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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years.  I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not.  He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself.  I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage.  I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks.  I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning.  I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship.  I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.[/quote]

25 years, you must be empty nest.  WTH burdens do you carry???[/quote]

I'm the PP.  We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks.  I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything.  I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done.  I'm tired of being the manager of everything.  I want/deserve a partner.  I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship. [/quote]

Np.

I have the same dynamic in my household with kids, both parents work, etc.  The kids, grandparents, friends and neighbors all know he doesn’t lift a finger at all and is incompetent.

I, however, am very competent, have a c level position, raised the kids myself, take care of the house and yard myself, set and plan all goals myself (and now kids do for themselves- the surpasses their dad years ago in maturity and competence), and have many vibrant social circles locally and elsewhere.

So flip the switch and be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You are a successful mother, father, homeowner, teacher, coach, manager.  And you do not have to respect or trust or rely on your incompetent spouse for anything. Move on mentally! He won’t change, so leave him in the dust to tag along when he can catch up. You’ll be busy. [/quote]

PP here married for 25+ years and checked out. Thank you for this! It's sometimes easy to forget to take pride in what I've done. I should be more mindful of appreciating what I've done rather than the LOE it took to do it. Hugs to you![/quote]

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