Spouse mentally checked out of marriage

[Anonymous]

I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine too. Anniversary today. All signs lead to that he forgot for the third year in a row. But he wouldn't forget a golf time!

So you know he isn't good at this marriage date thing, make a reservation send him the invite and send him some flowers or something. He'll learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine too. Anniversary today. All signs lead to that he forgot for the third year in a row. But he wouldn't forget a golf time!

So you know he isn't good at this marriage date thing, make a reservation send him the invite and send him some flowers or something. He'll learn.

+1. I usually ask DH a few days before our anniversary what we are doing that night. I’m not a big anniversary person, it DH thinks it’s a big deal. I start the conversation so I know what I’m suppose to do?

Do you and your spouse plan the anniversary celebration together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.

The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.

Speak up like an adult and tell him this is a big deal to you.

I don't know why you're so hung up on golf - my husband golfs all the time and is very thoughtful.

Sigh. She already did that.

DP here. I don’t play gotcha with my spouse. I say, “Next week for our anniversary should we go to X or Y restaurant?” We discuss and one of us makes the reservation and puts it on our calendars. I don’t remain silent waiting for the day to come to “test” him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.

The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.

Speak up like an adult and tell him this is a big deal to you.

I don't know why you're so hung up on golf - my husband golfs all the time and is very thoughtful.

Sigh. She already did that.

DP here. I don’t play gotcha with my spouse. I say, “Next week for our anniversary should we go to X or Y restaurant?” We discuss and one of us makes the reservation and puts it on our calendars. I don’t remain silent waiting for the day to come to “test” him.

You are very self-actualized. Big gold star on your homework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

+1. 15 years in and I’m a shadow of my former self. My DH has just completely sucked the life out of me. I’m giving myself a year to get my crap together and get my systems in place, and then I’m cutting him loose. Not interested in counseling. You can’t fix what was never right to begin with, and I’m just not interested in salvaging anything but a respectful coparent relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spouse mentally checked out of marriage.

Kids, house, pets, friends, all set; treats partner purely practically as housemate, coparent. Polite but not interested.

Any way so save it?

Your spouse may be at fault here, but I'm going to urge you to examine your own behavior. Because I think my husband could write this and there's a good reason why he's a housemate. I won't say co-parent because he's not. He's an assistant parent, maybe.

I've done every bit of planning, prep, execution, thinking, volunteering, organizing, etc. for the family for the last two decades. He simply blows in and out at will and expects a ticker tape parade if he puts forth minimal effort. I'm burned out.

+1
I emotionally detached from my facade of a “life partner” years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse mentally checked out of marriage.

Kids, house, pets, friends, all set; treats partner purely practically as housemate, coparent. Polite but not interested.

Any way so save it?

Did you check out first in family life, house life, and spouse life?

How have you really been spending your time the last 1,5,10 years? And sitting on the couch not talking to anyone isn’t connecting or moving the ball FW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Btw, it absolutely sucks if he forgot the anniversary, but if you don't say something, you're part of the problem. People in healthy marriages speak up for their needs.

The first year he forgot, I got upset. More on the mad spectrum, but let it go, figured everyone messes up periodically and it's not a big deal. Last year, for our 15th, he forgot again and I explicitly told him how hurt I was, that maybe one year I understood, but for a 15-year anniversary that one hurt, and we had a whole conversation about how much it means to me to be remembered in this way, more than my birthday, which I don't care about. He said he understood and would "do better." I was out of town until last night on a work trip so my head was elsewhere and not on passively reminding him. We don't share calendars, he doesn't look at the paper one I keep in the kitchen, etc. I don't know how much more I can do and still feel valued. But seriously, never in a million years would he forget golf. It's very specifically a "me" thing.

Speak up like an adult and tell him this is a big deal to you.

I don't know why you're so hung up on golf - my husband golfs all the time and is very thoughtful.

Sigh. She already did that.

DP here. I don’t play gotcha with my spouse. I say, “Next week for our anniversary should we go to X or Y restaurant?” We discuss and one of us makes the reservation and puts it on our calendars. I don’t remain silent waiting for the day to come to “test” him.

This! Why is it on DH to plan anniversary and not you? DH and I start talking about what we want to do for anniversary about a month in advance. A lot of the fun is planning together and then having something to look forward to all month. You are a team and it is up to both of you to make the other feel special

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

I mean, if you divorce, you still won’t have a partner. Better the devil you know, so to speak, so if counseling can help, I would try it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW and I've checked out of the marriage after 25+ years. I recognized that despite my repeated, articulate pleadings for my husband to pick up more of the load and relieve me of the burdens I'm carrying, he will not. He's not a bad guy but is unable/unwilling to put forth a sustained effort to be a partner. Sure, he has ADHD/depression but while that may explain some of the challenges, it doesn't obviate the fact that I am worn out, exhausted, have no reserve, am no longer resilient, can no longer sustain the load.

I've recognized that I cannot expect any changes from him so I'm focusing on what I can control, myself. I have communicated clearly to him that I'm intending to separate/divorce but I have no doubt he has, again, ignored what I saw and is, instead, only seeing that I have checked out of the marriage. I am making plans independent of him and re-establishing networks. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but while it was really beneficial in the past, the problems we have have been present in our relationship since the beginning. I recognize that even if things change, it will be temporary and that if I want my life to be different I cannot expect it to be so in my current relationship. I'd go to counseling if he suggested it but don't expect to change my mind this time. I'm sure he'll be shocked.

25 years, you must be empty nest. WTH burdens do you carry???

I'm the PP. We are not empty nesters but even if we were, we, unlike you, don't have money to outsource household chores/tasks. I am not only the primary breadwinner, I also have to manage the entire household/home. I'm tired of being the one who is responsible for managing everything. I'm tired of having complete responsibility for identifying eveything that needs to be done. I'm tired of being the manager of everything. I want/deserve a partner. I recognize I don't have one and will not be getting one in this relationship.

Np.

I have the same dynamic in my household with kids, both parents work, etc. The kids, grandparents, friends and neighbors all know he doesn’t lift a finger at all and is incompetent.

I, however, am very competent, have a c level position, raised the kids myself, take care of the house and yard myself, set and plan all goals myself (and now kids do for themselves- the surpasses their dad years ago in maturity and competence), and have many vibrant social circles locally and elsewhere.

So flip the switch and be proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You are a successful mother, father, homeowner, teacher, coach, manager. And you do not have to respect or trust or rely on your incompetent spouse for anything. Move on mentally! He won’t change, so leave him in the dust to tag along when he can catch up. You’ll be busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine too. Anniversary today. All signs lead to that he forgot for the third year in a row. But he wouldn't forget a golf time!

Lol, suck3r

[Anonymous]

Just popping up to add to the roll call of spouses who do everything and probably seem checked out of the marriage.

Short version: My spouse makes my life harder. I miss the days when he had weeks of business travel.