympathy to you and your son, OP. Being a teen is hard. Coming out is hard. Having ASD is hard. Having ADHD is hard. Having depression just sucks. And he’s got it all going on at once. It’s a lot! No wonder he’s overwhelmed and shutting down. I hope he starts to feel better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to send sympathy to you and your son, OP. Being a teen is hard. Coming out is hard. Having ASD is hard. Having ADHD is hard. Having depression just sucks. And he’s got it all going on at once. It’s a lot! No wonder he’s overwhelmed and shutting down. I hope he starts to feel better soon.

I know. I hope he can make it through this high school year ok.

[Anonymous]

Not sure where you are based but we live in chelsea/ ny. Literally 70% of people in our entire neighborhood are gay and very proudly and comfortably so. If I were you I’d bring your dc to nyc for a few days, if you can afford, and just walk the highline/ go to the Whitney/ go to little island and have lunches and dinners all in chelsea and your dc will start to feel the vibe and the community. You can get some good deals on hotels esp just across the water in Jersey city if money is a concern

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes he came out and had a boyfriend for a month who broke up with him. I think the boyfriend wasn't autistic and didn't understand the communication issues.

Well, this could’ve done a number on him. Breakups are hard for teens, and adults, for that matter but for a teen with autism it can be overwhelming - all of the big feelings/heartbreak, along with confusion and insecurity over the relationship/communication issues. And sexual intimacy, if that occurred, adds another level of complexity. He might be really struggling to process all of that right now.

What do you mean he “acts gay” in public but not at home? People with autism gave a hard time reading body language and verbal cues, yes? So he might be struggling with how to express himself and his identity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree. And we've tried two. I think they both just let him talk about what he wants to and don't discuss the elephant in the room. Has anyone gone through this and has steps to help make this transition successful for him? Therapists to recommend? Things to do at home? A lot of therapists don't know how to deal well with autistic kids much less gay autistic kids.

There are therapists who specialize in this; my cousin did. He was gay himself and many of his clients came to him with struggles relating to their sexuality and identity, coming out, etc. Of course, this was back when it was especially hard to talk about these things, but it might be worthwhile finding someone who understands.

[Anonymous]

I mean deliberately doing things that are non masculine in the wrong context. Just being very into feminine behavior but at the wrong time. I don’t want to go into specifics but basically these behaviors aren’t appropriate for anyone in public at the event he’s at but appropriate at other activities but he’s doing something almost to show off he has feminine traits. The way little kids might want to show off their sticker collection at a funeral. There is just no context to the behavior that makes it appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree. And we've tried two. I think they both just let him talk about what he wants to and don't discuss the elephant in the room. Has anyone gone through this and has steps to help make this transition successful for him? Therapists to recommend? Things to do at home? A lot of therapists don't know how to deal well with autistic kids much less gay autistic kids.

There are therapists who specialize in this; my cousin did. He was gay himself and many of his clients came to him with struggles relating to their sexuality and identity, coming out, etc. Of course, this was back when it was especially hard to talk about these things, but it might be worthwhile finding someone who understands.

Does anyone know what kind of therapists specialize in this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you are based but we live in chelsea/ ny. Literally 70% of people in our entire neighborhood are gay and very proudly and comfortably so. If I were you I’d bring your dc to nyc for a few days, if you can afford, and just walk the highline/ go to the Whitney/ go to little island and have lunches and dinners all in chelsea and your dc will start to feel the vibe and the community. You can get some good deals on hotels esp just across the water in Jersey city if money is a concern

Thank you. Maybe I will. Hopefully give him more comfortability. I don’t think he could ever afford a neighborhood like that though. I wonder if there are cheaper areas to live that have a similar vibe to maybe a lesser extent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean deliberately doing things that are non masculine in the wrong context. Just being very into feminine behavior but at the wrong time. I don’t want to go into specifics but basically these behaviors aren’t appropriate for anyone in public at the event he’s at but appropriate at other activities but he’s doing something almost to show off he has feminine traits. The way little kids might want to show off their sticker collection at a funeral. There is just no context to the behavior that makes it appropriate.

I think he’s doing it to try to “be himself” and get people to accept him but is annoyed that others just see it as an annoying behavior during the activity. He’s losing acquaintances as a result when other gay people are accepted but can tailor their behaviors to the activity. The kids aren’t against gay people. They just notice the behaviors as odd and then keep their distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you are based but we live in chelsea/ ny. Literally 70% of people in our entire neighborhood are gay and very proudly and comfortably so. If I were you I’d bring your dc to nyc for a few days, if you can afford, and just walk the highline/ go to the Whitney/ go to little island and have lunches and dinners all in chelsea and your dc will start to feel the vibe and the community. You can get some good deals on hotels esp just across the water in Jersey city if money is a concern

Thank you. Maybe I will. Hopefully give him more comfortability. I don’t think he could ever afford a neighborhood like that though. I wonder if there are cheaper areas to live that have a similar vibe to maybe a lesser extent.

You don’t have to live there like we do - you can live anywhere in nyc and hang out there. Also each city has an area like this to some extent but chelsea is esp affirming

[Anonymous]

Op - friend of a friend specializes in helping people who have come out - is a life coach. Very good dude

https://www.catorsparkscoaching.com/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure where you are based but we live in chelsea/ ny. Literally 70% of people in our entire neighborhood are gay and very proudly and comfortably so. If I were you I’d bring your dc to nyc for a few days, if you can afford, and just walk the highline/ go to the Whitney/ go to little island and have lunches and dinners all in chelsea and your dc will start to feel the vibe and the community. You can get some good deals on hotels esp just across the water in Jersey city if money is a concern

What does "literally" mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean deliberately doing things that are non masculine in the wrong context. Just being very into feminine behavior but at the wrong time. I don’t want to go into specifics but basically these behaviors aren’t appropriate for anyone in public at the event he’s at but appropriate at other activities but he’s doing something almost to show off he has feminine traits. The way little kids might want to show off their sticker collection at a funeral. There is just no context to the behavior that makes it appropriate.

Gay men aren't feminine. Transwomen are feminine.

If he's trying on new personalities, welcome to teeenagehood.

What's his media diet? Is he imitationg trash TV/TikTok?

[Anonymous]

I would focus on the withdrawal and other depression symptoms as that's most concerning. I would tread carefully re whatever the behavior is -- if you discuss it be sure to give examples of when it would be ok to do X in addition to when it's not. And any clues he can look for to determine if a different situation is one he can be flamboyant in. But he's already feeling really down and rejected, so be careful.

[Anonymous]

You can search for therapists on psychologytoday.com that specialize in issues around sexuality with experience working with neurodiverse individuals.