Remind me why we’re not supposed to get involved

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in middle school there was some drama and the girl's parents did get involved and it made the rest of us madder. It made the situation worse for her.

What was the drama?

I mean typical middle school drama, I assume - dumb stuff that wouldn’t happen to me now but happened when I was 13 and cared about being cool - something I don’t care about now. A girl told me a secret. I told two of our mutual girl friends the secret (even though I shouldn’t have). Then they told a few other people and word got back to the original girl. Then she got mad at me for telling the secret. Then we all got mad at her for getting mad at me and didn’t want to hang out with her. And then her dad tried to get involved and it made it worse.

LOL I remember stuff like that. It taught me a valuable lesson to NEVER tell a secret to a friend from school. That dad sounds like the good kind of dad tho. In the short term she lost a lot socially, but in the long term I bet she always remembers her dad stuck up for her.

DD will tell me her friends’ secrets, especially if she thinks that they are the unhealthy sort, and she needs an adult perspective. This is because she knows I won’t get involved unless necessary. She will not share friends’ secrets with anyone else. And she only shares her secrets with two other girls, because they will not spread them around either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in middle school there was some drama and the girl's parents did get involved and it made the rest of us madder. It made the situation worse for her.

What was the drama?

I mean typical middle school drama, I assume - dumb stuff that wouldn’t happen to me now but happened when I was 13 and cared about being cool - something I don’t care about now. A girl told me a secret. I told two of our mutual girl friends the secret (even though I shouldn’t have). Then they told a few other people and word got back to the original girl. Then she got mad at me for telling the secret. Then we all got mad at her for getting mad at me and didn’t want to hang out with her. And then her dad tried to get involved and it made it worse.

LOL I remember stuff like that. It taught me a valuable lesson to NEVER tell a secret to a friend from school. That dad sounds like the good kind of dad tho. In the short term she lost a lot socially, but in the long term I bet she always remembers her dad stuck up for her.

DD will tell me her friends’ secrets, especially if she thinks that they are the unhealthy sort, and she needs an adult perspective. This is because she knows I won’t get involved unless necessary. She will not share friends’ secrets with anyone else. And she only shares her secrets with two other girls, because they will not spread them around either.

That's what everyone thinks, then the next day some kid you don't hang out with comes up to you and says "hey, i heard you do/like/think blah blah blah."

I learned to feed people fake tame "secrets" so it would seem like I was strengthening bonds by sharing personal stuff, without ever actually revealing anything high stakes. For example one time the manipulative leader of our little friend group decided that we all had to share our crushes. I said my crush was the neighbor boy of my out-of-state grandma that I spent a lot of time with. Added lots of BS details that seemed to satisfy her so I didn't have to reveal my actual school crush. My good friend revealed her actual school crush and then surprise surprise, everyone at school knew.

Man I do not miss middle school!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in middle school there was some drama and the girl's parents did get involved and it made the rest of us madder. It made the situation worse for her.

What was the drama?

I mean typical middle school drama, I assume - dumb stuff that wouldn’t happen to me now but happened when I was 13 and cared about being cool - something I don’t care about now. A girl told me a secret. I told two of our mutual girl friends the secret (even though I shouldn’t have). Then they told a few other people and word got back to the original girl. Then she got mad at me for telling the secret. Then we all got mad at her for getting mad at me and didn’t want to hang out with her. And then her dad tried to get involved and it made it worse.

LOL I remember stuff like that. It taught me a valuable lesson to NEVER tell a secret to a friend from school. That dad sounds like the good kind of dad tho. In the short term she lost a lot socially, but in the long term I bet she always remembers her dad stuck up for her.

I hope she’s doing well! I still feel bad about it. She moved shortly thereafter so I couldn’t later apologize when I “grew up.”

[Anonymous]

Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in middle school there was some drama and the girl's parents did get involved and it made the rest of us madder. It made the situation worse for her.

What was the drama?

I mean typical middle school drama, I assume - dumb stuff that wouldn’t happen to me now but happened when I was 13 and cared about being cool - something I don’t care about now. A girl told me a secret. I told two of our mutual girl friends the secret (even though I shouldn’t have). Then they told a few other people and word got back to the original girl. Then she got mad at me for telling the secret. Then we all got mad at her for getting mad at me and didn’t want to hang out with her. And then her dad tried to get involved and it made it worse.

LOL I remember stuff like that. It taught me a valuable lesson to NEVER tell a secret to a friend from school. That dad sounds like the good kind of dad tho. In the short term she lost a lot socially, but in the long term I bet she always remembers her dad stuck up for her.

One of the girls, she’s been friends with since third grade. The other is new, but she’s apparently shared her secrets with DD as well, and she says it would cause her much more embarrassment to have those revealed.

DD will tell me her friends’ secrets, especially if she thinks that they are the unhealthy sort, and she needs an adult perspective. This is because she knows I won’t get involved unless necessary. She will not share friends’ secrets with anyone else. And she only shares her secrets with two other girls, because they will not spread them around either.

That's what everyone thinks, then the next day some kid you don't hang out with comes up to you and says "hey, i heard you do/like/think blah blah blah."

