I feel guilty that I don’t want to SAH

[Anonymous]

I could, we can afford it. But I don’t want to! Are these valid reasons not to want to:

- I do better with a routine, structure, challenge. With SAH I would have to create that myself, and honestly I don’t know many whose routines I covet
- We have lots of help but if I quit I would feel guilty about keeping the help and so I would have to do a lot of grunt work that I don’t enjoy
- DH and grandparents are very involved with the kids and again, if I quit I would feel guilty about asking for their help and instead manage the kids myself most of the time. Would that be bad for them though?

The only things to balance against those are getting more time with the kids and more leisure time. I can flaunt my martyrdom by denying myself the second, but I feel guilty about not wanting the first more - at least not enough to give up those other things!

[Anonymous]

Wow. The main reading you don’t want to be a SAHM is because you may have to give up “the help”? Do your kids a favor and keep working.

[Anonymous]

If your husband were to divorce you right now, you would get half of the marital assets. You would NOT get half of his future income. You would be sacrificing your career to support his, eh if you divorced him, you would NOT be entitled to the earnings of his career which you supported by staying at home.

Can you support yourself for the rest of your life on half of your current marital assets?

If not, don’t quit your job.

Don’t quit your job. You don’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Poor children.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I feel guilt about being a SAHM. Some of us will just feel guilty no matter what choice we make. Are your children safe, healthy, happy? Do they feel loved? Are all of their needs and some of their wants being met? If you can say yes to all of those things, your kids have a great life. Don’t overthink it.

[Anonymous]

Oh please. I told DH flat out before we even began trying for kids that he would be the main parent. Two kids in, and I've taken off maternity leave and that's it. I don't feel guilty at all. I'm a much better parent in smaller doses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I feel guilt about being a SAHM. Some of us will just feel guilty no matter what choice we make. Are your children safe, healthy, happy? Do they feel loved? Are all of their needs and some of their wants being met? If you can say yes to all of those things, your kids have a great life. Don’t overthink it.

Thank you! I feel they are. I spend a decent amount of time with them (1 hour in the morning, 3 hours in the evening, all weekend) and it’s mostly quality time since I have help to do the other stuff. I guess I just feel guilty about not spending the other hours too.

[Anonymous]

I feel guilty for wanting to SAH. I work but wish I could just focus on being a mom, and I feel a bit guilty about that because I feel like I'm "supposed" to want to work. Also people are so condescending about a lot of parenting tasks, like "ok I'll do it if I have to but ugh." And I actually enjoy a lot of those things.

Also we need the money so I feel guilty that a big part of me wishes that I could afford to just stay home. But I do.

[Anonymous]

This should not even be a question. Don’t feel guilty for being who you are. Your kids and family will be better off if you’re happy.

[Anonymous]

Almost no mom has a perfectly balanced flow. If it ain't broke lady, don't fix it. Keep your system!

[Anonymous]

I was you a year ago, then quit to SAH, now feel guilty about that, too. Is guilt something you feel regularly? If so, it might just be one of your normal roster of feelings. It might not mean anything significant or mean that you should make a change based upon it.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAH and you should definitely not do it if you don’t want to, you will hate it. It’s both leisurely and incredibly grinding. The kids are fine either way, completely fine.

I’m of the opinion that taking care of small children is a 2 to 3 shift job, so even if you SAHM you need some childcare to be happy and balanced which makes it even more expensive. People often think oh, well, I’m already doing that many shifts so I would just trade my current work one for childcare and it would be the same. It kind of is but you lose certain things you might be getting from your work time (like time away from your children, speaking to adults, stimulating projects (at least sometimes), sense of accomplishment).

[Anonymous]

Men literally never think about this. Neither should you.

[Anonymous]

I did the SAH mom thing and parts I liked and parts I felt were a drudge. I think I yelled at them more because of the sheer hours I was with them. I wish I had worked part time, but that wasn't an option.

Basically--your kids will be fine. You have money, you have help, you have a career you like, the kids have good grownups all around them. Win win win.

[Anonymous]

Not wanting to be a SAHP is a valid enough reason for not doing it. I don’t get why you are creating an issue in your mind where there isn’t one? Men never would ask this… I don’t want to be a stay at home dad but I feel guilty for not being one….