Dad believes that education is a luxury and a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

No, OP, you can't reason with a person like him. Don't even try.

You are using the child support to support the child's education. That is a totally valid and appropriate use of it. He doesn't like it but that's a him problem. You are doing well by your child.

Do you have a parenting plan, and what does it say about educational decisions . Also does it have a part about parents not talking down about the other parent to the child. He shouldn't be telling your dc that his paying cs will cause him to die early. I don't think you can do anything about him not driving her to camps on his time, unfortunately he gets to choose that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll. Public schools don't "fall short.".

Yes, they do. You must be the public school troll on the private forums

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

I agree that some activities will cause issues if he doesn't want to do them on his time, notably sports and ballet, which can start to cannibalize all one's free time.

If your child is at all musical, you might consider music. My son is an advanced violinist with a relatively intense load of lessons, compared to more casual musicians. He has two or three 1hr private lessons a week (one weekday and one weekend day at his teacher's home, which is also his private studio), and participates in a youth orchestra on one weekday evening for about 2 hrs, with concerts at Strathmore 3 times a year. He has orchestra every day at his public school, and concerts for that twice a year at the local high school. He rehearses for an hour every day at home.

Perhaps your paranoid ex might be OK with taking his child to concerts? Might he feel proud of his child's performance? Or be made to feel that way?

My daughter also has a casual group horseback riding lesson once a week. It's not expensive, and she will never do competitions, or lease a horse, or go to any expensive or intense length for that hobby.

So just have an eye towards how activities may progress. Travel sports and near-daily driving to swim/crew practice would be the worse, for your situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

DP. The default legal arrangement is that each parent gets to decide what to do during “their time.” Otherwise joint custody doesn’t really work. But if one parent acts in a way that isn’t in the best interests of the child, that can be the basis to get more custody or get a court to order the activity. But it would have to be really extreme like the parent refusing to allow any activities, or not taking the kid to school, etc. There is at least 1 DC case where a parent lost legal custody due to refusing to permit any activities. (Although there was other stuff going on in that case - it does show though that courts recognize activities as in a child’s best interests.)

All that said … of course OP being a sane person wants to avoid the expense of a court battle. So OP just needs to do what she can an eventually coach her daughter to speak up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

DP. The default legal arrangement is that each parent gets to decide what to do during “their time.” Otherwise joint custody doesn’t really work. But if one parent acts in a way that isn’t in the best interests of the child, that can be the basis to get more custody or get a court to order the activity. But it would have to be really extreme like the parent refusing to allow any activities, or not taking the kid to school, etc. There is at least 1 DC case where a parent lost legal custody due to refusing to permit any activities. (Although there was other stuff going on in that case - it does show though that courts recognize activities as in a child’s best interests.)

All that said … of course OP being a sane person wants to avoid the expense of a court battle. So OP just needs to do what she can an eventually coach her daughter to speak up.

Oh, I forgot to add. My xDH and I agree that activities are important to our kid. Our lawyers tried to write in a section of our agreement saying that each parent makes their own decisions about their own parenting time. But we added in a section saying “Parents agree that reasonable activities are in the best interests of the child and agree to facilitate activities during parenting time.” That may not be exactly legally binding to force the parent to take the kid to soccer but it reflects that we agree to try to cooperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

THIS

[Anonymous]

Stop telling him that his child support is paying for her activities. If he asks, child support is helping cover her needs, like food and clothing and heat. The classes are not being paid for by child support.

Do not discuss further. He doesn't get an opinion on how you spend your money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

I agree that some activities will cause issues if he doesn't want to do them on his time, notably sports and ballet, which can start to cannibalize all one's free time.

If your child is at all musical, you might consider music. My son is an advanced violinist with a relatively intense load of lessons, compared to more casual musicians. He has two or three 1hr private lessons a week (one weekday and one weekend day at his teacher's home, which is also his private studio), and participates in a youth orchestra on one weekday evening for about 2 hrs, with concerts at Strathmore 3 times a year. He has orchestra every day at his public school, and concerts for that twice a year at the local high school. He rehearses for an hour every day at home.

Perhaps your paranoid ex might be OK with taking his child to concerts? Might he feel proud of his child's performance? Or be made to feel that way?