I learned to feed people fake tame "secrets" so it would seem like I was strengthening bonds by sharing personal stuff, without ever actually revealing anything high stakes. For example one time the manipulative leader of our little friend group decided that we all had to share our crushes. I said my crush was the neighbor boy of my out-of-state grandma that I spent a lot of time with. Added lots of BS details that seemed to satisfy her so I didn't have to reveal my actual school crush. My good friend revealed her actual school crush and then surprise surprise, everyone at school knew.

Man I do not miss middle school!

[Anonymous]

It’s really better to coach your DD to navigate this herself the best she can. There are mean bullies everywhere. How do you deal with them? You don’t call their parents. . . You minimize contact with them, sometimes confront them, sometimes employ humor to point out their own stupidity. Read Queen Bees and Wanna Bees together as it has good practical advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in middle school there was some drama and the girl's parents did get involved and it made the rest of us madder. It made the situation worse for her.

What was the drama?

I mean typical middle school drama, I assume - dumb stuff that wouldn’t happen to me now but happened when I was 13 and cared about being cool - something I don’t care about now. A girl told me a secret. I told two of our mutual girl friends the secret (even though I shouldn’t have). Then they told a few other people and word got back to the original girl. Then she got mad at me for telling the secret. Then we all got mad at her for getting mad at me and didn’t want to hang out with her. And then her dad tried to get involved and it made it worse.

LOL I remember stuff like that. It taught me a valuable lesson to NEVER tell a secret to a friend from school. That dad sounds like the good kind of dad tho. In the short term she lost a lot socially, but in the long term I bet she always remembers her dad stuck up for her.

DD will tell me her friends’ secrets, especially if she thinks that they are the unhealthy sort, and she needs an adult perspective. This is because she knows I won’t get involved unless necessary. She will not share friends’ secrets with anyone else. And she only shares her secrets with two other girls, because they will not spread them around either.

That's what everyone thinks, then the next day some kid you don't hang out with comes up to you and says "hey, i heard you do/like/think blah blah blah."

I learned to feed people fake tame "secrets" so it would seem like I was strengthening bonds by sharing personal stuff, without ever actually revealing anything high stakes. For example one time the manipulative leader of our little friend group decided that we all had to share our crushes. I said my crush was the neighbor boy of my out-of-state grandma that I spent a lot of time with. Added lots of BS details that seemed to satisfy her so I didn't have to reveal my actual school crush. My good friend revealed her actual school crush and then surprise surprise, everyone at school knew.

Man I do not miss middle school!

One of the girls, she’s been friends with since third grade. The other is new, but she’s apparently shared her secrets with DD as well, and she says it would cause her much more embarrassment to have those revealed.

She says the thing about sharing secrets is to make sure it’s mutual, and the other person has at least as much at stake as you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

That is bullying--what vicious girls! In that case I might alert the parent of the ringleader, but regardless I'd be so thankful it's the poor kid's last day of school! I hope she has enjoyable activities planned this summer as she gets away from this nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

Oh with those kinds of receipts I would be straight up at the school. You have proof! That is absolutely bullying!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that it's learned behavior and the parents are unlikely to care. I would focus on teaching your dd skills to cope, and report to the school administration if it becomes necessary.

This. My dd was being bullied at school be a group of mean girls. I reported it to the administration and they had a school meeting (small private school). These particular girls have been a problem since lower school. I guess things improved for dd, but now the family of the ringleader have decided to not return next year (these are lifers) and from what I hear through the grapevine, it’s because they feel that their dd is unfairly targeted for being a bully 🙄

[Anonymous]

Can you ever tell the school? I remember a year long bullying event that all the teachers just ignored despite it being in plain sight. I feel like the teacher should have intervened and/or tried to help kids have healthier connections with that going on all year. I agree the parents aren't the ones to talk to, but the people directly involved as adults I feel should do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

With texts like that I would definitely tell the school. I’d be tempted to cc the parents too.
DDs former Best friend is the daughter of a friend of mine and sent nasty texts. I urged the mom to read them but she said, oh, I don’t want to get involved. None of us want to think our kids are capable of being that cruel. It’s really hard to stand by and watch it all tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get that it’s middle school drama but I would really want to be told if my dd was bullying, harassing, spreading rumors. She doesn’t want me to reach out to anyone but I don’t understand how we should expect them to learn how to behave. Am I the only one?

1) your daughter needs to learn how to manage conflict among peers
2) your daughter needs to trust that she can come to you with a problem and not have you call someone's parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it drama or bullying? There is a difference. Bullying does not go away when ignored. Adults must intervene with consequences.

https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/on-the-spot

Currently dealing with this. My 12 year old has, in the last few weeks, received iPhone videos of a group of kids mocking her, nasty text messages filled with profanity and vicious commentary on how everyone hates her and why, and now a message about how everyone will be gathering for a last day of school party today and they’re purposely not inviting her so she can see for herself that everyone hates her.

Is this drama or bullying? I think just drama but if it doesn’t stop, where does it cross the line?

That is straight up bullying. Send copies to the school and their parents. This is as clear a bullying incident as you can get. Make an official complaint which involves filling out a form. By law they are required to investigate it.

There are so many cases publicized where children as young as 10 years old who killed themselves over this type of hate. Take it very seriously.