Potluck people come in….I need insight on your reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of my friends are horribly afraid to open their homes to others. I don’t know why. So when 10 of us get together regularly but only 3 feel comfortable hosting after the 5th time I feel like others need to contribute.

Contribute is one thing, potluck is another. There's a huge difference to me between the hosts saying "can you bring a salad or dessert?" when they invite us (the answer to which is pretty much always yes) and sending around a spreadsheet with stuff you need to sign up for.

Also, as people who are very good at cooking and will do a good job with our contribution, I resent potlucks because I know many/most other people will not. We'll show up with a carefully thought out side or main that we put time into planning and executing, and half of the other guests will show up with something they grabbed from the grocery store on the way over. If they remember at all -- I've been to potlucks where there basically was no main because someone forgot to bring meat for grilling or something (I also think it's obnoxious for the hosts not to just plan the main and farm out the sides/apps/dessert).

Some people can't host for whatever reason (small house, pets, they are hoarders, I don't know) but that's not an excuse for planning potlucks for all your hosting gigs and doing a piss poor job even at that.

Op here. So it’s sounds like you are in the no potluck crowd? I’ve only ever been to potlucks at holiday and of course at work but you make it sound unorganized and not fun.

We have friends who only ever host at their house if it's potluck style. They sometimes have a main (usually meat for grilling) but sometimes not. I find their potlucks to be pretty poorly organized and it always feels like they are really demanding -- multiple emails if you haven't signed up for something within a day or two of getting the invite, often repeat calls for people to bring more things if fewer people RSVP yes, etc.

I've been to potlucks that are much more chill than that, but they tend to be neighborhood or office gatherings, where people bring casseroles or big sides and no one is trying to compose a functional dinner for a smaller group of people. That doesn't really bother me -- the whole point is that no one in particular is hosting.

But hosting a potluck at your house where it's an excuse to do literally NO cooking is kind of annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course I never expect a hostess gift.

Not sure what your kid situation is, but I am in the trenches with 3 kids and I only throw crappy dinner parties & this is what my friends and I like to do:

https://www.thekitchn.com/5-rules-for-hosting-a-crappy-dinner-party-235815

I love this. It’s laid back but the onus to provide comes from the hostess and not the guests.

[Anonymous]

I don’t mind potlucks or group contributions for dinner, but I hate large swim team potlucks. So many choose the cheapest, easiest solution; very few bring something I’d want at a home party. Then I feel taken advantage of if I put effort or money into my dish when others bring chips and a jar of queso or a 10 pack of Taco Bell tacos. Then the food sits out for an hour in the heat before it’s served. Then the hungry army of kids take all the better food. I’m glad my swim team days are over.

[Anonymous]

We did them a lot in our 20s before kids. We had a lot of free time to cook and it was an easy way to relieve burden on the host.

Now in my mid-30s with young kids - I would NEVER ask a guest to bring something. Coming to my home is supposed to be relaxing - kids entertain each other for a few hours without heavy parent involvement, delicious food magically appears. Occasionally I cook something simple while DH handles the kids. More often than not, I order in.

Once my kids are older I will probably go back to cooking for my parties. But I probably won’t go back to potluck-style.

[Anonymous]

A potluck is good for a really big group where it's legitimately hard to provide a full spread, you might be outside or spread across several rooms, and variety is fun. All my memories of family reunions, neighborhood parties and big grad school parties are potluck, often with the host providing a meat main but not always (e.g. when a vegetarian hosts, it's a lot of pasta , bean, quinoa, etc salads....) And no, hostess gifts are not expected, but six packs are always welcome.

On the other hand I don't know the last time I was invited to or held a small potluck dinner party. That's not really a thing, in my experience. I do think it's nice when guests offer to bring a salad or appetizer or something, but don't expect it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mind potlucks or group contributions for dinner, but I hate large swim team potlucks. So many choose the cheapest, easiest solution; very few bring something I’d want at a home party. Then I feel taken advantage of if I put effort or money into my dish when others bring chips and a jar of queso or a 10 pack of Taco Bell tacos. Then the food sits out for an hour in the heat before it’s served. Then the hungry army of kids take all the better food. I’m glad my swim team days are over.

I'd take he taco bell taco over homemade food as you don't know where it came from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did them a lot in our 20s before kids. We had a lot of free time to cook and it was an easy way to relieve burden on the host.

Now in my mid-30s with young kids - I would NEVER ask a guest to bring something. Coming to my home is supposed to be relaxing - kids entertain each other for a few hours without heavy parent involvement, delicious food magically appears. Occasionally I cook something simple while DH handles the kids. More often than not, I order in.

Once my kids are older I will probably go back to cooking for my parties. But I probably won’t go back to potluck-style.

Another thing about mid-30s with kids - our friends don't all live close anymore, and I don't want someone driving 45 minutes to 1.5 hours from a suburb on the opposite end of the DMV to also worry about bringing food. Showing up is enough of an effort!

[Anonymous]

[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did them a lot in our 20s before kids. We had a lot of free time to cook and it was an easy way to relieve burden on the host.

