Dad believes that education is a luxury and a waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Can you help me reason with a person who js being selfish and short sighted?

My daughter is nine, separated from her dad when she was 3.5. For five years, no child support. I paid all expenses. Basics covered - preschool, enough clothes, safe housing, healthy food. No frills.

Finally went to court, got child support. She's struggling in school so I use dad's money, signed her up with a tutor. Signed her up for a sport. She loves art and craft, so camp 4 hrs a day because public school doesn't teach this. Most child support spent on education, with most of what's left locked in long-term savings.

Her father regularly calls me that this is all a waste. It's all luxuries. She doesn't need college, they'll just brainwash her. She doesn't need savings, she needs a father who has money to spend on his own needs. He will surely die an early death and it'll be my fault that she lost him and he will be sure she knows this.

Is there a way to reason with such a person? He is like a caricature. I don't know how to explain to him that education opens doors. That public Schools fall short and parents must pay for what their children need. We have shared custody. I'm not supposed to take his money and ignore his wishes. I asked him twice when he wants to come over regularly to study so we can drop the tutor. He ignores this. Only wants every penny for himself, that's the concern.

Advice please? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

[Anonymous]

PP from above, sorry, I see now that you have shared custody. Yep, I really would be concerned that he not undermine schoolwork or tutoring or activities on his time.

[Anonymous]

Why are you entertaining him? Aren't you divorced?

[Anonymous]

"Dad" is your ex, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

NP. This, above, really is the way, OP.

Also, it sounds as if you might benefit from more limited contact with your ex. Do you and he share only one child, your DD? What is the custody situation? For instance, is it 50/50 or do you have more custody than that, etc.? I would honestly want to do all pickup/dropoff and kid logistics through emails or an app (there are apps designed just for this, so parents don't have to have any face to face or phone contact at all--some courts/mediators have parents use these apps or sites, I think). If he can only really communicate with you via some app in short posts to arrange pickups etc, he's got less time, and no face time with you, to complain to you.

One thought though-- if he has even partial custody, he may be saying who knows what to her about school, trying to poison her against liking or valuing school. If he has some custody, does he refuse to take her to her activities and tutoring on "his time"? I'd watch out for that kind of nonsense, if he has any custody time where he's supposed to be doing things like taking her to tutoring or to school events etc. Some parents try to pull the "Not on MY time!" crap and he sounds primed to do that, especially as she gets older and maybe does more activities or shows academic ability. Just be aware that he may be messing with her head about school and tutoring and activities, if he has much custody.

College is frankly essential these days unless you want to go into a trade school (which is fantastic, but I suspect this dad would carp about that too.) I'd be salting away a lot of money now, and asking the grandparents for donations to her 529 college fund in these coming years rather than big birthday or holiday presents. Because dad's going to be a jerk about college tuition, I'm sure.

Thank you for this. Yes, no extra classes on his time. We wasted about $600 on camp and lessons he refused to drive her to, so now only on my time.

I kid you not, this man calls to explain to me the history of English common law and indentured servitude, and that judges have pension bonuses from child support rulings so this is all highly unconstitutional. When daugher was 6 months old, and I wasn't working, he quit his job because ebola epidemic in Africa and he wouldn't risk contracting it from the international businessmen who visit his office on K Street.

Thanks folks. I think you're right. Talking to or through his lawyer may be the only way. I was infatuated with him, got pregnant unintentionally but age 26 and kept the baby. Now must learn to live with this character.

[Anonymous]

Stop talking to him.

Do you crave drama?

[Anonymous]

He can think and say what he wants. What matters is getting the financial support you are owed to raise your child how you think fit. Only consult him for things he's sure to say yes to, so he feels involved. If you hide tutoring that he later discovers but that you can somehow make him feel better about (the teacher said tutoring was needed?), is that better than asking for an approval that will never come? Document all the times you have proposed reasonable alternatives that he has ignored. Use strategies of mitigation and obfuscation to get what you want without pushing him beyond a point where he will rebel and decide to cause legal problems for you: that's an expense and a hassle you don't need. But other than that red line, the end justifies the means: this is your child's future earning potential we're talking about. She might be able to support you in your old age. Or at least you hope you won't have to support her in your old age

Your child needs to be as near a straight A student as possible in public school, because colleges are *very* selective and *very* expensive these days. Your child will benefit from merit aid at state schools if she's a stellar student, on top of any financial aid your household will be entitled to. If he's not willing to pay for college, this strategy will become crucial to your child's success. If funds are tight, she can also do 2 years at community college then transfer to UMD if she has the requisite GPA. But again, everything hinges on academics! This often takes significant parental or paid tutoring. I have a child with learning disabilities and a child without, and I have worked with both to get them into advanced classes. I paid for tutors to get my son through high school during the pandemic. He got into a good university with merit aid.

