He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I’ll state at the outset that in 59 levels my marriage of 11 years sucks. Layers and layers of suck. If Jeff could track my IP address over the past decade and see the layers of it all, it would be like excavating a mammoth of badness amid layers of ignoring red flags, weak decisions and “should have gotten out sooner”s and bad timing (including a surprise pregnancy) exacerbated by bad health and depression and financial angst and here I am, settling for at best a very distant roommate-like situation as we co-parent a child we both love very much. He claims to love me and want to stay married but won’t actually do anything to make anything better (like, ever talk about anything, spend time together, go to therapy, do ANYTHING enjoyable together)…he basically just works, does chores around the house (lots of them, many of you would be envious) and keeps his headphones on and ignores us most of the time.
So I have goals and dreams outside of our home and I’m trying to find happiness here I can….with my child, my job, and some long term goals. But it sucks. I’m working on getting stronger so I can leave, but I get up really poor and I hate that I would not only lose 50% of the time with my kid but that both households would take a huge financial hit. I hate that for all of us and most of the time stay paralyzed in this sucky sub-existence. But today I happened to be on our family computer on my DH’s Google profile and clicked into another tab for Amazon, searching for a past Amazon order without immediately realizing it was his Amazon account to find that he had ordered a pack of thong underwear. I don’t wear thongs. Or anything like them. I kept clicking. Lots of lingerie over the last couple of years. Many multi-packs of thongs. I notice some patterns…he’s ordering things in what might be…his sizes? And sex toys! All delivered to our house. He works from home a lot so all these Amazon packages…how can I have missed them all? I can’t ever work from home so I guess while I’m gone he is either wearing women’s lingerie (all hiding in a cache somewhere in our house?) or meeting up with lots of different partners and giving them underwear? None of it makes sense. He’s not someone to out that much effort into real life relationships, so I’m guessing some kind of online fetish or something that he can indulge in here at home while we are at work and school. I find myself not really caring so much, since I know that there is no way I could bring up, “Hey, honey, I notice you’ve bought lots of women’s underwear and sex toys on our Prime account. What’s that all about?” without him going into a rage, lying, gaslighting, and not speaking to me for a long time. There’s no way it would bring us closer, even if I care about him enough to honestly wish he could know that I wish him happiness and if satisfying a harmless kink about women’s underwear without shame would make him happy, I root for his happiness. But he could never be okay with me knowing that about him. It would violate the image of masculinity he wants to project. I feel sad for him, because I’m actually a pretty decent and understanding person and of all the people in the world he could tell, one be a pretty safe one. But he’ll never open up to me. So I sit with that knowledge of this stranger I live with who is even more a stranger to me than I knew yesterday. I know him a tiny bit better than I did yesterday but also a lot less than I thought. I don’t even have a close friend that I could confide in about this, so I share it with you, anonymous DCUM pocket friends. Yes, I know I need to leave. I wish there were an app for that, like Couch to 5K. “Emotional paralysis and depression to action, divorce, and your best life on the other side.”, but with a catchier title. If anyone creates such a kick in the ass boot camp, sign me up. |
Anonymous
| I mean, you're basically only living together for financial reasons and for your kid. You need to act like you guys are already separated. And perhaps get some therapy for yourself. |
Anonymous
|
Leave your H alone. Try not to wallow in the misery of your marriage but rather build a life for yourself.
No you don’t “need” to leave. It’s ok to stay. Just don’t ruminate. Maybe go take a trip alone or with your kid and have fun. |
Anonymous
For sure. It’s SO hard to find a decent therapist. I had amazing one before COVID and had so much positive momentum but she moved from the area and I’ve tried at least 6 more since and it’s just SO hard to click with someone, especially when so many want to only be online. I really appreciate your reply, though. And your kindness. And just to be a little defensive, I’m not staying for the money like he’s rich or something, we’re just both middle aged government workers who for different reasons came to our marriage in our 40’s with nearly no assets and some debt. It’s only having the one household that gives us the luxury of not stressing about basic bills and camp and a vacation each year. I know it’s not a great trade off, this half life of a relationship, but I still have a lot of scars from a childhood with so much financial insecurity and instability, and it’s really been a luxury to breathe and not worry about money constantly. Anyway, thanks for the understanding. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this, so much. I will leave him alone. I do wish him happiness, and I know he roots for me in his own way, too. I’m doing just as you say…leaning for a trip alone with our kid soon actually! This new discovery just threw me for a loop. Thanks, pocket friends. I’m grateful to not be savaged for my weakness in staying. |
Anonymous
| Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators… |
Anonymous
|
Sending you internet hugs OP- I hope you can find your happy soon.
|
Anonymous
| Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness. |
Anonymous
| I like your writing style OP |
Anonymous
| If you want an open marriage, ask him. |
Anonymous
| So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first? |
Anonymous
NP. Agree, I'm so sorry to read about this, OP. All of it. The most positive thing is that you say you're working up to leaving. I know this isn't what you want to hear right now but I'm going to just raise it -- If I missed this in the post, sorry, but are you and he still having sex, even occasionally? Because in your shoes, if I were still having sex with him even occasionally, the stuff you found would make me feel I needed to know if he were having, or had had, sex with anyone else. Let me be clear, I would NOT be asking him in order to shame him about the lingerie and toys if those are his or he has (as you put it yourself) an fetish he was enjoying at home solo during the day. Thats fine, in itself, since you're both done with the relationship as a marriage. I wouldn't even care much about his having other partners if I were in your emotional situation. I just would be concerned about STIs, which are on the rise in a very concerning way in the US. Even emotionally checked out and planning to leave eventually, I'd need to know for my health's sake. Many STIs show no symptoms and can linger for ages before you realize something's wrong. In fact, as I write this, I'm thinking that I'd likely go get tested, period, whatever he said. If he's already hiding the purchases from you, he may lie when you ask about them/about other sex partners, if he feels ashamed. I get the sense you believe he woulnd't cheat because he just wouldn't make the effort it involves, and you likely are right. But if I were you, I'd just need to be sure that whatever he was doing didn't involve a health risk to me (or to him) -- for your child's sake. Of course this is all predicated on the idea that maybe you and he have sex or have had sex any time recently, which might not be the case. |
Anonymous
This is another possibility. OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship. |
Anonymous
The bold x1,000. I posted above about knowing whether he has had sex with someone else just from an STI perspective for you, IF you and he ever have sex (and even in a roommate marriage, it can still happen sometimes). That's the kind of honest communication you both need. It sounds, OP, as if you are non-judgemental about whatever he wants to do, and that is positive in the situation you're in, but is there a way you and he can at least communicate more frankly about the fact it is a roommate marriage now? |
Anonymous
| sorry for double post above.... |