If you're in a long term (15, 20+ year) marriage, what do you talk about with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Everything. Kids/school/work, hockey, Track, football, vacation/travel, news and current events, family celebrations such as birthday/wedding/baby showers, buying another property, moving, games we play, movies, how much I miss my dad and friends back home, funny memes/reels we send each other throughout the day, what I want him to do to me later. Anything and everything!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid, dog, funny stuff on IG, shows we watch together, making fancy cocktails and what we like or dislike about them, his job, my job, retirement and college savings, our extended families, travel aspirations if we can ever afford it.

All of this is high level discussion and tends towards the practical. I wish my husband was the type to discuss politics, literature, or philosophy but he just isn’t. I have those kinds of conversations with friends.

Six months ago we weren’t talking at all and our marriage was at a breaking point. Couples therapy has improved things a lot. The therapist told us flat out: either schedule time to be with each other or this marriage isn’t going to survive. We pencil it in now and it’s working!

Couples therapy itself is one way to get conversation started.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid, dog, funny stuff on IG, shows we watch together, making fancy cocktails and what we like or dislike about them, his job, my job, retirement and college savings, our extended families, travel aspirations if we can ever afford it.

All of this is high level discussion and tends towards the practical. I wish my husband was the type to discuss politics, literature, or philosophy but he just isn’t. I have those kinds of conversations with friends.

Six months ago we weren’t talking at all and our marriage was at a breaking point. Couples therapy has improved things a lot. The therapist told us flat out: either schedule time to be with each other or this marriage isn’t going to survive. We pencil it in now and it’s working!

This. Treat it like any other obligation. Oil changes, dentist appointments, HVAC filters - maintain it or lose it.

[Anonymous]

Kids and neighborhood tea.

[Anonymous]

Work
Kids (they aren't graduated HS yet) so also their activities/sports
Family members
Inside Jokes
Plans for future once kids leave
Our fave TV shows
Vacation plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about.

-Future plans. Husband is not a planner. He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc. This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage. It stresses him out so we don't talk about it.
-Kids. Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans. So he won't engage.
-Work. I don't understand his work. It's highly technical. This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more. His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me
being frustrated).
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases).
-Hobbies. We have none. Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)). His: tech things that again I don't understand. If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech.
I long for typewriter of my childhood. (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone).
-Other people. We do have this. It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.



Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment. Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore.

Take a class together (tennis, pickle ball, cooking, wine tasting - basically anything). You don’t have to talk during the class much, and then afterwards you have something to discuss! Seriously, just do something a little different together.

[Anonymous]

Nothing. Which is why we are divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Not much. I find myself tuning dh out when he talks because I really don’t have an interest in much of what he is saying.

[Anonymous]

Work, kids stuff, meal planning, social events coming up, shows. It’s boring.

[Anonymous]

We talk about random stuff. News, our day, kids, gossip, health stuff, he asks what’s for dessert daily and I explain that desserts are sometimes treats not daily treats (unless he wants to bake them). I have face blindness so we play the “do you know who that is?” game a lot. We also play the “guess what year that person was born” game, but it’s not as fun now that people born in this century can drink. We also make dirty jokes and ask where our glasses or the remote control are. He makes lots of puns, and then I make fun of him for making puns.

We’ve been married for 22 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We talk about random stuff. News, our day, kids, gossip, health stuff, he asks what’s for dessert daily and I explain that desserts are sometimes treats not daily treats (unless he wants to bake them). I have face blindness so we play the “do you know who that is?” game a lot. We also play the “guess what year that person was born” game, but it’s not as fun now that people born in this century can drink. We also make dirty jokes and ask where our glasses or the remote control are. He makes lots of puns, and then I make fun of him for making puns.

We’ve been married for 22 years.

We also watch jeopardy a few times a week and sort of play along. So many different topics come up during that time, we usually pause it and have some side conversations that the different categories spark.

[Anonymous]

Have some downtime together where you sit and watch tv. Find a show you can both enjoy, even if it’s nature or nova. if your lives are pretty stressful, don’t add another task for both of your plates like a new shared hobby.

If you can’t talk about his job activities, what about the people there. Ie did larlo get fired yet? Did larla have her baby? I don’t think it’s gossipy at all to be interested in his work life culture.

[Anonymous]

OP: your DH sounds very anxious based on the long list of things he can’t/won’t talk about. I’d start there. How can he reduce his anxiety?

I’ll also affirm for you that it’s unfair that he can’t/won’t discuss his job situation even though it’s negatively impacting your relationship.

I highly recommend marriage therapy (Gottman helped us a lot).

My DH is also anxious so I’ve found myself holding potentially anxiety producing things back until he can deal with them but we have tons of other things to talk about and we connect a lot throughout the day/week.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, our marriage got better when we started doing the daily NYT crossword together. I am always surprised by what my spouse knows, and vice versa! We cuddle up on the couch and project it onto the big TV and just spend some time every day focused on the same task and it’s been really nice.

And when we make it through the whole week without looking up any clues at all, we grin like idiots and high five each other.

Can you find some a little connection point like that every day? It could be anything at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everything. Kids/school/work, hockey, Track, football, vacation/travel, news and current events, family celebrations such as birthday/wedding/baby showers, buying another property, moving, games we play, movies, how much I miss my dad and friends back home, funny memes/reels we send each other throughout the day, what I want him to do to me later. Anything and everything!

And you’ve been together more than 20 years? Really?