Now in my mid-30s with young kids - I would NEVER ask a guest to bring something. Coming to my home is supposed to be relaxing - kids entertain each other for a few hours without heavy parent involvement, delicious food magically appears. Occasionally I cook something simple while DH handles the kids. More often than not, I order in.

Once my kids are older I will probably go back to cooking for my parties. But I probably won’t go back to potluck-style.

Another thing about mid-30s with kids - our friends don't all live close anymore, and I don't want someone driving 45 minutes to 1.5 hours from a suburb on the opposite end of the DMV to also worry about bringing food. Showing up is enough of an effort!

Yes to this. And even if they don’t live far away, just getting the kids and yourselves nicely dressed, packing up the diaper bag, entertaining them in the car, etc. can be a lot of effort too! So I want them to get the five-star resort treatment when they step in my home.

[Anonymous]

I think potlucks work best with social groups (like a new moms meetup or a card playing group). Or with colleagues. My agency has zero money for fun stuff, so it’s potlucks or nothing.

I personally wouldn’t host potlucks with my friends and rarely attend any. On major holidays, my mom or sibling do bring a side dish. I wouldn’t call it a potluck though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did them a lot in our 20s before kids. We had a lot of free time to cook and it was an easy way to relieve burden on the host.

Now in my mid-30s with young kids - I would NEVER ask a guest to bring something. Coming to my home is supposed to be relaxing - kids entertain each other for a few hours without heavy parent involvement, delicious food magically appears. Occasionally I cook something simple while DH handles the kids. More often than not, I order in.

Once my kids are older I will probably go back to cooking for my parties. But I probably won’t go back to potluck-style.

Another thing about mid-30s with kids - our friends don't all live close anymore, and I don't want someone driving 45 minutes to 1.5 hours from a suburb on the opposite end of the DMV to also worry about bringing food. Showing up is enough of an effort!

Yes to this. And even if they don’t live far away, just getting the kids and yourselves nicely dressed, packing up the diaper bag, entertaining them in the car, etc. can be a lot of effort too! So I want them to get the five-star resort treatment when they step in my home.

People stepping into my home will get the crappy dinner party treatment (I tend to make something like homemade pizza or spaghetti and meatballs, since we all have variously picky kids)...but at least they can show up empty handed!

[Anonymous]

I think some groups are too unwieldy for anything else (except catering)—like groups of 50+.

[Anonymous]

So I do have regular dinner parties where I provide all the food and plan the entire menu, but I also participate in two different types of potlucks -

1) a supper club - four couples who rotate hosting and picking the theme/type of cuisine then assign parts of the dinner to the rest of the group. Usually the host does the main but other members provide appetizer, sides and desserts. The idea is the dishes are all pretty elaborate so you are divvying up the effort and can make fairly elaborate dishes that you might otherwise not attempt. Plus we all get a chance to try making some new dishes.

2) a larger group potluck - school/sports team group of 20+ couples or families. In this case, through a sign up genius or something people pick what they will bring so you can see the balance of stuff provided. It makes everyone feel like they've contributed something and the host isn't overburdened. Always seems to work pretty well.

[Anonymous]

I love a good potluck. I grew up with over the top ones in the South--church or family or friends. My kids' public elementary school in Arlington used to have one regularly that was fun to see people show off their ethnic specialties (I was introduced to pancit--yum!). I agree the swim team ones were a disappointment, but mostly in my school or social group, it's a chance to show off. Love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love a good potluck. I grew up with over the top ones in the South--church or family or friends. My kids' public elementary school in Arlington used to have one regularly that was fun to see people show off their ethnic specialties (I was introduced to pancit--yum!). I agree the swim team ones were a disappointment, but mostly in my school or social group, it's a chance to show off. Love it.

I think this touches on the difference between a good potluck and a bad one. Participants from a good potluck culture have a sense of pride in their contribution. It's embarrassing to bring something crappy to the church potluck where I'm from, so the spread is pretty good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mind potlucks or group contributions for dinner, but I hate large swim team potlucks. So many choose the cheapest, easiest solution; very few bring something I’d want at a home party. Then I feel taken advantage of if I put effort or money into my dish when others bring chips and a jar of queso or a 10 pack of Taco Bell tacos. Then the food sits out for an hour in the heat before it’s served. Then the hungry army of kids take all the better food. I’m glad my swim team days are over.

See, I'm the exact opposite. I love potlucks for kids sports teams/ parent events. We just hosted one for the softball team and here's what I learned:

- Have people sign up not only for what they are bringing, but for how many. Make sure people understand that the more people in their party, the more food they are obligated to bring. There is nothing worse than a family of 4-5 people walking in holding a small bowl of salad.

- Some people love to cook and are going to show-off with a great homemade dish or dessert. Others will stop at Whole Foods and bring a cheap box of cookies. It's fine either way, as long as they bring enough (see above.)

- You are responsible for preparing your dish. If you want to wait to toss your salad until dinner is served, that's fine, but don't hand the hostess your salad bowl and side dressing. Bring serving utensils and put your dish together yourself.

- Finally, if something needs to be heated at location, be sure to clear that first with the host. The worst thing is having multiple people show up with something that needs to go in the oven "for a few minutes."