40+ never been engaged/married

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a few older Gen X women who contracted herpes in college and then basically stopped dating. It’s sad. I know other terrific women who are pushing 40 and have struggled. Both are nice (one is very opinionated; both are in therapy).

I know a few older men who never married. Two are straight. One is attractive and kind, the other isn’t. No clue why the nice guy never married.

Who knows?

I contracted herpes when I was around 30 and it didn't really change anything. I just give partners the heads up beforehand. Never had any issue.

For you partners, maybe but not all men would continue relationship

And not all women would either. All you can do is communicate with people and let them decide. It's certainly not not a reason to never date again. HIV-positive people date, so do people with terminal illnesses and all sorts of problems.

[Anonymous]

I have several friends in this situation and in most cases it reflects some level of seriousness about their careers, a little bit of pickiness (which I do not view as a bad thing) regarding partners, and sometimes just some luck of timing. None of them specifically chose to remain single, but I wouldn't say any of them made finding a partner and marriage their main priority either. I also think there was the evolution in thinking, too. From 20s and early 30s actively dating but just not meeting anyone who was a good fit, to late 30s starting to ask themselves if it was time to compromise and asking hard questions about their goals regarding kids (two decided to have kids on their own, the others are child free), to 40s when they reached a level of acceptance that their life was going to follow a different path than many of their peers who married earlier.

This group includes men and women. I do think its viewed a little differently by gender, but they all have certain qualities in common, especially the focus on somewhat demanding careers and a strong independent streak, and I think those are the bigger factors and the gender thing is much more minor.

I also think most of them would still marry if they met the right person, but they are in a different stage of dating where the "right person" is a true partner who enhances their life and fits into their existing goals and lifestyle well. They aren't planning families or thinking about stuff like career potential or how well you mesh with their families. It's just different when the parties are older. Everyone is generally financially independent and in many cases intend to stay that way regardless of marital status. People have lost parents or may be dealing with aging parents, very different than dating in your 20s. People have established careers and well-developed social lives, and they have less flexibility on these points than they might have when younger.

I don't view it as good or bad, just a normal and not terribly uncommon life path. I could see that being me with just a few minor shifts to my history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have several friends in this situation and in most cases it reflects some level of seriousness about their careers, a little bit of pickiness (which I do not view as a bad thing) regarding partners, and sometimes just some luck of timing. None of them specifically chose to remain single, but I wouldn't say any of them made finding a partner and marriage their main priority either. I also think there was the evolution in thinking, too. From 20s and early 30s actively dating but just not meeting anyone who was a good fit, to late 30s starting to ask themselves if it was time to compromise and asking hard questions about their goals regarding kids (two decided to have kids on their own, the others are child free), to 40s when they reached a level of acceptance that their life was going to follow a different path than many of their peers who married earlier.

This group includes men and women. I do think its viewed a little differently by gender, but they all have certain qualities in common, especially the focus on somewhat demanding careers and a strong independent streak, and I think those are the bigger factors and the gender thing is much more minor.

I also think most of them would still marry if they met the right person, but they are in a different stage of dating where the "right person" is a true partner who enhances their life and fits into their existing goals and lifestyle well. They aren't planning families or thinking about stuff like career potential or how well you mesh with their families. It's just different when the parties are older. Everyone is generally financially independent and in many cases intend to stay that way regardless of marital status. People have lost parents or may be dealing with aging parents, very different than dating in your 20s. People have established careers and well-developed social lives, and they have less flexibility on these points than they might have when younger.

I don't view it as good or bad, just a normal and not terribly uncommon life path. I could see that being me with just a few minor shifts to my history.

I do consider this approach to dating and marriage pretty short sighted and these people egocentric. When you consider another person from a standpoint how that person fits into your life at this specific point of life, you loose the long term opportunity to grow with that person, you de-facto don't want invest your time, energy and money into someone. I have many friends who married men who were poor, not as good looking but they became highly successful in mid life. Now half of these friends are enjoying retirement bliss; the other half were dumped by husbands when they found success/

I do get it when you think "my chance of finding it less that 50% so I won't settle for anyone who doesn't offer me all I want right now". But you also take away that other 50% chance of being happy from yourself

[Anonymous]

I hate to sound cliche and say there’s someone for everyone but I had a very quirky family member who everyone thought was going to be unmarried. At 44 she found someone who was quirky exactly like her and they’ve been happily married for 20+ years.

My take on this is it says that you a) may have some atypical personality characteristics and b) aren’t willing to settle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a black woman or Asian guy, it says nothing about them because statistically it’s brutal for both of these groups so you find a lot of decent normal people of this age with those backgrounds who have never been married/engaged

Not true.

--Black woman

[Anonymous]

I know a couple of women 50+ who are single. They are all slim, attractive.

1. one had family issues growing up. That colored her view of marriage and kids. She's had several ltr, live in bf. Open to marriage, but not necessary
2. the other one was super close to her parents and family, and really picky, very opinionated, doesn't want to deal with compromising.
3. this one is a flake. Never had a real ltr, just a series of flings. Has a high opinion of herself. I think she has some family issues, too.

All of them are intelligent and seem to be happy with their lives. They travel a ton, go see friends, and do whatever they want.

Deep down, I think most people want a partner, but some people would rather stay single than have a partner that they find lacking.

I never really dated much. I found most men good as friends, but I was not attracted to them. Maybe I had too high standards, but I would've rather stayed single than marry someone I found lacking. I did eventually get married at 32. He's a great guy, but he doesn't check off "all" the boxes, but by 30, I realized that I had two choices: stay single forever, or set reasonable expectations about some things and marry a great guy. I chose #2, and I'm glad for it. If I had not set those reasonable expectations, I think I would've ended up single forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it’s a black woman or Asian guy, it says nothing about them because statistically it’s brutal for both of these groups so you find a lot of decent normal people of this age with those backgrounds who have never been married/engaged

Not true.

--Black woman

I'm not black nor white but I definitely see an uptick of black women dating out of their race via work or dating apps. Asian guys too and in the 80s or 90s I haven't seen any show affection or kiss or hug in public. It's more prevalent now and I don't see many single Asian guys anymore.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 and I know several women and men around my age who have never been married. A few of them (both sexes) have some mental health issues that affect their relationships or their functioning, including one that won't leave her apartment (supported by her parents.) A few of the women have very high standards and are just unwilling to compromise, but they don't seem sad about being single. One woman just never got asked out when she was younger, and has internalized this and never put herself out there. She is bitter. Apart from that, the straight men I know in their 40s who were never married/engaged are a bit off.