He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want an open marriage, ask him.

OP here. I’m drowning enough trying to manage everyday stuff of working and parenting; I can’t imagine juggling another relationship, too! So I’m not interested in asking for that. I’d love to have closeness and intimacy in my actual marriage, but after trying so hard for so many years, I’ve pretty much given up on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

I agree. If Jeff could also go through my posting history he count write my biography. I wish you the best OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave your H alone. Try not to wallow in the misery of your marriage but rather build a life for yourself.
No you don’t “need” to leave. It’s ok to stay. Just don’t ruminate. Maybe go take a trip alone or with your kid and have fun.

Thank you for this, so much. I will leave him alone. I do wish him happiness, and I know he roots for me in his own way, too. I’m doing just as you say…leaning for a trip alone with our kid soon actually! This new discovery just threw me for a loop.

Thanks, pocket friends. I’m grateful to not be savaged for my weakness in staying.

OP, you are not weak. On the contrary, you are a strong, kind and loving person who cares about her family. A weak and selfish person would have left a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

OP here. Fair question. We technically have had sex a handful of yikes in the past couple of years, but I know my definition that would qualify as a “sexless” marriage.

He’s always had a lower sex drive than me but it drastically, drastically went down after the wedding. Like nearly immediately after. I initiated 9 times out of 10 and was rejected maybe 7 or 8 of those 9 times for the first year, then we had a kid and it just stayed that low and has been that way for years. Interestingly the last few years he has initiated much more (as in, a few times a year) but he’s now very crude about it, nothing like actually being physically affection in general and then building up to it. He’s also picked a lot of fights for years and been very argumentative, veering from picking fights to the silent treatment when I engage and actually make a point, so when he started to initiate a couple of years back, I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Plus, menopause. I accept out of obligation sometimes and to not hurt his feelings, or hoping it will improve his mood. But a decade of rejection leaves me with little enthusiasm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like your writing style OP

+1

That's probably the only post of that length I have ever gotten through and would have kept reading.

I wish you the best, OP. I'm sorry for your situation and if I knew you I'd give you a hug.

+2

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I am in somewhat of a similar situation as your DH. I ordered a sex toy - it was obviously for him, not something my wife would think was for someone else. She saw it in the order history and made fun of me for it. I am sure that wasn't her intention but that's how it came across. We were sexless at the time.

Point being, there is zero chance you can expect your spouse to open up to you about kinks or desires if you don't have a good sex life. Not blaming you. I mean - would you confide your sexual secrets to your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

NP. Agree, I'm so sorry to read about this, OP. All of it. The most positive thing is that you say you're working up to leaving.

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but I'm going to just raise it -- If I missed this in the post, sorry, but are you and he still having sex, even occasionally? Because in your shoes, if I were still having sex with him even occasionally, the stuff you found would make me feel I needed to know if he were having, or had had, sex with anyone else. Let me be clear, I would NOT be asking him in order to shame him about the lingerie and toys if those are his or he has (as you put it yourself) an fetish he was enjoying at home solo during the day. Thats fine, in itself, since you're both done with the relationship as a marriage. I wouldn't even care much about his having other partners if I were in your emotional situation. I just would be concerned about STIs, which are on the rise in a very concerning way in the US. Even emotionally checked out and planning to leave eventually, I'd need to know for my health's sake. Many STIs show no symptoms and can linger for ages before you realize something's wrong.

In fact, as I write this, I'm thinking that I'd likely go get tested, period, whatever he said. If he's already hiding the purchases from you, he may lie when you ask about them/about other sex partners, if he feels ashamed. I get the sense you believe he woulnd't cheat because he just wouldn't make the effort it involves, and you likely are right. But if I were you, I'd just need to be sure that whatever he was doing didn't involve a health risk to me (or to him) -- for your child's sake. Of course this is all predicated on the idea that maybe you and he have sex or have had sex any time recently, which might not be the case.

OP here. You make very, very good points. So much so that when I read them this afternoon, I made an appointment for STI testing tomorrow. (Which you can do as a walk-in at quest after paying online before hand…$129 for 10 tests. Who knew?)

We have had sex maybe 3 times in the past year. And your post made me rethink the idea of ignoring this. Even knowing the likely cost of this foul mood for a long time after, I think I do just need to say what I found and ask for some information about the purchases. I don’t have much expectation of honesty (he lies very easily) but I think it’s a fair question given that it could impact me physically beyond just adultery as a concept, if he is engaging in with actual people.

My other concern is just that if this is (best case scenario) just his private kink that he indulges in alone using some props and his imagination, that it truly stay private…not something that he’s doing online with partners in a way that would be identifiable or could go public somehow. And if I can easily find this in his browser, so could our kid not that what I’ve found is horrible or anything, but it’s private adult stuff and needs to stay that way, if that’s what this is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he openly discussed this need/kink/desire with you how would you have reacted?

That’s a good question. He did very gently, years ago, suggest an eagerness about a kink that I wasn’t very into (me being dominant, and some related role playing) and mild BDSM. I went along with it to give it a whirl and because it was so rare for him to initiate, but I can’t say my heart was in it. I put the effort in. 😀 But it wasn’t fun for me, and it kind of petered out over time. I don’t think I ever did anything overtly to make him feel embarrassed to have brought it up, but I’m sure it was a disappointment to him that I wasn’t full-throttle enthusiastic and as interested as him. I’m a decent actress and gave it a college try but didn’t go out of my way to initiate in that theme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

NP. Agree, I'm so sorry to read about this, OP. All of it. The most positive thing is that you say you're working up to leaving.

