I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel guilty for wanting to SAH. I work but wish I could just focus on being a mom, and I feel a bit guilty about that because I feel like I'm "supposed" to want to work. Also people are so condescending about a lot of parenting tasks, like "ok I'll do it if I have to but ugh." And I actually enjoy a lot of those things.

Also we need the money so I feel guilty that a big part of me wishes that I could afford to just stay home. But I do.

Don't feel guilty either of you. Another current SAHM who doesn't want to go back to work because I know that I will be doing a new job plus all my old ones. But money is nice and I worry about my husband's healt and need to have a way to support our kids if he dies. Yes, those are the big thoughts in the back of my brain.

[Anonymous]

Hey mama OP! You’re amazing just the way you are, and better than everyone, WOH or SAH! Yassssss.

[Anonymous]

I release you from your guilt, OP.

I was a SAHM for a bit. Not entirely by choice, but bc of life circumstances.

It's a sh*t gig.

[Anonymous]

I have never wished I had more maternity leave, and I went back at 6 weeks for my second child. 4 months for my first while at a law firm, which worked OK.

I work part time now (35 hours a week) and it works well for me. My kids are now 13 and 9. No regrets.

Being a SAHM is fine if you want to do it. I didn’t. My kids are really amazing, I wouldn’t change anything. I also don’t really have help…chores together is quality time. It builds so many connections, just talking while working and being together. There is no reason to feel guilt.

For smart people, being home alone with a baby is really stultifying. They just aren’t that interesting. You have to have something else going on—whether it be hobby, reading, work or whatever. Anyone who is completely immersed in a baby is low on intellectual curiosity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men literally never think about this. Neither should you.

Well, men don't give birth and aren't mothers. Neither should the OP.

[Anonymous]

Keep working OP and don’t feel guilty. Everyone isn’t meant to be a SAH. Some women definitely enjoy it more than others. It’s wonderful that your husband and their grandparents are involved. Imo, that is well rounded instead of you being home with them all the time especially if it leaves you feeling unfulfilled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not one person has mentioned what’s in the best interest of the kids?

Because its not about the kids. Its about how to have all the things they want AND kids. The whole "men don't feel bad" is such a red herring. Not feeling much concern about how your kids are being raised shouldn't be the baseline. I mean all these people want the joy of kids but none of the work or sacrifice. Should men do more? Sure, but just because most men don't do enough doesn't mean someone doesn't need to put the kids first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..

I have an honest question. Don’t people who choose to have children realize that someone will need to raise them? Be available for sick days, doctors appointments, chauffeuring to after-school activities, etc.? Do people nowadays (male or female) just expect to farm it out to daycare, nannies, teachers, etc.? Whether it’s the father or mother, or both parents equally, caregiving is tedious and time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking. Someone has to do the job, and the job is usually best done by a parent or other family member like a grandparent. I predict the birth rate to drop precipitously if no one really wants to parent anymore. It’s a shame that the work of parenting isn’t valued or rewarded by society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..

I have an honest question. Don’t people who choose to have children realize that someone will need to raise them? Be available for sick days, doctors appointments, chauffeuring to after-school activities, etc.? Do people nowadays (male or female) just expect to farm it out to daycare, nannies, teachers, etc.? Whether it’s the father or mother, or both parents equally, caregiving is tedious and time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking. Someone has to do the job, and the job is usually best done by a parent or other family member like a grandparent. I predict the birth rate to drop precipitously if no one really wants to parent anymore. It’s a shame that the work of parenting isn’t valued or rewarded by society.

DH and I share the work of being “primary parent,” which of course means sick days, taking kids to activities, etc. My feeling is we both do it all—but not every iteration of it all. As in, when the kids were very small, we both did bottles, and I breastfed; but we didn’t do EVERY feeding. We changed diapers every day; but not EVERY diaper. We played and read and practiced colors and numbers and shapes—but not every iteration of every possible one of those interactions.

Now that the kids are older, we still do every aspect of parenting or child supervision—just not every iteration, every moment of every day.

[Anonymous]

It’s funny because I could have started this thread easily, 3 years before I had a 3rd kid then quit. Things change…

[Anonymous]

Flaunt your martyrdom? You sound so ridiculously dramatic. Please keep working

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

Work.

Also, nowadays men are not attracted to SAHMs. It's the strange phenomenon where they ask woman to be SAHMs and then lose their attraction to them. For 45 and younger men they are flat out resentful..

I have an honest question. Don’t people who choose to have children realize that someone will need to raise them? Be available for sick days, doctors appointments, chauffeuring to after-school activities, etc.? Do people nowadays (male or female) just expect to farm it out to daycare, nannies, teachers, etc.? Whether it’s the father or mother, or both parents equally, caregiving is tedious and time consuming, and sometimes soul-sucking. Someone has to do the job, and the job is usually best done by a parent or other family member like a grandparent. I predict the birth rate to drop precipitously if no one really wants to parent anymore. It’s a shame that the work of parenting isn’t valued or rewarded by society.

so your view is that if you're not with your kids 24/7 you're not "raising" them? I love being a parent, but I don't need to be with them all day every day. And once kids are in school, you're generally only talking about a couple of daytime hours when you're working while kids are home - not even that much if they're involved in after-school activities.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could have the best of both worlds. Work 20 hours a week and be paid 50%. We’d struggle on just dhs salary but with half mine we’d be just fine. I guess my only option is to use the extra money to make our lives easier. More 529, max retirement, more vacations, cleaning lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

No part of your decision is based on any interest in your actual job/career? That's sad for a WOHM.