I feel perpetually misunderstood

[Anonymous]

OP, it's likely: there is no reason they need to know you (or anyone else) on as deep a level as you expect.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me like you need to hang around some more considerate people because your current social group sounds crummy.

However if you are referring to individuals that you are required to engage with, then I am sorry because there is not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are describing the imposition of a frame. Your friend assumes changes of travel plans must mean some financial issue, and despite what you say, will keep interpreting everything in this frame. It's a kind of tyranny, really, interpreting based on what you impose on the other person, rather than making a genuine effort to perceive and listen and understand as the interpretive act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In the interest of being more clear, this thread was prompted by this recent misunderstanding:

My family has been planning a trip to Europe this summer, but after seeing flight prices and assessing some savings goals, we decided to switch our plans and do a domestic trip out west.

I told my friend about the change of plans when we were discussing our summer plans and said, “yes I’m a bit disappointed but we’ll just have to do Europe another year when it makes more sense financially.”

At no point did I say I had money issues, complain about our income, or ask for help with finances.

She took this to mean that we are in dire financial straights. She brings it up every time I see her. She has started suggesting career changes for me to boost my income and will say things like “I know money is tight, maybe we could do a girls night at home instead of going out because it’s cheaper.”

I have told her several times, very clearly, “ Money is good, I’m not having money issues. Just made a change based on priorities.” She does not listen and now thinks I’m trying to put a good spin on it.

That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.

I find this is common in the DC area OP. People value status, and when someone else mentions a change that is not "statusy" they can't seem to process it and can't fathom that someone else would make a different decision. My SIL does this all the time, and I've gotten so I just don't tell her much of anything.

Don't think it's about you so much, as it's about other people who are on a completely different wavelength. You may not want to mention reasons why you do.things, because I have found people who value status can not fathom why I do the things I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you happen to grow up and an alcoholic family?

I’m like OP and did! Tell me why I’m this way or how people view me. Even in DCUM people misunderstand my questions.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like neurodivergence to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are describing the imposition of a frame. Your friend assumes changes of travel plans must mean some financial issue, and despite what you say, will keep interpreting everything in this frame. It's a kind of tyranny, really, interpreting based on what you impose on the other person, rather than making a genuine effort to perceive and listen and understand as the interpretive act.

This is such a good way to put it, thank you. Is this coming from some kind of academic concept? Is there somewhere I could read more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are describing the imposition of a frame. Your friend assumes changes of travel plans must mean some financial issue, and despite what you say, will keep interpreting everything in this frame. It's a kind of tyranny, really, interpreting based on what you impose on the other person, rather than making a genuine effort to perceive and listen and understand as the interpretive act.

This is such a good way to put it, thank you. Is this coming from some kind of academic concept? Is there somewhere I could read more?

+1

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you may over explain OP,.I know I do this as well . I've had to learn to not share as much, and then just state a fact, like "we are going out west for vacation" and not talk about anything until it is a solid plan or thugs I want to do, but are not definite.

For some reason, people can't parse "we'd like to go to Europe but the cost just isn't worth it to us this year." It has to be black or white for them,. usually with lots of enthusiasm and rah-rah about it. I don't understand, but have learned this is the way to communicate here; no gray area whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Too much talking. Why explain why you changed your plans? This friend can't handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not everyone misinterpreting everything I say. Fir instance, my DH rarely misinterprets me. It’s a couple friends and in a past job I had this problem as well (not in my current job).

But this conversation has gone much the way I’m talking about, with some posters making broad assumptions about my motives and experience that you couldn’t possibly get from what I said.

I think my biggest frustration is people making assumptions and then acting on them, when if they’d simply asked a question or two, the misunderstanding could have been avoided. It feels like with some people, you get one chance to express something and if they interpret it incorrectly, too bad, that’s the truth for them now.

I think I see the issue. You exaggerate and then when it’s pointed out, you backtrack.

Your OP should have clearly stated this only happens with a couple of friends instead of stating it happens often.

Where in my OP did I say everyone misunderstands me? I said I feel Ike people misinterpret me. I never said all people, just people. I’m not backtracking, you just misinterpreted me and now want to argue facts to suit you, but I didn’t change the facts. You simply made some stiff up and decided it must be the case.

This is precisely the sort of thing I’m talking about! It’s so aggravating.

Your title says "perpetually." That means constantly, on an ongoing basis, without end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not everyone misinterpreting everything I say. Fir instance, my DH rarely misinterprets me. It’s a couple friends and in a past job I had this problem as well (not in my current job).

But this conversation has gone much the way I’m talking about, with some posters making broad assumptions about my motives and experience that you couldn’t possibly get from what I said.

