Support for difficult divorce

[Anonymous]

I listened to a lot of podcasts when I was in your situation. Divorced Girl Smiling and FLAUNT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope: Not my experience.

I argued my “motions” in court. I was better prepared than my exs attorney, who looked at it the night before. The judges listen and go out of their way to make things fair.

[Anonymous]

Surprised there aren’t more forums like this but for divorce.

[Anonymous]

I found and still find it just harder to keep going forward on your own each day with the parenting and working and bill paying. Someone like a coach is probably the best to help keep you moving forward through a difficult time. Friends are good for meeting up and taking a break to have fun but not as good for me working through the hard times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found and still find it just harder to keep going forward on your own each day with the parenting and working and bill paying. Someone like a coach is probably the best to help keep you moving forward through a difficult time. Friends are good for meeting up and taking a break to have fun but not as good for me working through the hard times.

I’m sorry. Have you used a coach? How is one different than a therapist?

[Anonymous]

I think a coach helps you move forward more than dealing with the present and past.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't done it because of time constraints but the activities that seem the most interesting are from the group New Beginnings
https://www.newbeginningsusa.org/

I did try DivorceCare but only liked the videos, not the group interaction or the leader. You can sign up to just get the online information and those videos are comprehensive and take you through the process of healing step by step. In the group though, the leader spent the entire time talking about himself and trying to get everyone not to divorce and he was the one who had had the affair and was irrational at home and his wife took him back, so the entire conversation was around how he changed and then changed his wife. And then there were people that just monopolized the conversation talking randomly about things unrelated to divorce with no real questions, just venting. There was no structure.

I did this class pre covid and it was helpful in terms of learning what your options might be. It was not at all about providing emotional support during group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Limit your conversations with attorneys. They were bad advisors for matters dealing with …life. Business books say the same thing.

Also, they spoke to my worst nature (think of that cartoon devil on your shoulder) during the worst period of my life. Probably not ALL are like this, like most things

But attorneys strong financial incentive to create conflict is real. that was my felt experience. Meanwhile, you might have to live with the guy/gal for the rest of your life.

Totally agree. Spend a good 3-6 months trying to divorce without them.

I actually disagree. It sounds like there was some kind of big betrayal and OP may not be able to negotiate on her own effectively. And if the other party is unreasonable or unable to organize themselves, then it’s also going to be impossible to do it on your own. With kids especially you also need to know all the provisions to include, like how to handle relocation, etc.

DIY divorce works best if there are no assets/kids and the parties are basically reasonable - eg a starter marriage that just fell apart. But add in complications (which OP’s post suggest exist) and you really do need a lawyer.

There’s no need to hire a lawyer who will take a maximalist or aggressive position. You can seek out a “collaborative practice” lawyer. Or just instruct your lawyer that you want the agreements to be comprehensive but fair and reasonable from the outset.

My personal experience is that trying to make it work without a lawyer was a waste of time & eventually money. First I tried drafting agreements myself but my exDH was too unreasonable and unwilling to negotiate sanely about things like steps to sell the house and was not able to absorb everything that needed to be absorbed (eg all the details about custody schedules). Then we tried “divorce coordinators” who were sort of helpful to point out items that should be considered (eg how to split holidays) but not helpful at all in getting a finalized agreement, and also too pushy in trying to judge and change a few provisions xDH and I had already agreed on. Finally we each just got lawyers and it’s much smoother when the lawyers talk to each other.

tl;dr - many/most divorces involve people who cannot communicate effectively and disagree constantly. expecting them to be able to agree on financial/custody provisions alone is not realistic.

NP collaborative law works if you’re dealing with a partner is honest, reasonable and willing to collaborate. Otherwise it’s a waste of time and money.

[Anonymous]

Get the agreements and divorce decrees from the courthouse or friends. It’s useful to see the final product

[Anonymous]

Duh. a lot of partners get nasty at the end.

then the divorce lawyers wants to charge you when you struggle to talk through tears and snot—or fear.

No one should negotiate when they are in the middle of emotional upheaval. If you are not well enough to research, wait to strike your deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't done it because of time constraints but the activities that seem the most interesting are from the group New Beginnings
https://www.newbeginningsusa.org/

I did try DivorceCare but only liked the videos, not the group interaction or the leader. You can sign up to just get the online information and those videos are comprehensive and take you through the process of healing step by step. In the group though, the leader spent the entire time talking about himself and trying to get everyone not to divorce and he was the one who had had the affair and was irrational at home and his wife took him back, so the entire conversation was around how he changed and then changed his wife. And then there were people that just monopolized the conversation talking randomly about things unrelated to divorce with no real questions, just venting. There was no structure.

I did this class pre covid and it was helpful in terms of learning what your options might be. It was not at all about providing emotional support during group.

This is interesting. I presumed that the topics and discussions in the group were focused on emotional support. In your experience did it focus more on things like how to file, how to choose a lawyer, how to negotiate? I’m almost legally divorced so I don’t need the logistical how to, rather I find I need emotional support from others going through it.

[Anonymous]

Google divorce care and watch their free videos. No harm. I even forwarded thr stuff. And I many times put people on mute when it’s virtual.