FIL doesn't acknowledge my son but wants to stay at my house

[Anonymous]

100% in agreement that your wife gets to call the shots here, BUT also just to say that if she wants him to stay in your house and that's too much for you, it's okay for you to bail out for a couple of days and stay with friends/in a hotel. Just tell her calmly and sincerely that you support her efforts to repair the relationship with her father, but you find it too painful and raw right now to have him in your space. You might even tell her that if it goes well, you might reconsider in future.

PP who made the crack about the FIL not being the kid's grandpa, wtf. Not okay.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm curious why you say your child with your wife is "your" son, and not "our" son. I would think your wife wants her dad to meet his grandchild, as it is her son as well. I know you carried, but I've never heard a lesbian couple talking about a child as only belonging to only the gestating partner.

Your wife's dad is a jerk.

FWIW, I had a partner whose father wouldn't look at me. He pretended I didn't exist, that I wasn't in the room. He never addressed me. It was psychologically awful, and the fact that my partner felt like I needed to be cool with this treatment to keep the peace felt awful. I refused to go to see the father, eventually. I respect myself too much for that garbage.

[Anonymous]

I will go against the grain here. OP's FIL is being awful to her child. As a parent, OP is completely within her rights to protect her child from that kind of treatment in his own house. She's mot preventing her wife from seeing her father, or forbidding a relationship. SO no, I wouldn't leave it up to her wife, who may be willing to put up with more poor treatment that others who aren't emotionally invested might be. OP has equal rights, and an equal say, as her wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious why you say your child with your wife is "your" son, and not "our" son. I would think your wife wants her dad to meet his grandchild, as it is her son as well. I know you carried, but I've never heard a lesbian couple talking about a child as only belonging to only the gestating partner.

Your wife's dad is a jerk.

FWIW, I had a partner whose father wouldn't look at me. He pretended I didn't exist, that I wasn't in the room. He never addressed me. It was psychologically awful, and the fact that my partner felt like I needed to be cool with this treatment to keep the peace felt awful. I refused to go to see the father, eventually. I respect myself too much for that garbage.

It is the grandfather calling the child OP’s baby…he apparently doesn’t consider the child to be his daughter’s as well. I thought that point was pretty clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m confused- is FIL asking to stay at your house and visit his other daughter and new baby (essentially too cheap for a hotel)? If that, no.
Or, is FIL asking to come stay with you and do DC things with your son? If this, then i agree with the PPs that this might be his way of trying to rebuild the relationship.

It’s the first, but FIL is bringing his own son with second wife to be a tourist. They are a free hotel and nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious why you say your child with your wife is "your" son, and not "our" son. I would think your wife wants her dad to meet his grandchild, as it is her son as well. I know you carried, but I've never heard a lesbian couple talking about a child as only belonging to only the gestating partner.

Your wife's dad is a jerk.

FWIW, I had a partner whose father wouldn't look at me. He pretended I didn't exist, that I wasn't in the room. He never addressed me. It was psychologically awful, and the fact that my partner felt like I needed to be cool with this treatment to keep the peace felt awful. I refused to go to see the father, eventually. I respect myself too much for that garbage.

It is the grandfather calling the child OP’s baby…he apparently doesn’t consider the child to be his daughter’s as well. I thought that point was pretty clear.

OP here - yes, I realized after the title of saying "my" son might seem off but I wrote it as such bc my FIL recognizes him as my son, just not my wife's. I fully recognize him as both of our child.

Still unclear what is actually going to happen. The last my wife updated me (over the weekend) was that her father texted her telling her what time he was landing (late next Saturday evening) and that she responded with a thumbs up, so no confirmed plans. She dreading dealing with it any further so hasn't followed up about any specific plans beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious why you say your child with your wife is "your" son, and not "our" son. I would think your wife wants her dad to meet his grandchild, as it is her son as well. I know you carried, but I've never heard a lesbian couple talking about a child as only belonging to only the gestating partner.

Your wife's dad is a jerk.

FWIW, I had a partner whose father wouldn't look at me. He pretended I didn't exist, that I wasn't in the room. He never addressed me. It was psychologically awful, and the fact that my partner felt like I needed to be cool with this treatment to keep the peace felt awful. I refused to go to see the father, eventually. I respect myself too much for that garbage.

It is the grandfather calling the child OP’s baby…he apparently doesn’t consider the child to be his daughter’s as well. I thought that point was pretty clear.

OP here - yes, I realized after the title of saying "my" son might seem off but I wrote it as such bc my FIL recognizes him as my son, just not my wife's. I fully recognize him as both of our child.

Still unclear what is actually going to happen. The last my wife updated me (over the weekend) was that her father texted her telling her what time he was landing (late next Saturday evening) and that she responded with a thumbs up, so no confirmed plans. She dreading dealing with it any further so hasn't followed up about any specific plans beyond that.

Why is she avoiding it? She needs to make plans with him to stay with your or not. He thinks he's staying with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm curious why you say your child with your wife is "your" son, and not "our" son. I would think your wife wants her dad to meet his grandchild, as it is her son as well. I know you carried, but I've never heard a lesbian couple talking about a child as only belonging to only the gestating partner.

Your wife's dad is a jerk.

FWIW, I had a partner whose father wouldn't look at me. He pretended I didn't exist, that I wasn't in the room. He never addressed me. It was psychologically awful, and the fact that my partner felt like I needed to be cool with this treatment to keep the peace felt awful. I refused to go to see the father, eventually. I respect myself too much for that garbage.

It is the grandfather calling the child OP’s baby…he apparently doesn’t consider the child to be his daughter’s as well. I thought that point was pretty clear.

