Remind me why we’re not supposed to get involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

1) your daughter needs to learn how to manage conflict among peers
2) your daughter needs to trust that she can come to you with a problem and not have you call someone's parents

There are some situations that require getting others involved. Kids this age cannot “manage” a barrage of bullies like that. If you have been paying attention to the news you would see that ignoring it and leaving your child to fend for themselves is dangerous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

Why? Because the little jerk's parents will not care. Will defend her. Will deflect to your child. And then the little jerk will be even worse to your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

Why? Because the little jerk's parents will not care. Will defend her. Will deflect to your child. And then the little jerk will be even worse to your kid.

I should add that there is a point where you would need to intervene if it becomes legit bullying, there is violence, or your child suffering mental/physical effects. But, just being a little ahole . . . that's not something to raise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

Why? Because the little jerk's parents will not care. Will defend her. Will deflect to your child. And then the little jerk will be even worse to your kid.

+1000

Talking to school will make it worse (they can’t enforce any real consequences) and the vast majority of parents will not care.

I warned my kids years ago that if I get a complaint that even COULD be legitimate, they’ll be losing all privileges until I’ve been assured by the bullied child and his/her parents that the situation has been truly rectified. They can either be nice in the first place , or sit at home doing nothing but studying and chores until they be can nice. Their choice.

Yes: there are situation that are more complex but why don’t parents take this seriously? The school has no real power at all- they have no leverage at all- but parents sure do. Goodbye electronics, goodbye phone, goodbye car, hello chores and sitting in your room doing nothing.

If you are a parent that allows your kid to bully- WHY do you??? I would love to hear a legit answer to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

Why? Because the little jerk's parents will not care. Will defend her. Will deflect to your child. And then the little jerk will be even worse to your kid.

+1000

Talking to school will make it worse (they can’t enforce any real consequences) and the vast majority of parents will not care.

I warned my kids years ago that if I get a complaint that even COULD be legitimate, they’ll be losing all privileges until I’ve been assured by the bullied child and his/her parents that the situation has been truly rectified. They can either be nice in the first place , or sit at home doing nothing but studying and chores until they be can nice. Their choice.

Yes: there are situation that are more complex but why don’t parents take this seriously? The school has no real power at all- they have no leverage at all- but parents sure do. Goodbye electronics, goodbye phone, goodbye car, hello chores and sitting in your room doing nothing.

If you are a parent that allows your kid to bully- WHY do you??? I would love to hear a legit answer to this.

Sadly there aren’t enough parents like you. My oldest daughter is tiny but has no fear. I’ve always told her to stand up if you see someone bullying . And you don’t get to laugh or ridicule other kids clothes. They can wear whatever they want, say something nice or nothing. Her teachers confirmed that she did stand up to anyone who was bullying or even laughing at another student. The students listened too.

The poster who said there was a video showing a group bullying her child, that’s too much for the 12 year old to handle alone. That video needs to be shown to the school and parents. I would even put it on Reddit with the faces blurred, if I knew how.

[Anonymous]

I’m the PP whose child received the video. Just picked her up from last day of school and she’s bawling. Ringleader mean girl approached her in the lunch room, threw a paper at her and walked away. It’s a nasty break up letter about why all the three girls don’t like her and don’t intend to be her friend anymore.

I’m beside myself. Staying very calm and letting DD know she has support but internally I’m so upset for her. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

Why? Because the little jerk's parents will not care. Will defend her. Will deflect to your child. And then the little jerk will be even worse to your kid.

+1000

Talking to school will make it worse (they can’t enforce any real consequences) and the vast majority of parents will not care.

I warned my kids years ago that if I get a complaint that even COULD be legitimate, they’ll be losing all privileges until I’ve been assured by the bullied child and his/her parents that the situation has been truly rectified. They can either be nice in the first place , or sit at home doing nothing but studying and chores until they be can nice. Their choice.

Yes: there are situation that are more complex but why don’t parents take this seriously? The school has no real power at all- they have no leverage at all- but parents sure do. Goodbye electronics, goodbye phone, goodbye car, hello chores and sitting in your room doing nothing.