I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but I'm going to just raise it -- If I missed this in the post, sorry, but are you and he still having sex, even occasionally? Because in your shoes, if I were still having sex with him even occasionally, the stuff you found would make me feel I needed to know if he were having, or had had, sex with anyone else. Let me be clear, I would NOT be asking him in order to shame him about the lingerie and toys if those are his or he has (as you put it yourself) an fetish he was enjoying at home solo during the day. Thats fine, in itself, since you're both done with the relationship as a marriage. I wouldn't even care much about his having other partners if I were in your emotional situation. I just would be concerned about STIs, which are on the rise in a very concerning way in the US. Even emotionally checked out and planning to leave eventually, I'd need to know for my health's sake. Many STIs show no symptoms and can linger for ages before you realize something's wrong.

In fact, as I write this, I'm thinking that I'd likely go get tested, period, whatever he said. If he's already hiding the purchases from you, he may lie when you ask about them/about other sex partners, if he feels ashamed. I get the sense you believe he woulnd't cheat because he just wouldn't make the effort it involves, and you likely are right. But if I were you, I'd just need to be sure that whatever he was doing didn't involve a health risk to me (or to him) -- for your child's sake. Of course this is all predicated on the idea that maybe you and he have sex or have had sex any time recently, which might not be the case.

OP here. You make very, very good points. So much so that when I read them this afternoon, I made an appointment for STI testing tomorrow. (Which you can do as a walk-in at quest after paying online before hand…$129 for 10 tests. Who knew?)

We have had sex maybe 3 times in the past year. And your post made me rethink the idea of ignoring this. Even knowing the likely cost of this foul mood for a long time after, I think I do just need to say what I found and ask for some information about the purchases. I don’t have much expectation of honesty (he lies very easily) but I think it’s a fair question given that it could impact me physically beyond just adultery as a concept, if he is engaging in with actual people.

My other concern is just that if this is (best case scenario) just his private kink that he indulges in alone using some props and his imagination, that it truly stay private…not something that he’s doing online with partners in a way that would be identifiable or could go public somehow. And if I can easily find this in his browser, so could our kid not that what I’ve found is horrible or anything, but it’s private adult stuff and needs to stay that way, if that’s what this is.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. I'm so relieved to know you're going to get tested. When you go, talk to them about what they advise about testing again --- I've read on DCUM that a second round of tests after six months or so is sometimes recommended, since some STIs might not show up as positive the first time, then develop enough to be traceable on a test after some time. Just ask them at the clinic.

It's also good that you're going to talk to him, even if he does lie to you. At least you will have done all you can on YOUR part to be frank and not hide things, and you cannot unlearn what you saw when you found his online purchase records. You should not have to, as another PP put it, carry the burden of this information alone. I'm sorry that there will be a cost in terms of his foul mood but it sounds as if you can deal with that. I really wish you the best. You have folks on this thread who are hoping things improve for you--whatever improvement looks like here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, you're basically only living together for financial reasons and for your kid. You need to act like you guys are already separated. And perhaps get some therapy for yourself.

For sure. It’s SO hard to find a decent therapist. I had amazing one before COVID and had so much positive momentum but she moved from the area and I’ve tried at least 6 more since and it’s just SO hard to click with someone, especially when so many want to only be online.

I really appreciate your reply, though. And your kindness. And just to be a little defensive, I’m not staying for the money like he’s rich or something, we’re just both middle aged government workers who for different reasons came to our marriage in our 40’s with nearly no assets and some debt. It’s only having the one household that gives us the luxury of not stressing about basic bills and camp and a vacation each year. I know it’s not a great trade off, this half life of a relationship, but I still have a lot of scars from a childhood with so much financial insecurity and instability, and it’s really been a luxury to breathe and not worry about money constantly.

Anyway, thanks for the understanding.

If you had a great therapist you clicked with, track him/her down and do virtual asap!

Also re-read your posts. This life is not work more time with your kid or money. It’s a miserable existence. 50% less time but with a happy mom would be worth a lot more than the time you have now with your child. Screenshot and save it all and get out.

[Anonymous]

Reading your description of the evolution of your sex life with DH, OP, I couldn’t help but think - is there any chance you are an unwitting beard? Your DH might not even be active outside the marriage, he might just be repressed and a mess on the whole issue.


Whatever the case I hope you find some peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Is this a chat gpt submission?

[Anonymous]

OP you wrote the story of my marriage (minus the sex toys) .. we’ve been in a miserable silent household since Covid, minus when is DH raging. Jeff could definitely write my biography too. Early this year I finally sat DH down for a heart to heart, admitting it’s not working & offered mediation- he agreed it’s mutual and after many months of mediation sessions, we’re at an impasse. He wants more money and time with DS; I offered that.. . He still refused to leave the house and let me buy him out & more importantly he won’t go back to mediation. We’re back to living in silence. I think he’s trying to drag this out for a better financial deal. It’s selfish and a toxic environment for the kids.
Looking at my to-do list this week: “find a therapist” has yet to be crossed off. I hesitate because I’m not optimistic I’ll find one I can click with - maybe I should stop looking for the unicorn therapist. 15+ year marriage- I agree with you— you really don’t know people and how they will age and change over time. I thought my DH would become more gentile, but the opposite has been true.
Anyway, I’m rooting for you l, as are many of your pocket friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

PP you are responding to. Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children. As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children. If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile. In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum. I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo. But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better. Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce. Go with that, for now. You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability. Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps. My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper. He says he loves me and is a decent father. Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart. I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage. Me too, girl. Me too!