OP here - yes, I realized after the title of saying "my" son might seem off but I wrote it as such bc my FIL recognizes him as my son, just not my wife's. I fully recognize him as both of our child.

Still unclear what is actually going to happen. The last my wife updated me (over the weekend) was that her father texted her telling her what time he was landing (late next Saturday evening) and that she responded with a thumbs up, so no confirmed plans. She dreading dealing with it any further so hasn't followed up about any specific plans beyond that.

Why is she avoiding it? She needs to make plans with him to stay with your or not. He thinks he's staying with you.

Avoidance is how she deals with stressful interpersonal issues. She and I both know it's not great but it is what it is. I've also been avoiding the topic since it makes me so angry and me going off on it only stresses her more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% in agreement that your wife gets to call the shots here, BUT also just to say that if she wants him to stay in your house and that's too much for you, it's okay for you to bail out for a couple of days and stay with friends/in a hotel. Just tell her calmly and sincerely that you support her efforts to repair the relationship with her father, but you find it too painful and raw right now to have him in your space. You might even tell her that if it goes well, you might reconsider in future.

PP who made the crack about the FIL not being the kid's grandpa, wtf. Not okay.

I think this is a good idea. I would even consider taking your son with you and letting your wife and her dad spend time together and try to come to some sort of agreement on how he needs to accept, or at least respect, you and your son before she can continue a relationship with him.

[Anonymous]

OP update: last weekend they worked out that he would spend tonight at our place since he’s getting in late and then go to my SIL’s tomorrow. Then he was texting my wife last night asking if he could borrow a stroller to take his son to the zoo (implying to me that our son was not included in that plan), which led to follow up questions and him revealing that he was planning on staying w us till at least Tuesday. Wife ended up booking him an Airbnb in the neighborhood for Sunday and Monday nights. He’ll still be staying tonight at our place but it’s late enough I probably won’t see him. I made plans with friends during the day tomorrow. Guess I’m just going to have to be around him for breakfast and dinner tomorrow and Monday dinner. Which I can deal with I suppose.

Still can’t get over what a jerk he is. Wife just wants us to pretend he never made those comments for the sake of this visit. I plan on being polite but doing the bare minimum unless he shows any kind of indication that he’s trying to do a nice family visit rather than using us for free lodging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update: last weekend they worked out that he would spend tonight at our place since he’s getting in late and then go to my SIL’s tomorrow. Then he was texting my wife last night asking if he could borrow a stroller to take his son to the zoo (implying to me that our son was not included in that plan), which led to follow up questions and him revealing that he was planning on staying w us till at least Tuesday. Wife ended up booking him an Airbnb in the neighborhood for Sunday and Monday nights. He’ll still be staying tonight at our place but it’s late enough I probably won’t see him. I made plans with friends during the day tomorrow. Guess I’m just going to have to be around him for breakfast and dinner tomorrow and Monday dinner. Which I can deal with I suppose.

Still can’t get over what a jerk he is. Wife just wants us to pretend he never made those comments for the sake of this visit. I plan on being polite but doing the bare minimum unless he shows any kind of indication that he’s trying to do a nice family visit rather than using us for free lodging.

The guy is so lame. Props to you for trying to rise above it, OP. Nothing worse than feeling uncomfortable in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

Is it possible that after your sister's wedding, when you invited FIL over post-wedding and he said he didn't have time, is it possible he just meant that day/week? Maybe he didn't mean it as a complete diss of your child, then you distanced yourself for a while out of hurt? I don't know all the facts but just putting out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

The last part is key. I’d say she needs to decide and you need to go with whatever she decides, as long as her father isn’t unkind to your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update: last weekend they worked out that he would spend tonight at our place since he’s getting in late and then go to my SIL’s tomorrow. Then he was texting my wife last night asking if he could borrow a stroller to take his son to the zoo (implying to me that our son was not included in that plan), which led to follow up questions and him revealing that he was planning on staying w us till at least Tuesday. Wife ended up booking him an Airbnb in the neighborhood for Sunday and Monday nights. He’ll still be staying tonight at our place but it’s late enough I probably won’t see him. I made plans with friends during the day tomorrow. Guess I’m just going to have to be around him for breakfast and dinner tomorrow and Monday dinner. Which I can deal with I suppose.

Still can’t get over what a jerk he is. Wife just wants us to pretend he never made those comments for the sake of this visit. I plan on being polite but doing the bare minimum unless he shows any kind of indication that he’s trying to do a nice family visit rather than using us for free lodging.

Good for you for being the bigger person. He’s a jerk. Please keep us updated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP update: last weekend they worked out that he would spend tonight at our place since he’s getting in late and then go to my SIL’s tomorrow. Then he was texting my wife last night asking if he could borrow a stroller to take his son to the zoo (implying to me that our son was not included in that plan), which led to follow up questions and him revealing that he was planning on staying w us till at least Tuesday. Wife ended up booking him an Airbnb in the neighborhood for Sunday and Monday nights. He’ll still be staying tonight at our place but it’s late enough I probably won’t see him. I made plans with friends during the day tomorrow. Guess I’m just going to have to be around him for breakfast and dinner tomorrow and Monday dinner. Which I can deal with I suppose.

Still can’t get over what a jerk he is. Wife just wants us to pretend he never made those comments for the sake of this visit. I plan on being polite but doing the bare minimum unless he shows any kind of indication that he’s trying to do a nice family visit rather than using us for free lodging.

Could he have just stated at your sister in laws if he wanted to? Or is it a dumpster fire or no room?