Support for difficult divorce

[Anonymous]

Three girlfriends sent their divorce decrees and agreements to me. It was useful to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Limit your conversations with attorneys. They were bad advisors for matters dealing with …life. Business books say the same thing.

Also, they spoke to my worst nature (think of that cartoon devil on your shoulder) during the worst period of my life. Probably not ALL are like this, like most things

But attorneys strong financial incentive to create conflict is real. that was my felt experience. Meanwhile, you might have to live with the guy/gal for the rest of your life.

Totally agree. Spend a good 3-6 months trying to divorce without them.

I actually disagree. It sounds like there was some kind of big betrayal and OP may not be able to negotiate on her own effectively. And if the other party is unreasonable or unable to organize themselves, then it’s also going to be impossible to do it on your own. With kids especially you also need to know all the provisions to include, like how to handle relocation, etc.

DIY divorce works best if there are no assets/kids and the parties are basically reasonable - eg a starter marriage that just fell apart. But add in complications (which OP’s post suggest exist) and you really do need a lawyer.

There’s no need to hire a lawyer who will take a maximalist or aggressive position. You can seek out a “collaborative practice” lawyer. Or just instruct your lawyer that you want the agreements to be comprehensive but fair and reasonable from the outset.

My personal experience is that trying to make it work without a lawyer was a waste of time & eventually money. First I tried drafting agreements myself but my exDH was too unreasonable and unwilling to negotiate sanely about things like steps to sell the house and was not able to absorb everything that needed to be absorbed (eg all the details about custody schedules). Then we tried “divorce coordinators” who were sort of helpful to point out items that should be considered (eg how to split holidays) but not helpful at all in getting a finalized agreement, and also too pushy in trying to judge and change a few provisions xDH and I had already agreed on. Finally we each just got lawyers and it’s much smoother when the lawyers talk to each other.

tl;dr - many/most divorces involve people who cannot communicate effectively and disagree constantly. expecting them to be able to agree on financial/custody provisions alone is not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Are you an attorney? I did that and am about $40k down the drain and only three submissions of an agreement to my ex-spouse plus filing. With an obstinate person you have to do as much as you can without an attorney because you have to stop the costs from skyrocketing. Divorce is about money and custody. Big betrayals mean nothing. it's just a business document unless you think you can win more money through the betrayal which is also related to business. Set up some meetings and discuss it twice before hiring an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one piece that I would add to whomever said try 3-6 negotiations months on your own. I generally agree, however:

First, try to heal yourself. You went/are going thr the worst spilt of your life. You are raw and may be a wreck. (I was).

Take steps you need to heal. Take as much time as you need. You control the timeline if you want.

Then try to deal with the money/property. get your arms around your “stuff” (what, it’s value etc). Not hard to do. Assets are too fancy a word for most of us.

The stuff isn’t going anywhere.The courts are there to protect you. They will. Most D Attorneys (that sorry lot) will tell you properly divisions are cut and dried. Don’t fill your mind with the what ifs and the unique little rules, that probably don’t apply to most people.

Money though starts at the time of the divorce so before that have both parties sign a letter stating they will pay half of everything till the divorce is settled.

[Anonymous]

I still think your sanity is more important than when you start money payments

any day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you an attorney? I did that and am about $40k down the drain and only three submissions of an agreement to my ex-spouse plus filing. With an obstinate person you have to do as much as you can without an attorney because you have to stop the costs from skyrocketing. Divorce is about money and custody. Big betrayals mean nothing. it's just a business document unless you think you can win more money through the betrayal which is also related to business. Set up some meetings and discuss it twice before hiring an attorney.

the big betrayals suggest that they may not be able to negotiate directly.

yeah it sucks if you have a litigious ex. but it’s also possible that if you get the offer down on paper with the help of lawyers then it won’t be so painful. if you have an ex making unreasonable demands then unfortunately you are going to need a lawyer in any event.

[Anonymous]

But that sounds reasonable

[Anonymous]

I didn’t pay half thu. I payed 2o percent.
Teacher : lawyer difference

[Anonymous]

Me (teacher): Ex (lawyer)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you an attorney? I did that and am about $40k down the drain and only three submissions of an agreement to my ex-spouse plus filing. With an obstinate person you have to do as much as you can without an attorney because you have to stop the costs from skyrocketing. Divorce is about money and custody. Big betrayals mean nothing. it's just a business document unless you think you can win more money through the betrayal which is also related to business. Set up some meetings and discuss it twice before hiring an attorney.

I regained control only once I fired my attorney. It was an amazing reversal. No action costs me money.

The courts started doing what I asked, which was fair. They were even helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

I filed everything myself. Court personnel answer questions

[Anonymous]

It is just a business document, correct.
Who is the better negotiator? You are.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for your input. The divorce is going to be finalized soon. Legally and financially and logistically things are being worked out, quickly.

What I am looking for, and put on is a Long, the lines of the first few responses, the divorce, care website, and other virtual support groups or message boards or otherwise. I need more emotional support then I’m getting now, even though I do have a therapist and good friends who are listening. I have young kids, so I can’t do in person support group meetings, rather, I was hoping for a virtual option, doesn’t even have to be live, can just be riding back-and-forth or I can get some advice or encouragement from others, who have been in my shoes.

Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I filed everything myself. Court personnel answer questions

That only works if you don’t actually have to make any legal arguments … if your ex wants more child support, custody, or assets, it would be exceedingly foolish to try to wing it.

[Anonymous]

Nope: Not my experience.