Reply to Spouse mentally checked out of marriage

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years.  I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not.  He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself.  I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage.  I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks.  I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning.  I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship.  I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.[/quote]

25 years, you must be empty nest.  WTH burdens do you carry???[/quote]

I'm the PP.  We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks.  I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything.  I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done.  I'm tired of being the manager of everything.  I want/deserve a partner.  I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship. [/quote]

I mean, if you divorce, you still won’t have a partner.  Better the devil you know, so to speak, so if counseling can help, I would try it.[/quote]

The PP already knows what it's like not to have a partner, as do I. At least if she/we were single, there would be one less person to have to care for and manage. She'll never be an empty nester as long as her husband is living with her.[/quote]

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