Dreading reunion with old friends

[Anonymous]

Op, what matters is you are divorced. Forget the focus on the other stuff .. you say fancy-this, fancy-that, kids, achievements, clubs, neighborhoods, whatever. You have it wrong. None of that matters. It will matter that you are divorced. Recently divorced. Talk with them about that, right up-front. Sorry, but you need to lead with that. A few sentences. That's it. Then, do not dwell on it.

Enjoy your friends. That should be something you can do. Work to enjoy your friends.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you should go. Because:

1) the bad feelings are something you’re doing to yourself, and you’re already doing it anyway. I don’t see why going will make it that much worse. Also you can prepare for it with scripts, internal and/or external. A therapist can help you if you have one.

2) if you don’t go, you miss out on the good feelings you’re likely to get from connecting with your old friends, whether just to reminisce or to make new connections about your current lives. Something might even happen that makes you feel better about your own life, but even if it doesn’t you’ll be missing out on a lot of good stuff including stuff you probably can’t anticipate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with an outfit…we are having dinner at the private boat club two of the women belong to and possibly out for drinks after. I’ve never been there. Thinking a sundress and wedges? Or white pants and nice top?

You can’t go wrong with either. Wear whichever one is the dressier of the two.

+1

Although I’d also take into account how you feel in the different outfits. If you feel much better in one, go with that. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Have a nice bail out in case it goes the wrong way. I’ve seen it go both ways and you don’t want to stick around if they start their bragging rituals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, what matters is you are divorced. Forget the focus on the other stuff .. you say fancy-this, fancy-that, kids, achievements, clubs, neighborhoods, whatever. You have it wrong. None of that matters. It will matter that you are divorced. Recently divorced. Talk with them about that, right up-front. Sorry, but you need to lead with that. A few sentences. That's it. Then, do not dwell on it.

Enjoy your friends. That should be something you can do. Work to enjoy your friends.

I think this is key. I would also have a plan in case you want to leave.

On the plus side, I'm in my 50s and lots of people I knew got divorced in their 40s or after about 20 years of marriage. Your friend's dhs may have recently divorced male friends as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with an outfit…we are having dinner at the private boat club two of the women belong to and possibly out for drinks after. I’ve never been there. Thinking a sundress and wedges? Or white pants and nice top?

You can’t go wrong with either. Wear whichever one is the dressier of the two.

+1

Although I’d also take into account how you feel in the different outfits. If you feel much better in one, go with that. Have fun!

Whichever one makes you look thin and hot.

[Anonymous]

Just an update-I had a good time! It was actually just as some of you said, so great to remember old times and memories.

I learned that other husbands have cheated too, they just went the counseling route instead. Things I didn’t even know until I started talking about my problems.
One friend even suggested we get together and make a dating profile for me, even though I’m 50 and not ready yet, it was nice to know she’d help me and laugh with me about it.

All in all, so glad I went. Thanks for helping.

[Anonymous]

That's great, thank you for update. I'm one of the encouraging posters who sometimes has social anxiety. Always good to push yourself to go. You definitely don't want to get in a rut of avoiding social interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an update-I had a good time! It was actually just as some of you said, so great to remember old times and memories.

I learned that other husbands have cheated too, they just went the counseling route instead. Things I didn’t even know until I started talking about my problems.
One friend even suggested we get together and make a dating profile for me, even though I’m 50 and not ready yet, it was nice to know she’d help me and laugh with me about it.

All in all, so glad I went. Thanks for helping.

So happy it went well!

[Anonymous]

Came looking for this update and so happy to read it. Glad you went!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an update-I had a good time! It was actually just as some of you said, so great to remember old times and memories.

I learned that other husbands have cheated too, they just went the counseling route instead. Things I didn’t even know until I started talking about my problems.
One friend even suggested we get together and make a dating profile for me, even though I’m 50 and not ready yet, it was nice to know she’d help me and laugh with me about it.

All in all, so glad I went. Thanks for helping.

Yay! You’re welcome! I’m so glad to hear that you enjoyed yourself. Out of curiosity what outfit did you end up in? I suggested that you wear the dressier of the two. ☺️

[Anonymous]

I wore the sundress! It was dressier and felt a little more fun than just pants and top.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just an update-I had a good time! It was actually just as some of you said, so great to remember old times and memories.

I learned that other husbands have cheated too, they just went the counseling route instead. Things I didn’t even know until I started talking about my problems.
One friend even suggested we get together and make a dating profile for me, even though I’m 50 and not ready yet, it was nice to know she’d help me and laugh with me about it.

All in all, so glad I went. Thanks for helping.

Make that dating profile!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wore the sundress! It was dressier and felt a little more fun than just pants and top.

Awesome! Thanks for coming back to update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you think they’ll enjoy your company? Will they be kind to you about your recent divorce? Are they kind generally? If yes, then go. If not, and you feel like you “should” go, don’t go. You’re not beholden to the friends you had as an early 20-something, especially not if they aren’t really interested in knowing you as you are now. Not all old friends are worth keeping, even while some are.

This. If you’re physically feeling anxious, don’t go. Life is too short.

I agree. Sometimes when I'm dreading going to some event it turns out okay, and I'm glad I put aside my nervous anxiety about it.
Other times I wish I had followed my instinct.