If you're in a long term (15, 20+ year) marriage, what do you talk about with your spouse?

[Anonymous]

OP here.
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about.

-Future plans. Husband is not a planner. He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc. This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage. It stresses him out so we don't talk about it.
-Kids. Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans. So he won't engage.
-Work. I don't understand his work. It's highly technical. This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more. His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me
being frustrated).
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases).
-Hobbies. We have none. Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)). His: tech things that again I don't understand. If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech.
I long for typewriter of my childhood. (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone).
-Other people. We do have this. It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.



Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment. Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore.

[Anonymous]

Can you plan a vacation together (or at least talk about destination or expectations)?

Binge watch a show together (we finished Peaky Blinders and now Ozark; both really good!).

Can you get a group video game together (since he likes tech computer things and, for you, multi-player video games is just a bunch of button mashing) and ? We play Mario Cart and Overcooked as a family (and it gets soooo intense).

Take small steps.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry it is like this for you. I feel like your inability to talk is actually just a symptom of a much bigger problem. I know you have a lot to
Think about it.

That said, focusing on the symptom. Does your husband actually want to talk and connect more? I’m the person that mentioned watching documentaries and I wonder if you could find some sort of documentary that is “tech adjacent” might work for both of you. For example, something about Steve Jobs, Elizabeth Holmes, that thing on Netflix about how social media is feeding crap to you through algorithms, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about.

-Future plans. Husband is not a planner. He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc. This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage. It stresses him out so we don't talk about it.
-Kids. Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans. So he won't engage.
-Work. I don't understand his work. It's highly technical. This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more. His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me
being frustrated).
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases).
-Hobbies. We have none. Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)). His: tech things that again I don't understand. If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech.
I long for typewriter of my childhood. (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone).
-Other people. We do have this. It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.



Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment. Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore.

I can relate to you OP. Especially the not wanting to talk about the future, even the not too distant future, like planning a vacation.

[Anonymous]

I'm not in your shoes but I think a ton of people can relate. Hopefully things will be different when you're not in the thick of raising little kids and working a ton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, gosh . . . kids, work, politics, friends, the dog, movies and TV shows, neighbors, gardening, the dog, music, travel plans, how beautiful spring is, and did I mention the dog?

😁

[Anonymous]

The dog, TV shows, home renovation ideas, travel, gardening, sex, work, our friends. Plenty to talk about but also nice that after this much time together there is no such thing as an awkward silence.

[Anonymous]

Are you guys on instagram? Maybe you could start sending each other funny or interesting reels. Sounds kind of silly but it is actually a pretty fun bonding thing we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about.

-Future plans. Husband is not a planner. He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc. This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage. It stresses him out so we don't talk about it.
-Kids. Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans. So he won't engage.
-Work. I don't understand his work. It's highly technical. This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more. His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me
being frustrated).
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases).
-Hobbies. We have none. Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)). His: tech things that again I don't understand. If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech.
I long for typewriter of my childhood. (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone).
-Other people. We do have this. It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.



Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment. Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore.

I don’t know op. Those are serious and can be stressful talks. We don’t talk about those unless necessary. We mostly talk about nonsense things… anything that makes us laugh. Don’t take these talks seriously, it may push you two apart.

[Anonymous]

Kid, dog, funny stuff on IG, shows we watch together, making fancy cocktails and what we like or dislike about them, his job, my job, retirement and college savings, our extended families, travel aspirations if we can ever afford it.

All of this is high level discussion and tends towards the practical. I wish my husband was the type to discuss politics, literature, or philosophy but he just isn’t. I have those kinds of conversations with friends.

Six months ago we weren’t talking at all and our marriage was at a breaking point. Couples therapy has improved things a lot. The therapist told us flat out: either schedule time to be with each other or this marriage isn’t going to survive. We pencil it in now and it’s working!

[Anonymous]

Just had a fun conversation with DH about where we want to retire and how much we hope to make from our house sale.

Real estate is common subject, also hyper local current events like what’s going on with my elderly mom who just moved into assisted living, planning our summer, my dream of monetizing a hobby, our childhood friends and their families, celeb gossip.

I have anxiety and one thing that helps is to get me engaged in a conversation. I sometimes give DH a topic to discuss with me so I don’t ruminate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
It's probably clear that I'm asking this question because we struggle with this.
We've been married 21 years, kids are rising junior twins, and a rising 9th grader.

We really have nothing to talk about.

-Future plans. Husband is not a planner. He refuses to talk about the future--career goals, retirement, etc. This isn't a conversation we've ever had in our marriage. It stresses him out so we don't talk about it.
-Kids. Again, stresses him out to engage about this because at this point it's generally about their future plans or the steps they need to make to have future plans. So he won't engage.
-Work. I don't understand his work. It's highly technical. This is probably my fault--I could learn more, engage more. His job is also a source of stress in our marriage because he works
endless hours but refuses to every talk about leaving the job (circle back to future plans issue--he won't talk about his career plans because want or like change so we just slog along with him working too much and me
being frustrated).
My own job is in healthcare so it's interesting in that I deal with people but the topic is somewhat finite (I've been doing it for 20 years--it's like I'm working on a series of new projects or cases).
-Hobbies. We have none. Well I guess we have interests (mine--gardening, our dogs, (lol)). His: tech things that again I don't understand. If there is one sector of life that I don't understand it's tech.
I long for typewriter of my childhood. (major disconnect--probably should not have married on this technicality alone).
-Other people. We do have this. It's interesting but there's only so much of this you can do before it just feels like gossip.



Clearly we have issues. We're on the other side (or nearing the other side) of raising 3 kids in a fast-paced DC environment. Trying to figure out if there is anything that we have in common anymore.

OP, first question - how is your relationship otherwise? Is there tension? I suspect so. You seem pretty critical of DH, just in the way you describe him - and if that's the case, I'm sure he's feeling that - which will inhibit any meaningful conversation. Reading your description makes me think that, at a minimum, you don't respect him? Or maybe it's just some frustration coming through on your part?

OP, second question - is there a struggle with anxiety? Reading between the lines of your first few bullets, where do you think the stress starts? Him or you or both? You use the word stress a lot.

In my experience, if there is doom, criticism, anxiety, or high stress hanging over a relationship, lighthearted banter or spontaneous/fun conversation is hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

What do you *want* to talk about, OP? Do you need to talk? Does he want to talk?

Can you just be together?

[Anonymous]

I find that being a great listener is the path. If either person initiates a conversation on ANY topic and the other is a great (and selfless) listener, it becomes easier and easier to find topics of shared interest. Too often, I used to jump in to insert my opinion, to criticize, or co-opt the conversation opportunity toward a topic *I* thought was more important.

[Anonymous]

Books we are reading
World events
Which national park we we want to visit next
Restaurants we would like to try
Wordle
Ted Lasso
What flavor of fudge at the beach we each prefer
Birds seen in our back yard.
Family
Friends