FIL doesn't acknowledge my son but wants to stay at my house

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

[Anonymous]

Nooooo! NTA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

You're married. Do this for her. Marriage is a big thing and included sacrificing.

By the way, this may be indirectly a way for your family to somewhat connect with him.

[Anonymous]

Your wife's father? Shouldn't your wife get the last word on this? And have you thought that perhaps this is an indirect way FIL has of reaching out in a typical old man gruff non-apologetic way?

He should visit, and if he proves to be a massive jerk during the visit, you'll know to decline further ones. But it's best to give him the benefit of the doubt, and take the high road for now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

It depends. What does your wife want to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

You're married. Do this for her. Marriage is a big thing and included sacrificing.

By the way, this may be indirectly a way for your family to somewhat connect with him.

This. Grow up op and try to accept him for who he is. He is not related to the baby and he doesn’t feel that biological pull.

[Anonymous]

Be open but keep expectations low. This may be the beginning of positive change/growth.

[Anonymous]

OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

I think it’s her call here. If she doesn’t want it then she should say no. You should not be the one to block it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

How can it get worse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

You're married. Do this for her. Marriage is a big thing and included sacrificing.

By the way, this may be indirectly a way for your family to somewhat connect with him.

This. Grow up op and try to accept him for who he is. He is not related to the baby and he doesn’t feel that biological pull.

Would you say the same regarding a grandparent who refused to acknowledge an adopted child, but who wanted to visit to acknowledge that child’s not-adopted cousin? At some point OP’s child is going to notice the disparate treatment of the grandchildren. OP is right to protect their her from that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

This has to be your wife’s decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have a 2.5 yo son, whom I carried. Her father lives out of state, and while they used to be very close, they haven't been as much since our marriage 5 years ago, which was around the same time he had another child with his much younger second wife. The last time we saw him was at my wife's sister's wedding two years ago, when our son was about 6 months old. My wife asked him if he thought he'd be able to visit after the wedding to meet our son and he responded, "I don't think I'll have time to meet [my name's] baby." Obviously very hurtful and I've never forgiven him for it and neither has my wife, though she's upset that their relationship has soured and wants it to improve.

Fast forward two years later, now, my wife's sister recently had a baby and FIL is planning a trip up to meet that baby (something he never did for our son). He informed my wife that he wants to stay a few days at our place because he wants to take his young son to do DC things; we live in the middle of the city and the sister he is visiting lives about 1.5 hours out. I essentially want nothing to do with him and think he really has the gall to not acknowledge us as a real family but then still take advantage of our house. At the same time, I know this is difficult for my wife and don't want to make things worse for her. WIBTA if I said he couldn't stay with us?

You're married. Do this for her. Marriage is a big thing and included sacrificing.

By the way, this may be indirectly a way for your family to somewhat connect with him.

This. Grow up op and try to accept him for who he is. He is not related to the baby and he doesn’t feel that biological pull.

Would you say the same regarding a grandparent who refused to acknowledge an adopted child, but who wanted to visit to acknowledge that child’s not-adopted cousin? At some point OP’s child is going to notice the disparate treatment of the grandchildren. OP is right to protect their her from that.

+1
I'm adopted and I guarantee my mom would not have been hosting any family members who didn't at least pretend that they thought that I was as much her daughter as if she'd gestated me. If grandpa doesn't "feel that biological pull," he can find somewhere else to stay.

[Anonymous]

What a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - my wife doesn't want him staying with us either but she's afraid their relationship will get worse if she tells him he can't. I'm just think all her efforts are likely to be futile and that she's setting herself up for disappointment. I will probably ultimately just try to keep quiet to keep the peace but need to find a way to calm my own nerves over it.

How can it get worse?

Right? They have little contact and he doesn't acknowledge her son! That said, if she wants to let him, I'd go along with it, and then decide based on his conduct whether he'd ever be welcome again.