Dreading reunion with old friends

[Anonymous]

Yeah these gaps are going to be nice at first but then start talking about their high class life and you’re going to feel awful about yourself. Skip.

[Anonymous]

You say they want to get together with you. That's great! I think you should go. Have you heard the phrase "never compare your insides to others' outsides"? You don't know the details of all their lives and they're most likely not as perfect as you think they are. But even if they are, you have a shared past together that could be fun to revisit.

Another way to think about it. You feel really bad about this right now. You could go and be pleasantly surprised at how it wasn't so bad, maybe even good. Or you could go, it could be not great, and then poof, you don't need to worry about it any more. But if you don't go at all, you'll still be feeling bad and maybe wondering if you missed out. You'll have passed over a chance to be brave and each time we practice being brave we get better at it.

I have some social anxiety, and "When in doubt, go" works out for the best 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Unless you know they are now shallow, I think you should go because the odds are that it will not be the shame show you seem to expect.

Just plan to talk about the things in your life you like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Decades ago I was friends with a few women while we were all young and starting our careers. We enjoyed each others company fine but we have all moved on and now some live in different states. They keep up with each other much more than I do with them though because of certain circumstances, mainly distance.

Present day, these ladies are all very successful, they and their spouses make tons of money and have memberships to nice private clubs and go on luxury vacations and their kids are in the best schools that money can buy and excel at everything( sports, academics and the arts). Meanwhile, I feel like I haven’t moved on much at all. I’m very middle-class live in a very middle-class house and neighborhood and I do okay, but I definitely do not belong to any private clubs and the children are in public schools and they are pretty average with their sports and academic achievements and I still live in the same town. Also, I am recently divorced.

I haven’t seen these old friends in years but all their families will be back next weekend for a reunion and they want to meet up with me. I’m so anxious about this I don’t really want to go and inevitability compare my kids with their kids and their European vacations with my camping one but then I feel stupid for that and insecure. I just have a knot in my stomach about it. I know this is my own insecurity, but sometimes it’s just hard to hear about their successes, and realize that I am so far from that world. I wonder often why they even want to include me? I know that’s the insecurity again. Any advice?

If you have any interest in dating again, they might know people. My friends are not as wealthy but I love them for them. I might talk about what’s going on in my life but I hope it doesn’t make them feel less than me. I’m genuinely interested in their lives, opinions, success, and failures. I don’t judge my friends.

[Anonymous]

I know very few people with that 1% lifestyle of retiring at 46, multiple vacation homes, luxury head to toe, etc. I think DCUM is a unique universe where everyone’s circle is full of the uber wealthy and successful but the VAST MAJORITY of people in the normal (educated) world are “middle class drones” (like me).

I guess ignorance is bliss - that elite world is so far from mine that I don’t compare, or feel “less than.” I’m grateful to have what I need, and not be struggling to pay the bills, and I’m grateful for my family and friends (very few of whom are rich).

[Anonymous]

So what happened OP?

[Anonymous]

Just to add - your friends are not the norm in life - they are the top 1%. To measure your yourself against that reflects very deep insecurity, but it does NOT reflect that you are a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how do you look? If you look good, that’s all that matters.

Oh man! I wish I could say that was one area I had going for me but sadly, no. I’m probably pretty frumpy looking now with big hips and thighs and lots of wrinkles. And yup, they are all pretty still.

Yea, OP - skip the event. You’re not gonna feel good afterwards.

+1. I'm you, OP. Go if you want to, but my situation is similar to yours and I'd skip it. I don't think I'd feel good about myself afterward, but I struggle with insecurity. Anyway, you have my permission to skip it, fwiw.

This is kinda sad. Not to not go, but for this reason. Wouldn’t you feel worse about yourself? More insecure? You control your thoughts, so you can handle anything, if you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what happened OP?

I’m going tonight and luckily their husbands and kids aren’t coming to dinner, for some reason that’s a relief. Getting my hair and nails done and will probably have some wine. I’ll update but already feeling better about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, do you think they’ll enjoy your company? Will they be kind to you about your recent divorce? Are they kind generally? If yes, then go. If not, and you feel like you “should” go, don’t go. You’re not beholden to the friends you had as an early 20-something, especially not if they aren’t really interested in knowing you as you are now. Not all old friends are worth keeping, even while some are.

This. If you’re physically feeling anxious, don’t go. Life is too short.

+1

It doesn’t sound like you have kept in touch and aren’t really missing them. It’s ok to leave them in your past. Just politely decline and say you are busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you know they are now shallow, I think you should go because the odds are that it will not be the shame show you seem to expect.

Just plan to talk about the things in your life you like.

Yes, exactly. It sounds as though OP is going, which is great. I have a very middling sort of life, but my high-achieving friends from long ago and I have a great time on those rare occasions when we get together. No one is judging anyone else else. We’re just happy to hear what’s going with people we care about

[Anonymous]

Np, it's okay to let the friendships go. I wouldn't subject myself to something unless I really wanted to do it. Don't go, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what happened OP?

I’m going tonight and luckily their husbands and kids aren’t coming to dinner, for some reason that’s a relief. Getting my hair and nails done and will probably have some wine. I’ll update but already feeling better about this.

Yaay! They’re welcoming you with open hearts. Could lead to reigniting life long friendships. Have fun!

[Anonymous]

Struggling with an outfit…we are having dinner at the private boat club two of the women belong to and possibly out for drinks after. I’ve never been there. Thinking a sundress and wedges? Or white pants and nice top?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Struggling with an outfit…we are having dinner at the private boat club two of the women belong to and possibly out for drinks after. I’ve never been there. Thinking a sundress and wedges? Or white pants and nice top?

You can’t go wrong with either. Wear whichever one is the dressier of the two.