If you are a parent that allows your kid to bully- WHY do you??? I would love to hear a legit answer to this.

Sadly there aren’t enough parents like you. My oldest daughter is tiny but has no fear. I’ve always told her to stand up if you see someone bullying . And you don’t get to laugh or ridicule other kids clothes. They can wear whatever they want, say something nice or nothing. Her teachers confirmed that she did stand up to anyone who was bullying or even laughing at another student. The students listened too.

The poster who said there was a video showing a group bullying her child, that’s too much for the 12 year old to handle alone. That video needs to be shown to the school and parents. I would even put it on Reddit with the faces blurred, if I knew how.

NP: I’d blur the faces and tweet it, tagging the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that it's learned behavior and the parents are unlikely to care. I would focus on teaching your dd skills to cope, and report to the school administration if it becomes necessary.

Usually the behavior is modeled by an older sibling or parent, but sometimes a family inexplicably has a bad seed.

could not agree more

[Anonymous]

My child is being evaluated for anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation, and possible PTSD from bullying this year. And this is 5th grade. You never ignore bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP whose child received the video. Just picked her up from last day of school and she’s bawling. Ringleader mean girl approached her in the lunch room, threw a paper at her and walked away. It’s a nasty break up letter about why all the three girls don’t like her and don’t intend to be her friend anymore.

I’m beside myself. Staying very calm and letting DD know she has support but internally I’m so upset for her. I don’t know what to do.

I am so very sorry to hear this. No kid should have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP whose child received the video. Just picked her up from last day of school and she’s bawling. Ringleader mean girl approached her in the lunch room, threw a paper at her and walked away. It’s a nasty break up letter about why all the three girls don’t like her and don’t intend to be her friend anymore.

I’m beside myself. Staying very calm and letting DD know she has support but internally I’m so upset for her. I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry she's going through this, PP.

Make sure she knows that her worth is not determined by 3 mean girls. Send the videos/texts/letter to the school. If you know the parents, send it to them as well. Just as an FYI, with no expectation that anything will be done about it. Work with your daughter on expanding her friends group, identifying and seeking out new friends, and ignoring the mean girls. Make sure she understands not to give these girls power over her, her confidence, her emotions, her sense of self worth, and that the opposite of friend, is not enemy (in this context). These kids should cease to exist, as far as she's concerned. She doesn't know them, she doesn't see them, she doesn't acknowledge them - they're invisible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

Wow, just wow. Horrid. so you actually have concrete evidence- Personally I would indeed send it to all the parents of the kids involved. At least they can’t deny it (which most parents will do if there is no evidence). Particularly since these kids are only 12!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP whose child received the video. Just picked her up from last day of school and she’s bawling. Ringleader mean girl approached her in the lunch room, threw a paper at her and walked away. It’s a nasty break up letter about why all the three girls don’t like her and don’t intend to be her friend anymore.

I’m beside myself. Staying very calm and letting DD know she has support but internally I’m so upset for her. I don’t know what to do.

So sorry PP.
Don't know what grad your DD is, but anyway to pull her from this school. She needs to see these girls in the rear view mirror only.

[Anonymous]

^^^
Sorry for the typos. Phone keyboard typing

[Anonymous]

OP, I would want to be told, as well. I would take it seriously and actually not tell my child about the conversation. Instead, I would address it as a whole approach and emphasize better behavior with everyone.

Parents get extremely defensive about their children and find negative feedback to be very difficult.

I don't believe that all kids who bully are mimicking their parents. Sometimes, kids are just sh$ts on their own accord. They are their own people, to a degree. So, don't assume that their parents are equally bad. But, it is fairly safe to assume that their parents will have a hard time taking in the information. My neighbor teaches MS and gets it all the time.

A kid on the MS bus was making fun of other kids. A parent reported him. The kid went around, getting in kids' faces, asking who reported him. The behavior didn't stop. I've seen this happen several times.

You can ask the school for their suggestions. Ultimately, your kid will have to figure out how to deal with jerks. It sucks.