Stay strong, OP. You are doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing to discuss. You do it on your parenting time and how you spend the child support is your choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

This. Also stop listening to his silly rants. When my ex goes on with nonsense like that I just say, “sorry I would love to continue this conversation but I have another call starting in a few minutes and must go.”

You’re not going to change him. He’s crazy and saying crazy things. Get what you can in child support and do the best you can with it and live your life.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I also procreated with a very intelligent man who also says bizarre things like that. I’ve come to understand it as a mild form of impulsive, delusional thinking, where he’s so influenced by his emotions (not wanting to spend money or time on activities) that he says patently absurd things to justify his beliefs.

All you can do is ignore it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. You can ask him to agree to activities on his time, but you can’t expect him to agree (or even do it if he does agree).

You’re just going to have to do your best on your own time. It sounds like you’re doing a great job so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

This. Also stop listening to his silly rants. When my ex goes on with nonsense like that I just say, “sorry I would love to continue this conversation but I have another call starting in a few minutes and must go.”

You’re not going to change him. He’s crazy and saying crazy things. Get what you can in child support and do the best you can with it and live your life.

Do you talk to your child about their dad? Do anything special to help her learn fact from fiction?

I tell mine that her dad is a good guy but that we don't know how to he friends. Same as she's met many nice girls who don't become her friends. People don't all click. That's about it at this point. I've never told her that he's sick and out of touch with reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He can think and say what he wants. What matters is getting the financial support you are owed to raise your child how you think fit. Only consult him for things he's sure to say yes to, so he feels involved. If you hide tutoring that he later discovers but that you can somehow make him feel better about (the teacher said tutoring was needed?), is that better than asking for an approval that will never come? Document all the times you have proposed reasonable alternatives that he has ignored. Use strategies of mitigation and obfuscation to get what you want without pushing him beyond a point where he will rebel and decide to cause legal problems for you: that's an expense and a hassle you don't need. But other than that red line, the end justifies the means: this is your child's future earning potential we're talking about. She might be able to support you in your old age. Or at least you hope you won't have to support her in your old age

Your child needs to be as near a straight A student as possible in public school, because colleges are *very* selective and *very* expensive these days. Your child will benefit from merit aid at state schools if she's a stellar student, on top of any financial aid your household will be entitled to. If he's not willing to pay for college, this strategy will become crucial to your child's success. If funds are tight, she can also do 2 years at community college then transfer to UMD if she has the requisite GPA. But again, everything hinges on academics! This often takes significant parental or paid tutoring. I have a child with learning disabilities and a child without, and I have worked with both to get them into advanced classes. I paid for tutors to get my son through high school during the pandemic. He got into a good university with merit aid.

Stay strong, OP. You are doing the right thing.

Just adding numbers to my post. This year UMD and UVA are at $30K a year for residents (total cost of attendance: tuition + room & board + fees). Some UVA programs are actually closer to $40K a year. My oldest is going to a private uni that costs $85K a year, but he has 20K merit aid, thanks to a very high GPA and test scores and a dozen AP courses. Some private unis are at $90K+ this year. The college landscape has changed entirely for this generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell him to have his lawyer contact your lawyer if he wants to modify support

This. Also stop listening to his silly rants. When my ex goes on with nonsense like that I just say, “sorry I would love to continue this conversation but I have another call starting in a few minutes and must go.”

You’re not going to change him. He’s crazy and saying crazy things. Get what you can in child support and do the best you can with it and live your life.

Do you talk to your child about their dad? Do anything special to help her learn fact from fiction?

I tell mine that her dad is a good guy but that we don't know how to he friends. Same as she's met many nice girls who don't become her friends. People don't all click. That's about it at this point. I've never told her that he's sick and out of touch with reality.

Same. She’ll figure it out on her own. Mine did by 11 or 12. Even so, mine absolutely hates when I say anything negative about dad so I don’t say much at all, other than an occasional good natured joke. Surround your kid with good mentors (coaches, teachers, good friends, church leaders if you’re religious, uncles) and they’ll get enough counter parenting to figure it out.