Buying gifts for inlaws--whose job?

[Anonymous]

I’ve told DH he is in charge of gifts for his family multiple times, which means things don’t get purchased and then gets mad AT ME when he forgets because now he looks like a bad uncle.

[Anonymous]

Exchanging birthday cards is not something my family of origin does. We call on birthdays and perhaps send gifts, but do not send cards.

Husbands family does exchange cards and so he is in charge of selecting and sending cards. It is not something that occurs to me to do.

Gifts we sort of do half and half. This year I saw something I knew my tween niece would really enjoy for her bday so I took care of that one. DH handled my nephew’s gift when it became close to his bday and neither of us had any ideas of what to get. We don’t really count this and that- it all sort of works out in the end in a balanced way.

[Anonymous]

It can be anyone's job in your family. But your family needs to decide and follow through. In our family it is my job. I buy the gifts, send the cards/text messages/emails. That is what works for our family. My DH has other tasks that he does that I take no part in. This is what has worked in our family since we started dating in college. Married 23 years.

[Anonymous]

Don't hate me, but I buy them all. We come from small families with no nieces/nephews as our siblings didn't marry. It's really not a burden to buy gifts for everyone and I actually like it (the burden is MY mom! She's very hard to shop for). I even get them cards and a week before the event I force dh to write the cards. There's a lot I can't stand about inlaw responsibilities, but shopping isn't one of them. They're easy to purchase things for and I really like buying my SIL gifts since we have the same taste. Dh's family even fills out Amazon wishlists.

I refuse to do a lot regarding inlaws. I will NOT mediate calls between them and the kids, nor will I do their facetimes. My kids are little and they're monsters on facetime. I'm also not planning trips to see them. If dh wants to see them, he needs to plan it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here--DH and I both work equivalent jobs, so not like I have extra bandwidth. I get along enough with his family, but we aren't close. Don't see them much. In fairness, he isn't close to them either. They are traditional, though, so they will look down on us as a family (and probably more me than him) if there are no gifts/cards from us. It does create awkwardness.
Plugging all of this into his calendar sounds like a good idea.

Just stop!! If he isn’t close to them and never sends a gift again, why do you care?

[Anonymous]

I used to do both sides but then realized this was one more area where society is taking advantage of free labor from women. So now we each do our own side. I may remind me occasionally but his brother is really good about gifts so family peer pressure of not wanting to be the laggard helped him stay motivated to stay on top of these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Niece on DHs side is having a baby. I've asked him multiple times to send something from the registry. He keeps "forgetting." Same thing happens for any birthday, holiday, wedding, etc. I nag a bunch. Then either I break down and purchase the gifts. Or we end up not sending or not sending on time, and look like jerks. Same applies to birthday cards, father's day cards, etc.
Just venting, but curious how many moms buy all the gifts and cards for spouse's family.

I honestly don't understand how couples like yours last (or if they last). Stop bean counting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t understand why some women think they need to take charge of a grown man’s relationship with his family, and what that needs to look like.

My brother is a great person who loves his family. He shows us that by calling and texting, visiting, and inviting us over for holidays, etc. He doesn’t do gifts, but he does call for birthdays and holidays that we aren’t together. He also sends my mom flowers for Mother’s Day and usually takes my dad out to lunch or something else that’s fairly low-key.

And that’s fine. He’s a grown adult, and he’s not big into giving (or receiving) gifts. I’m glad his significant other doesn’t pressure him or wheedle or whine or “take over.” His SO is great and often joins in on the call, or sends a text, and is generally very friendly with us.

As for the argument of “well then if he doesn’t send a gift, they think we’re bad people.” First of all, so what? No one is owed a gift, and acting entitled to one makes you the bad person and not the other way around. Second, why aren’t you replying, “I guess the son you raised doesn’t send cards or gifts.”

If it a your husband's brother, you would have a big problem with him being low key. That would have made him a loser.

[Anonymous]

Here's how I learned to deal with it:

Gifts for babies, young kids, new parents--I buy for both sides, knowing that DH will be lost and won't get it done.

Gifts for adults on his side are on him. If he drops the ball, so be it.

[Anonymous]

I used to sometimes send things, now I don’t and nothing gets sent.
If I had a good relationship with his family, I think I would have continued.

[Anonymous]

I handle nieces and nephews because I know DH won’t and they are kids that I care about. He handles his own parents and siblings. He often forgets, but it’s on him at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here--DH and I both work equivalent jobs, so not like I have extra bandwidth. I get along enough with his family, but we aren't close. Don't see them much. In fairness, he isn't close to them either. They are traditional, though, so they will look down on us as a family (and probably more me than him) if there are no gifts/cards from us. It does create awkwardness.
Plugging all of this into his calendar sounds like a good idea.

This is something you can work on. It's only awkward if you are feeling it. You are only responsible for your feelings, no one elses. If anyone says anything to you, put your mask of blitheness on and remark that your DH is responsible and then ask about the local pro sports team.

I'm indifferent about you plugging dates into his calendar. Whatever makes you feel better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is his responsibility but, that's marriage. You make up for each other's shortcomings. Hopefully there are things he is doing that support you, too.

NP, and this would be a fair deal if in fact there were things he does that I don't. He earns more money than I do, but then, I do everything else to keep our household running so he's able to lean harder into his career and still have a family.

I suspect this is true for a lot of women married to men.

I make his life easier, he makes mine harder. I'm not taking on the additional responsibility of buying his family presents.

+1 except I've always made a lot more than DH (even though by DCUM standards we're poors). Been married 25+ years and we're back in counseling over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Niece on DHs side is having a baby. I've asked him multiple times to send something from the registry. He keeps "forgetting." Same thing happens for any birthday, holiday, wedding, etc. I nag a bunch. Then either I break down and purchase the gifts. Or we end up not sending or not sending on time, and look like jerks. Same applies to birthday cards, father's day cards, etc.
Just venting, but curious how many moms buy all the gifts and cards for spouse's family.

I honestly don't understand how couples like yours last (or if they last). Stop bean counting.

It's not bean counting when it's boulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH buys for his family. I buy for mine.
We’re both busy people

This. We usually review every 1-3 days what family things we are doing/tracking. If one of us is busy and the other less so, then we discuss the plans for the next few days, we may ask the other to take care of the issue, but it is usually lumped into "family chores" when we redistributed the load for the next few days.

But without discussion, we assume what the PP said.