I think my biggest frustration is people making assumptions and then acting on them, when if they’d simply asked a question or two, the misunderstanding could have been avoided. It feels like with some people, you get one chance to express something and if they interpret it incorrectly, too bad, that’s the truth for them now.

I think I see the issue. You exaggerate and then when it’s pointed out, you backtrack.

Your OP should have clearly stated this only happens with a couple of friends instead of stating it happens often.

Where in my OP did I say everyone misunderstands me? I said I feel Ike people misinterpret me. I never said all people, just people. I’m not backtracking, you just misinterpreted me and now want to argue facts to suit you, but I didn’t change the facts. You simply made some stiff up and decided it must be the case.

This is precisely the sort of thing I’m talking about! It’s so aggravating.

Your title says "perpetually." That means constantly, on an ongoing basis, without end.

OP's follow up is clarifying -- the fact that you are refusing to understand her despite her clarification just kind of illustrates her point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not everyone misinterpreting everything I say. Fir instance, my DH rarely misinterprets me. It’s a couple friends and in a past job I had this problem as well (not in my current job).

But this conversation has gone much the way I’m talking about, with some posters making broad assumptions about my motives and experience that you couldn’t possibly get from what I said.

I think my biggest frustration is people making assumptions and then acting on them, when if they’d simply asked a question or two, the misunderstanding could have been avoided. It feels like with some people, you get one chance to express something and if they interpret it incorrectly, too bad, that’s the truth for them now.

I think I see the issue. You exaggerate and then when it’s pointed out, you backtrack.

Your OP should have clearly stated this only happens with a couple of friends instead of stating it happens often.

Where in my OP did I say everyone misunderstands me? I said I feel Ike people misinterpret me. I never said all people, just people. I’m not backtracking, you just misinterpreted me and now want to argue facts to suit you, but I didn’t change the facts. You simply made some stiff up and decided it must be the case.

This is precisely the sort of thing I’m talking about! It’s so aggravating.

Your title says "perpetually." That means constantly, on an ongoing basis, without end.

OP's follow up is clarifying -- the fact that you are refusing to understand her despite her clarification just kind of illustrates her point.

She chose the title, which is part of the post. I had nothing to do with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It is not everyone misinterpreting everything I say. Fir instance, my DH rarely misinterprets me. It’s a couple friends and in a past job I had this problem as well (not in my current job).

But this conversation has gone much the way I’m talking about, with some posters making broad assumptions about my motives and experience that you couldn’t possibly get from what I said.

I think my biggest frustration is people making assumptions and then acting on them, when if they’d simply asked a question or two, the misunderstanding could have been avoided. It feels like with some people, you get one chance to express something and if they interpret it incorrectly, too bad, that’s the truth for them now.

I think I see the issue. You exaggerate and then when it’s pointed out, you backtrack.

Your OP should have clearly stated this only happens with a couple of friends instead of stating it happens often.

Where in my OP did I say everyone misunderstands me? I said I feel Ike people misinterpret me. I never said all people, just people. I’m not backtracking, you just misinterpreted me and now want to argue facts to suit you, but I didn’t change the facts. You simply made some stiff up and decided it must be the case.

This is precisely the sort of thing I’m talking about! It’s so aggravating.

Your title says "perpetually." That means constantly, on an ongoing basis, without end.

OP's follow up is clarifying -- the fact that you are refusing to understand her despite her clarification just kind of illustrates her point.

She chose the title, which is part of the post. I had nothing to do with that.

And if she does in fact run around using words like “perpetually” when she means “some of the time, by a few but not all people”—well, we have found the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. In the interest of being more clear, this thread was prompted by this recent misunderstanding:

My family has been planning a trip to Europe this summer, but after seeing flight prices and assessing some savings goals, we decided to switch our plans and do a domestic trip out west.

I told my friend about the change of plans when we were discussing our summer plans and said, “yes I’m a bit disappointed but we’ll just have to do Europe another year when it makes more sense financially.”

At no point did I say I had money issues, complain about our income, or ask for help with finances.

She took this to mean that we are in dire financial straights. She brings it up every time I see her. She has started suggesting career changes for me to boost my income and will say things like “I know money is tight, maybe we could do a girls night at home instead of going out because it’s cheaper.”

I have told her several times, very clearly, “ Money is good, I’m not having money issues. Just made a change based on priorities.” She does not listen and now thinks I’m trying to put a good spin on it.

That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about.

I have a sibling who I live but also tends to do this--if I say x happened once it turns into her telling me later, you always have _ going on. I agree it is frustrating and not fair--but also as other posters mention, something out of your control.