Spouse mentally checked out of marriage

[Anonymous]

Spouse G checks out of family life and focuses on self and work
…then….
Spouse Y checks on out Spouse G, but cannot/does not check out of family, work or social life but does check out on Spouse G.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

I mean, if you divorce, you still won’t have a partner. Better the devil you know, so to speak, so if counseling can help, I would try it.

The PP already knows what it's like not to have a partner, as do I. At least if she/we were single, there would be one less person to have to care for and manage. She'll never be an empty nester as long as her husband is living with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Np.

I have the same dynamic in my household with kids, both parents work, etc. The kids, grandparents, friends and neighbors all know he doesn’t lift a finger at all and is incompetent.

I, however, am very competent, have a c level position, raised the kids myself, take care of the house and yard myself, set and plan all goals myself (and now kids do for themselves- the surpasses their dad years ago in maturity and competence), and have many vibrant social circles locally and elsewhere.

So flip the switch and be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You are a successful mother, father, homeowner, teacher, coach, manager. And you do not have to respect or trust or rely on your incompetent spouse for anything. Move on mentally! He won’t change, so leave him in the dust to tag along when he can catch up. You’ll be busy.

PP here married for 25+ years and checked out. Thank you for this! It's sometimes easy to forget to take pride in what I've done. I should be more mindful of appreciating what I've done rather than the LOE it took to do it. Hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

I mean, if you divorce, you still won’t have a partner. Better the devil you know, so to speak, so if counseling can help, I would try it.

The PP already knows what it's like not to have a partner, as do I. At least if she/we were single, there would be one less person to have to care for and manage. She'll never be an empty nester as long as her husband is living with her.

PP here. Right on! It's not just one less person to have to manage, it's the ending of the emotional toll of wanting a partner. It's the freedom from having to consider him! It's removing a cloud to let the sunshine in! There's no unknown 'devil' here! It will be easier alone!

[Anonymous]

He was probably raised in a dysfunctional home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He was probably raised in a dysfunctional home.

And/or with mental disorder or Ld parent(s). It’s genetic too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol

“dH will step up later/finally after the kids move out.”

lol.

It’s just fine to realize and state that some people never step up. They don’t. Those people exist. Don’t make excuses. It’s not mean to say.
There are people who don’t step up.
There are stupid people.
There are incapable people.
There are lying people.
There are total idiots.

They all exist, in day to day life.

The key is to ID them and avoid, and if you’re stuck with them, detach and never give them important stuff to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol. Step back don’t do it and “se wheat happens”

Lol

Here’s what happens: it doesn’t get done, things start stinking and breaking, your repair and replacement bills go up or you just live with broken things or no things. Or pour out money due to zero maintenance.
The car engines dies. No oil change for 5 years.
The generate doesn’t work. Left the gas in all year.
The plates are all chipped, broken printers pile up in the basement, the pillows and bedding stink, there is Lisa all over the toilet and seat, the husbands shower won’t drain, there are shaving whiskers all over, lots of groceries go rotten and stay in the fridge forever, the stack of mail moves from the counter to the corner floor- unopened.

[Anonymous]

Out of mind, out of sight.

It’s a good book too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol

“dH will step up later/finally after the kids move out.”

lol.

It’s just fine to realize and state that some people never step up. They don’t. Those people exist. Don’t make excuses. It’s not mean to say.
There are people who don’t step up.
There are stupid people.
There are incapable people.
There are lying people.
There are total idiots.

They all exist, in day to day life.

The key is to ID them and avoid, and if you’re stuck with them, detach and never give them important stuff to do.

I’m sure her DH lives a functional life before he married PP. it just his way of doing things wasn’t to her level of “completeness” so he just stopped. If she stepped back, he would return to his bachelor ways. Sure it won’t be Maths Stewart, but will be fine. PP would prefer to blow up her marriage than unclench? That’s her decision

[Anonymous]

Ask him to take you golfing and teach you the game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol. Step back don’t do it and “se wheat happens”

Lol

Here’s what happens: it doesn’t get done, things start stinking and breaking, your repair and replacement bills go up or you just live with broken things or no things. Or pour out money due to zero maintenance.
The car engines dies. No oil change for 5 years.
The generate doesn’t work. Left the gas in all year.
The plates are all chipped, broken printers pile up in the basement, the pillows and bedding stink, there is Lisa all over the toilet and seat, the husbands shower won’t drain, there are shaving whiskers all over, lots of groceries go rotten and stay in the fridge forever, the stack of mail moves from the counter to the corner floor- unopened.

So when you were dating, his house was like this and you still decided to close the deal???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol

“dH will step up later/finally after the kids move out.”

lol.

It’s just fine to realize and state that some people never step up. They don’t. Those people exist. Don’t make excuses. It’s not mean to say.
There are people who don’t step up.
There are stupid people.
There are incapable people.
There are lying people.
There are total idiots.

They all exist, in day to day life.

The key is to ID them and avoid, and if you’re stuck with them, detach and never give them important stuff to do.

I’m sure her DH lives a functional life before he married PP. it just his way of doing things wasn’t to her level of “completeness” so he just stopped. If she stepped back, he would return to his bachelor ways. Sure it won’t be Maths Stewart, but will be fine. PP would prefer to blow up her marriage than unclench? That’s her decision

DP. Sounds like the whole reason the PP checked out of the marriage is because her husband continues to indulge in his bachelor ways while she had to adapt to having a home and a family.

Of course, if you come from money and continue to have money, you've always outsourced your work and, therefore, you really didn't have to do much. I miss those carefree days where the landlord took care of all the maintenance, the housekeeper cleaned and I ate most meals out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Once kids are out of the house, you need to let things slide. You DH will step up. You sound major type A and I’m sure when he has done stuff it “wasn’t to your standards” so he has shrunk back. This is a common dynamic.

You are breadwinner, just don’t do things for the “household” and see what happens. Your kids should be old enough to help too.

Lol

“dH will step up later/finally after the kids move out.”

lol.

It’s just fine to realize and state that some people never step up. They don’t. Those people exist. Don’t make excuses. It’s not mean to say.
There are people who don’t step up.
There are stupid people.
There are incapable people.
There are lying people.
There are total idiots.

They all exist, in day to day life.

The key is to ID them and avoid, and if you’re stuck with them, detach and never give them important stuff to do.

I’m sure her DH lives a functional life before he married PP. it just his way of doing things wasn’t to her level of “completeness” so he just stopped. If she stepped back, he would return to his bachelor ways. Sure it won’t be Maths Stewart, but will be fine. PP would prefer to blow up her marriage than unclench? That’s her decision

He did just that. When faced with the reality of being a spouse and raising kids he reverted back to his bachelor days: work at office, eat, tv, sleep.

That’s the damn problem.

He didn’t grow and adapt to the reality of being an adult or a spouse or a parent or a property owner. He devolved. And never “stepped up” (ie was an adult)