I don’t like my 9 year old DD

[Anonymous]

This is the consequence of bad parenting. You created this and now you don’t like it. Set boundaries. Be a parent.

When my kids misbehave there are consequences, normally natural ones, but yeah I use screen time too. Like if they don’t clean their toys and give me a headache about it. I pack up the toys and donate them to charity. Do that once and it will never happen again - I promise you.

If they give me grief about what I cook for dinner, I do one of 2 things. 1. I make them responsible for the next meal and they get to listen to their siblings complaints about the food. or 2. I put foil on it and serve it up cold when they complain about being hungry.

If they are disrespectful to me - I stop indulging them in anything. When they ask why I say “why do I want to do XXXX for someone who is not respectful to me. If I did XXXX to you how would that make you feel.”. Or you can fall back on “I am obligated to care for you, provide food, education, and clothing. I am not obligated to take abuse from you or indulge you. Good behavior gets rewarded. Whatever you call this behavior gets nothing from me.”

If they whine - “I’m sorry I can’t hear anything you say through all that noise. If you speak to me in a normal voice I might understand you.”

This system isn’t perfect and I’m sure DCUM has all sorts of ideas about me (of which I don’t care). However, it works for me and my kids are generally very well behaved. They’re not perfect, but they’re respectful and kind most of the time - to me and everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Been through that but with younger kids- one technique could be to try to express a sense of humor about it, maybe lighten the mood a little?

For example when my kids start telling me how I am the worst mommy and that they hate me- I pick up the phone and pretend to call the mommy store so they can return their mommy and get a new one. Changes the mood a bit.

Or when they are whining for something over and over loudly and I already said no, I say I really love that song and that they are good singers, and then I sing their whining back to them in an over the top way, or I act like I am a conductor to their whining song and enjoying the concert. Changes the mood without giving in to them.

Not saying that there may not be underlying issues to address, but try to see some humor in your daughters attitude- if anything it will help with your mood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When it happens around here, we have a screen free week. And it’s hugely helpful almost immediately.

This this this!!!!

[Anonymous]

Yeah I agree to cut out screens 100%....
Boredom solves so many issues and attitude problems. It also forces siblings to figure something out to entertain themselves or with each other. Oftentimes they do something much more physical than I would have ever expected them to and take afternoon naps which have been a lifesaver for cranky evenings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, yes, it is a phase. It's normal for kids to push back against their parents, try on rude or annoying behaviors they might learn at school or in movies/tv/books, or become moody/emotional for periods of time as they go through hormonal shifts. All totally normal.

On the other hand, you can't just wait it out. You need to see through the behavior to the person underneath, and as a parent you have to always maintain empathy for that person even when their behavior is annoying the crap out of you. It's really important to understand that the person and the behavior are separate, and to emphasize for yourself (and thus for your DD) that even when you don't like her behavior, you do like her.

This is a really fundamental thing for a parent. It helps her to learn that she is not her behavior and she CAN make better choices. She needs to know that if she messes up, she can fix it.

This, this, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do people post things with subject lines like this? It’s awful.

I agree! Kids are smart and intuitive... she knows you do not like her OP + is yanking your chain. Get family therapy before you ruin her life/ psyche.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people post things with subject lines like this? It’s awful.

You can hate them but still love them. Stop being so dramatic.

DP, but no, you can’t. You can dislike some of their behavior, but no, you can’t “hate them but still love them.” Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry it's totally abnormal to dislike your kid

Get help

How old is your kid? Three? Or maybe you're still pregnant. Basically, shut up toddler mommy. Those of us with older kids understand what OP is going through. You'll get there eventually you smug little wench.

DP. My oldest are in college and high school and OP is pathetic . And “smug little wench?” Are you in middle school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry it's totally abnormal to dislike your kid

Get help

How old is your kid? Three? Or maybe you're still pregnant. Basically, shut up toddler mommy. Those of us with older kids understand what OP is going through. You'll get there eventually you smug little wench.

No, we don't.

OP seems to be as emotional as the 9 year old. No wonder. Not liking your kid for being entitled and rude at 9 is dramatic. Get a grip on your emotions and give the child more responsibility and accountability for her actions and words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is turning into a monster. She has a bad attitude on a daily basis. She’s incredibly disrespectful to me in particular. Is this a normal phase? How long does it last? What are tips for managing this?

Give her more responsibilities. She doesn't like your food? Let her make a shopping list, go gocery shopping and cook- even if it's something very basic. Then you and your family model appreciation when you eat it.

She doesn't like her clothes? Give her a budget and let her shop for the season.

She complains about her chores? Empathize and offer to switch chores with her when possible.

We tend to treat 9 year olds as if they are 6. So they become entitled and ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is turning into a monster. She has a bad attitude on a daily basis. She’s incredibly disrespectful to me in particular. Is this a normal phase? How long does it last? What are tips for managing this?

I'll trade you for a mouthy, disrespectful four year old boy. Imagine being disrespected on a daily basis by someone who pees themselves, spills their drinks, can't wipe their own poop, can't fetch their own snacks and drinks, constantly breaks things, unbuckles their seatbelt during car rides, and is generally mad when you're not there even though he hates you.

Virtually all of this seems completely normal for a four year old boy

It certainly sounds like my four year old boy right now.

[Anonymous]

Keep repeating, that’s not how we talk to each other, I don’t speak to you that way, etc. Don’t respond when she speaks to you badly, calmly remind how to rephrase/reframe into something like a reasonable request. Respond quickly and helpfully as often as you can when she is kind and respectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry it's totally abnormal to dislike your kid

Get help

How old is your kid? Three? Or maybe you're still pregnant. Basically, shut up toddler mommy. Those of us with older kids understand what OP is going through. You'll get there eventually you smug little wench.

I agree the "abnormal" PP is out of line but why would a toddler mom NOT understand "not liking" their kid lol. That's the phase when I've least liked my kid!

OMG mommies of toddlers are so smug - your child behaving badly is very different than a tween dealing with hormones. Come back in 8 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry it's totally abnormal to dislike your kid

Get help

How old is your kid? Three? Or maybe you're still pregnant. Basically, shut up toddler mommy. Those of us with older kids understand what OP is going through. You'll get there eventually you smug little wench.

No, we don't.

OP seems to be as emotional as the 9 year old. No wonder. Not liking your kid for being entitled and rude at 9 is dramatic. Get a grip on your emotions and give the child more responsibility and accountability for her actions and words.

Shut up Dr. Becky.

[Anonymous]

My nearly 9yo daughter is doing the same OP - it’s so hard! No advice just sympathy.