My daughter also has a casual group horseback riding lesson once a week. It's not expensive, and she will never do competitions, or lease a horse, or go to any expensive or intense length for that hobby.

So just have an eye towards how activities may progress. Travel sports and near-daily driving to swim/crew practice would be the worse, for your situation.

DP. This is kindly meant, but no child should have to choose his interests and chosen activities so that they are activities daddy will be willing to tolerate. At its core, that's what you're suggesting: That the OP should nudge, or just push, her child toward activities dad might be OK dealing with in the future. Completely unfair to the child and to the child's development as an individual with his OWN interests. If the kid is musical and wants to pursue that, great, but the motivation should not be tied to dad's "Not On My Time!" selfishness.

A good parent would support what interested, engaged and enriched his child, rather than using the child's activities to play power games with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

I'm the PP to whom you're responding. Re: the bold -- that works for now, but as your child gets older, depending on her interests and what she wants to pursue, you will almost surely end up in a bind if she wants to do any activity that requires more time. My DC danced extensively, for instance, and that went from once a week to twice a week to four multi-hour lessons a week and rehearsals on most weekends in the run-up to shows. My friend's DS loved soccer and similiarly, he went from a few practices and a game most weeks to a lot more time in late elementary and middle school. Just as examples. And neither the boy nor my DC were superstars, they just loved their chosen activities. I'm just saying-- be aware that things are fine only on your time now, but if your DD gets a love for some activit and wants to pursue it, you will eventually run into her activity happening in "his time." If it's a group or team activity where her presence at all the practices/rehearals/sessions really matters to the whole group or team, she may run into some issues that can be crushing for a kid, tween or teen.

Another friend's ex tried the whole "I won't take our son to his sports practices on MY time" thing and the boy, not the mom, finally had to tell dad clearly that this really mattered to him and he would eventually be told he couldn't continue with the team if he wasn't at certain practices or missed tournament games etc. The ex finally (grudgingly) did take the son but only after the son spoke up; ex wouldn't listen to a word from mom.

I think I might have read on DCUM about parenting agreements where parents commit to taking a child to activities--you might eventually have to see if a mediator or lawyers can maybe negotiate that later, if your ex continues to be so recalcitrant--??

This sounds like it's all off in the future for you but it's something to bear in mind -- unfortunately. I'm sorry.

DP. The default legal arrangement is that each parent gets to decide what to do during “their time.” Otherwise joint custody doesn’t really work. But if one parent acts in a way that isn’t in the best interests of the child, that can be the basis to get more custody or get a court to order the activity. But it would have to be really extreme like the parent refusing to allow any activities, or not taking the kid to school, etc. There is at least 1 DC case where a parent lost legal custody due to refusing to permit any activities. (Although there was other stuff going on in that case - it does show though that courts recognize activities as in a child’s best interests.)

All that said … of course OP being a sane person wants to avoid the expense of a court battle. So OP just needs to do what she can an eventually coach her daughter to speak up.

Oh, I forgot to add. My xDH and I agree that activities are important to our kid. Our lawyers tried to write in a section of our agreement saying that each parent makes their own decisions about their own parenting time. But we added in a section saying “Parents agree that reasonable activities are in the best interests of the child and agree to facilitate activities during parenting time.” That may not be exactly legally binding to force the parent to take the kid to soccer but it reflects that we agree to try to cooperate.

OP, this language, above, is something to discuss with your lawyer. It might help. Dad will balk but maybe there are other things your lawyer (not you, but your lawyer talking to his lawyer) can do, to get this language agreed on between you. It screws with a kid to feel that her interests mean nothing to one parent.

[Anonymous]

Tell him CS is spent on food and clothing and housing and you spend your money on enrichment.
Generally don’t talk to him about anything. Hi, did DD have a good time, bye.
I have an ex with some crazy ideas as well and the golden rule is to tell him as little as possible. I listen to his rants, I nod, then I throw it out of my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop talking to him.

Do you crave drama?

Not the OP, but I really needed to hear that to end all communication with an NPD BF whom I was working hard on making my ex. The words stopped me cold. The next day I cut off all communications. Drove him crazy, including stalking me, but it was the only way to limit the drama and get my life back.

OP, GL!